Is your technology taking over your life? Do you find yourself wasting thyme, cinnamon, sage advice, while ignoring the twists and turmeric that would ease your stress levels? Do you find yourself sitting at in front of the T&V, with everyone playing with their phone or pad, instead of actually talking or watching?
In that case, this blog's for you.
FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:
To truly simplify your life, just follow these 1,374 things to do each and every morning, and you will be surprised at the results!
1. Sit ups. It is amazing what a sit up can do your your posture, strength, and alertness. Try at least one, like, when you get out of bed. Sit up and POW! It is like magic!
2. Use the Terminal Command on your Mac to defrag your windows machine. (See below for more information)
3. Dream more often. All truly successful people dream. Ignore the fact that unsuccessful people dream just as often, albeit many more times during daylight hours, than successful folks.
4. Think Simple! Think about it. It works!
5. Aim for a specific outcome. Take the Lotto. Look at the huge amounts of money being given away, almost for free, and aim at winning the big one. Go to your gas station, and take out that one dollar bill. Pay for one ticket, constantly thinking about winning! Aim for the top prize, then fold your new ticket lengthwise, and again lengthwise. This may take some practice, so keep at it until you win.
6. Be proactive and get organized! Think Simple!
7. Manage your energy better. If you are like most modern cubicle warriors, caffeine plays a huge role in giving you energy. Instead of buying that small or medium coffee in the morning, load up on the extra-grande-mega-litre, high-caffeine premium grade Java, the kind that can melt cheap flatware over time. If you don't have that energy, you cannot manage it!
8. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. Seriously! If you look hard enough, you CAN find someone else to blame!
9. Being busy rather than being productive. Bosses, especially the ogres, meanies, jerks, the ones with an empathy level of seaweed encrusted Dover Cliff rubble, like seeing people look busy. If you are too productive, you might find yourself with free time on your hands. STOP IT! Imagine just how you look to your boss. Like a sloth. But if you simply put on an appearance of being busy, they will pass right by you with a nasty old project that you want to avoid. Appearances matter!
10. Always question every decision you make, but only after you have made it. What better way to see the error of your ways, than to keep beating yourself over your head after you decided? (This works very well when choosing lotto numbers!)
11. Always complement your boss' penis/breast/butt size, especially in public. It gives them confidence, and makes your co-workers wonder just how close you and your boss really are.
12. When hiring staff, always hire for looks and glamour. While the jobs they do are actually little better than shit, they will look great doing it, and that will more than make up for it.
13. Start a blog, call it "27 simple ways to improve your life," and steal other people's ideas to fill it with their bad, pointless, or useless advice. If someone calls you on it and complains, point out where you stole it from and blame them.
14. Take Power Naps. I find the best way to nap is in heavy traffic while I am driving back from work. I really do feel refreshed after awhile. All those horns begin to sound like an alarm clock.
15. Drink a lot. Now, some people swear that water is bestest thing for your body. But there are far better alternatives. The Original Coke, with all of its acids, sugars, and artificial colors, is great for guzzling. I would recommend at least 12 - 15 cans a day. Oh, about those calories? If you consider just how much caffeine you are taking, you will find yourself extremely energetic, especially in finding your way to the toilet after the 9th can. All that activity and rushing will actually make you LOSE weight! Other alternatives are scotch or beer, but if you notice, beer cans make a very different sound when opened compared to coke bottles.
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These are but a sample of Pastor Ag's guaranteed 1,374 "Must Do" things that will simplify your life! Available on Floppy, DVD, and paper.
If you send me a check for only $29.99, saving $3,141.59 off the list price, then I will ship the remaining 1,359 recommendations that are guaranteed - GUARANTEED! Yes, I dare use that word. It Is Guaranteed To Work! All you you risk is a better life for yourself if you ignore this great opportunity. (This is a temporary price reduction FOR YOU ALONE. Buy now before this great deal disappears forever. If you buy two, I'll even cut the price to the low, low price of $65.00. It makes a great gift for friends and family.)
All purchases are guaranteed! If you follow this plan religiously for 14 days, and you see no improvement, then your money will be returned. Shipping and handling are extra, so don't delay! Buy now and LIVE!