From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Glad This Week's Over Edition
Montage of right-wingers justifying the use of a chokehold on Eric Garner because of his size: "That man was a big man"…"He was a huge individual"…"[Eric] Garner outweighed the officer by probably about 150 pounds."
Jon Stewart: They had to bring him down! He was Gigantor! … He was the Abominable Bro Man! Okay, yeah, he outweighed one cop by 150 pounds, but what about the other five cops? Maybe that's just how much racial progress America has made. It used to be that black people were only three-fifths of a white person. Now they're, like, six.
---The Daily Show
Because of course.
"Sure, you could view yet another non-indictment of a white police officer for the death of an unarmed black man as part of a larger troubling trend. Or you could be Fox News."
---Stephen Colbert
"A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling 'Ready for Hillary' champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics."
---Jimmy Fallon
"For the first time, a major league baseball umpire has announced he's gay. The umpire did this by pointing at himself
and yelling, "Out!'"
---Conan O'Brien
"Democrats in the Senate were able to stop a bill authorizing the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, even though the project could've created thousands of good
jobs cleaning off birds."
---Colin Jost, SNL
Oh, and if that Mars test module happened to come down in your back yard, NASA says put a stamp on it and send it back to Florida. But don't open it---onboard sensors indicate there's a pissed-off cleaning lady inside. Thx.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 5, 2014
Note: Ever since President Obama recklessly claimed that Americans "cling to their rubber bottoms and leather uppers," there's been a run on L.L. Bean boots, causing a massive shortage that will ruin Christmas for millions. There's your fucking lawsuit, Boehner.
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11 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Mary Landrieu loses her Senate seat because she's been running as a fake Republican against a bona fide Republican:
1
Days 'til the
lighting of the National Menorah in Washington DC:
11
Increase in new car and truck sales in November vs. November of last year:
5%
(Source: Autodata Corp.)
Number of emails that are sent every minute:
204 million
(Source:
The week)
Number of military-issue mine-resistant armored personnel carriers used by U.S. police that have actually had to resist a mine here:
0
Rank of Ella, Bethany and Eleanor on the list of names belonging to the
worst-behaved girls:
#1, #2, #3
Rank of Joseph, Cameron and Bill on the list of names belonging to the
worst-behaved boys:
#1, #2, #3
(Source:
Buzzfeed)
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Friday Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes (and rapidly-dwindling relevance) leave Congress in 29 days. And that's the perfect segue to remind you that we're now accepting name suggestions for the Minnesota loon we're adopting for the kiddie pool. Post your suggestions in the comments or send me a kosmail. I'll whittle down the nominees and you'll vote on 'em, probably next week sometime. Good luck---we're all counting on you.
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via Kossack simple): Watch the preview for the new crowd-funded documentary about sidecar dogs called Sit, Stay, Ride.
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CHEERS to workin' folks workin'. Gotta hand it to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, they're a punctual bunch, releasing their monthly jobs numbers at 8:30am on the button, without fail, in rain or sleet or snow. (They really should replace that leaky roof.) Today's jobs report is…GOOD!!! President Obama single-handedly created 321,000 jobs in November and the unemployment rate stayed at 5.8%. Here's the chart, with a reminder on the far left of the mess Bush left Obama to clean up…..
The growth in the retail and health care sectors were nice, but none could hold a candle to the one that currently enjoys 100% employment: mall Santas.
CHEERS to 2014: A Space Odyssey. Goosebumps this morning as human colonization of Mars took another step forward when the Orion spacecraft lifted off successfully from Cape Canaveral (kudos to Fox News for covering it, shame on CNN and MSNBC for ignoring it) and soared to an altitude 15 times higher than the International Space Station:
It's considered the most significant launch of the year because it's the first module designed for eventual human flight to the red planet. During the test, Orion achieved a speed of 15,000 miles per hour. To put that in perspective, that's the same speed at which Rand Paul runs away from an approaching DREAMer.
And it's been smooth
sailing ever since! Right?
CHEERS to entering the civilized world. Well, Hallefrickinlujah! On tomorrow's date in 1865---79 years after we officially declared ourselves a nation where "all men are created equal" and 8 months after Lincoln was assassinated---the 13th Amendment to the Constitution was officially ratified, abolishing slavery and pissing off the south. You can
view the document here. 149 years later, blacks are least likely to be hired, most likely to be targeted and killed by police, least likely to be in the minority among the prison population, most likely to be targeted for voter disenfranchisement by Republicans, and least likely to be on the receiving end of a presidential pardon. But, on the other hand, blacks can now be oppressed in all those ways as a
free people.
JEERS going down with the ship cussing and whining. Tomorrow morning, polls will open in Louisiana and voters will toss incumbent Senator Mary Landrieu out on her ear in favor of a right-wing nutbag. I don’t write this with any sense of glee or schadenfreude, but I also don't care to expend much energy lamenting the departure of a conservative Democrat who wasted precious senate time trying to burnish her climate-change-hoax bona fides by getting the Keystone Pipeline project rammed through the legislature. For her part, Landrieu's not sending out a love vibe at the moment:
"I am extremely disappointed…"
Y'know what, Mary? You took the words right out of my mouth.
CHEERS to #8. Martin Van Buren (aka "Martin Van Ruin") turns a sprightly 232 today. In the negative column, he sat around picking his nose during the depression and panic of 1837, and was on duty during the time of the shameful Trail of Tears. In the plus column, he averted conflicts with Britain and Canada. In the "sleeping on the couch" column, he never once mentioned his wife, Hannah, in his autobiography. And check out this bit of mudslinging from Tennessee Congressman Davy Crockett before he made his one-way trip to the Alamo (from "Anything for a Vote" by Joseph Cummins):
Fact: before the Beatles,
Van Buren claimed to be both
the walrus and the eggman.
"[Martin Van Buren] is fifty-three years old, and notwithstanding his baldness, which reaches all round and over half down his head, like a white pitch plaster, leaving a few white floating locks, he is only three years older than I am. His face is a good deal shriveled, and he looks sorry, not for anything he has gained, but for what he may lose…
Martin Van Buren is laced up in corsets, such as women in a town wear, and if possible tighter than the best of them. It would be difficult to say from his personal appearance, whether he was a man or a woman, but for his large red and gray whiskers."
Fox News would never hire Crockett as a pundit today. Too restrained.
Bill Moyers and Ta-Nehisi
Coates encore this weekend.
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CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to "warm up" for, like, 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture? Good times. Anyhow, this week there's plenty of boob-tubage to keep us all happily tranquilized, starting tonight with the snarky
How Murray Saved Christmas (NBC) and
A Very Grammy War on Christmas hoedown (CBS), which will feature some of the nominees announced today. New
DVD releases include
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and the 75th anniversary edition of
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Your
NFL schedule is here (The Patriots will "unplug" the Chargers ha ha ha!!!), NBA action
is here and the NHL schedule
is here. James Franco hosts SNL. Sunday you can take your pick of the
I Love Lucy Christmas Special, Homer getting drunk Christmas eve on
The Simpsons and the next-to-last episode of HBO's
The Newsroom.
On Bill Moyers & Company: "In the wake of decisions by grand juries in both Missouri and New York’s Staten Island not to indict white police officers in the deaths of unarmed African-Americans, this week we present an encore broadcast of Bill’s conversation earlier this year with journalist Ta-Nehisi Coates." And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: They haven't updated the web site, so I have to rely on my own judgment and experience to predict that it will be John McCain, Ted Cruz, Andrea Mitchell, Rep. Peter King (R-NY) and Tom Friedman. Naked.
Chris Wallace visits
the barnyard Sunday.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: There are only three things that you need to know: 1) Rush Limbaugh 2) Bobby Jindal 3) Jell-O vat. The result: television history written with lightning.
This Week: New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and former NYC police commissioner Ray Kelly; Ohio Governor John Kasich; roundtable with Matt Dowd, Rich Lowry, Van Jones and Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-CA)
Face the Nation: New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton and Camden County Police Chief J. Scott Thomson; NAACP President Cornell William Brooks; Soledad O'Brien on her documentary "Black in America"; police brutality roundtable with Charles Blow (NYT), Gerald Seib (WSJ), David Ignatius (WaPo) and Jeanne Cummings (Bloomberg); British Ambassador Peter Westmacott on William and Kate's visit to the U.S. next week.
CNN's State of the Union: George W. Bush. To prevent childhood trauma, use that V-chip, Mom and Dad!
Happy viewing.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 5, 2004
JEERS to losing a very bad bad guy. The U.S. and Pakistan admit that Osama bin Laden's trail has "gone cold." Two years, five months and sixteen days after C&J first suggested it, they're finally willing to try our Hail Mary pass: "Olly Olly Oxenfree!!" You got a better idea, Porter Goss? [12/5/14 Update: Never mind. Obama got him and saved the world. No big whoop.]
JEERS to No-shit Sherlock. Outgoing HHS director Tommy Thompson says "I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply." They have, sir. Here's two bucks...go rent the DVD of 'Super Size Me.'
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a guy who graduated summa cum smartass. Tomorrow is comedian Steven Wright's 59th birthday. His bio states: "I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end." And we hope he keeps still doing it for a long time to come...
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
After last season, no wonder
he looks so glum in that hat.
Support bacteria---they're the only culture some people have.
I was Caesarian born. Can't tell, except every time I leave a room I go out through the window.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Go to his newly-revamped website for
all things Steven and/or leave a message on his
Facebook page. Be polite---you know how hyper he gets.
Have a slow, decompression-rich weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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