"What a Cinderella story we've seen today at the Soros Invitational Tourney! First we saw an unknown part time greenskeeper named "Six" from some kind of hippy group called "DailyKos" make an incredible run in the afternoon, with just 7 putts in the last nine holes. Six posted a low number but didn't appear to overcome Tea Party favorite Phil Michaelson, however, who came to the last hole with a 4-shot lead. To you, Ken."
"Yes, Bob, and Phil was just recovering from his remarks last year lamenting the slight rise in his California tax rates on his $40 million annual income, that many saw as ungrateful, considering how Phil has benefited from government support for decades. Now this week we learn that Phil may be implicated for insider trading of Clorox stock. And David, can you tell us what happened to Phil on the 18th hole?"
"Bloody fooking hell, I nanna seed any Goddamned thing like it in all me born days."
"Ah thanks, David, please remember you are on a live mike."
"Bob, could you tell us what we are seeing in these stills from the video?"
"Ok. Now here's a view of the front of the green. Notice the flag is sited treacherously close to the water."
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"Phil's approach shot landed just an agonizing foot too short of the green, and rolled back. His ball ended up partly submerged in the water, but still very playable, especially for a skilled player like Phil. And remember, he had a four-shot lead. Hack it out, get down in two more shots, and he's the clear winner. Here's another look at the difficult flag position. You can see the abrupt slope just short of the flag."
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"Now here is the tricky part, is what laying in wait, near that yellow stake marking the hazard's edge."
"That's a coot, a ducklike bird, guarding its nest, just a few feet from where Phil tried to play his shot."
"And here, from a different angle, we can see Phil attempt his recovery shot."
"Just a fraction of a second later, the coot attacked, and bit Phil on a body part we aren't allowed to say on TV."
"The coot's attack threw Phil off balance. He ended up hitting the ball twice, and then the ball hit him in the chest, and fell into two feet of water where it was unplayable."
"That's a one stroke penalty for hitting the ball twice, and a two stroke penalty for letting the ball hit him. So Phil lost its entire lead with that one swing, and he had to take a penalty drop to move his ball from out of two feet of water, costing him another shot, making the DFH "Six" the incredible come-from-behind victor."
"Thanks for that fascinating narrative, Bob, let's go now to the winner's circle, when this "Six" person, this part time greenskeeper, is making an announcement."
"Thanks, everyone, I'd like to state that my entire winnings will be split up and donated to the election campaigns of Wendy Davis for Texas Governor, Alison Grimes for Kentucky Senator, and Sandra Fluke for the California legislature."