I am a newly single (aka divorced) mother of three. Like many women in this situation, I am not receiving enough support from the children's father to even begin to survive, let alone continue to live at the level at which we were accustomed. I have three elementary school aged children, 6.75 days per week.
I am dead tired of being told by well-meaning people that I should go out and get a 40-hour a week job and "support my family."
Look. I am 40. I have just been the most intensely stressful year of my life, which capped the last 4 very stressful years. I don't have the stamina that I did half my lifetime ago. When I stay up late a couple nights in a row…a virus tends to get the better of me. (Right now: cough, cough, swallow the phlegm, achy throat.)
Also, I just spent over a decade in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Because of that I just spent the last many years filling the hours of my days with doing things that just don't matter much to me. I weary of filling my life up with doing things that mean nothing to me - or worse - doing things that destroy who I intrinsically am.
I read advice columns to women that are recently divorced, suggesting they pamper themselves, that they "discover themselves"…really? When I'm struggling to survive at less than half the federal poverty limit?
I am not in the habit of depending on others financially. I was pretty much financially independent from parents at age 18 when I left for college. My tuition was covered by scholarships I had worked my butt off to get. My rent was paid by the work I had done all summer. By the second year I had a part-part-time job during school to supplement what I earned in the summer. My parents did pay the airfare for me to visit at Christmas - I simply explained to them that if they wanted to see me, they'd have to provide the transportation because I didn't have the dough. They graciously obliged. I returned to live with my parents for a while after finishing college - I told them up front that I was in the habit of paying my own way, and immediately got down to business of agreeing on the amount of monthly rent I would pay them to live in their home.
Yes, I really, truly want to make enough money to at least scrape by and support myself and my children. But I am no longer willing to sacrifice either myself or my children in order to do it!
So…
That means that on my kids' school days, the first thing I do is get each one of them up gently, with love. If they are sleepy I shuck off their 'jamas and pull on their school clothes. I make sure they have each item they need on their way to school. For my lovely anxiety-ridden child, I capture the kitten so that he may go through his anxiety-fighting routine, carrying the kitten to the bus, and exchanging it for his backpack in front of the bus's door. Then I ready my other two, allowing my girl to skate to the bus stop, my boy to ride his bicycle (because these things bring them joy), and I carry the skates and push the bike back to the house.
Then my day starts. I feed the hens. I like reading for a half hour or so, curled up on the couch or my bed with a large mug of earl grey tea, and my eleven year old cat purring in my lap. I'm trying to work 15 minutes of yoga into my morning routine, but haven't managed to do that on a regular basis yet. I shower and I make music for 30 minutes to an hour. Then I am ready to do work. Work may be something for the computer business I run or may be laundry or dishes I didn't get washed the night before. Or it may be caring for a pet, or gardening, or preserving food, or planning meals for the month. I have about 4 or maybe 5 hours at this point to "get stuff done". Or perhaps there is an errand that needs to be run, an appointment at a child's school, or with one of my son's case managers, or a dental or doctor's appointment for a child or myself, or I might be making dinner preparations for later in the day, or mending children's pants with rips in the knees. Or I might head off to a client's location to address a computer issue, or call a client on the phone to help resolve some issue.
And, yes, YES! I make music daily for at least 30 minutes. Sometimes for three hours. I am a musician. I decided to learn to play violin. I practice that. I practice piano. I practice guitar. I play and sing. I am taking my experiences and turning them into songs. I love to perform and I am preparing songs to play and sing. I am offering a free singing class for children in the neighborhood that is well-attended. I plan and prepare for the class. I work musically with the children at church, and so sometimes I am preparing for that.
When the children return from school, they are greeted by a mom that is - usually - not too stressed out. I fuss a little over each one, making sure I have time to hear of any joys or upsets during the day. I am there to help if help is needed for snacks. I make sure homework is complete before play is begun. I referee disputes and upsets, hopefully before they get too dramatic. Some days I have a music lesson to teach in the afternoon. I make dinner and try to get the kitchen cleaned up afterwards. Some days there is a school or church or sports or community activity or to attend. Then bed time comes, and most nights I spend a little bit of time with each one before sleep overtakes them, and then I crawl into bed, exhausted.
But…fulfilled.
These are the things I slowly began to do when my married life started unraveling three years ago, as a way to survive the stress. I re-discovered who I am, and what makes me "me", and what brings me joy.
Now, I am making my life into what it is supposed to be - a creative expression of all of the things that are meaningful to me.
And you want me to…get a fulltime job? Put my kids in after-school care or daycare? (How would that affect the well-being of my children?) Give up my tea, and purring cat and music and rush off to an office? Give up my garden? Give up my computer business clients? Give up my music students? Give up nearly everything that I love and that brings meaning and joy to my life?
And for what? So that I can say that "I have it all?"
Because "having it all" is a lie.
If I try to work a fulltime job, I will have nothing that matters to me.
But I will be fulfilling my economic role in this capitalist system.
No.
I will be me. Yeah, I need enough money to survive, but I embrace economic poverty if it lends me the wealth that holds value for me.
I need life with…
…my children
…my cat, hens, fish, and wild birds coming for seed, and butterflies visiting the zinnias
…my music - which shall never be taken from me ever again
...my garden, teeming with verdant life, flowers, fruit, vegetables, herbs, and succulents
…my businesses which I do on my time, when I have time
…my writing
…my family and my friends and my community
Life is not worth living if I cannot be me.
(What do you need for life to be worth living for you?)