click here for full article, excerpt below my intro:
As reported in the satirical newspaper The Onion, Broadwater, Nebraska has been designated by the US Department of Homeland Security as the new repository of all of the USA’s over 2,500 national landmarks. Everything from the Brooklyn Bridge to Hollywood is to be moved into a giant heap here in town, to save tax money and make the landmarks easier to guard.
As a village board (city council) member, I was unaware of this pending move by DHS. (And where did they hide the pile?) If The Onion needs a local take on the issue, I am willing to be spokesperson for the village. Perhaps we should put this on the agenda for Monday, in order to plan for the orderly removal of the nation’s landmarks to our fair village?
I presume this means we also need to plan for the imminent arrival of the President and the Congress. Perhaps we could throw a massive "bull fry" (a bar-b-que of "Rocky Mountain Oysters") for their arrival?
The Village Board could also extend an invitation to Representative Adrian Smith (R-NE3) to come to Broadwater and speak to the village on this historic move.
As the US Capitol building, the Supreme Court, and all of Washington’s monuments are also to be moved here: that means Broadwater will become the new national capital of the USA.
BROADWATER, NE—In a move aimed at protecting the nation’s natural and historical heritage from potential threats, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced this week it had relocated all major American landmarks into one big, carefully guarded pile in the center of the country.
Spanning 25 square miles in a remote section of western Nebraska, the densely packed, 5,000-foot-high mound is said to contain every prominent national monument, historically designated building, and notable piece of public infrastructure from across the United States.
“From a strategic perspective, it just makes sense to put all these great symbols of America right here in one place, where we can keep an eye on all of them at once,” said Homeland Security secretary Jeh Johnson, speaking in front of the pile, within which reporters could see a span of the Golden Gate Bridge, the extended arm of the Statue of Liberty, and, tucked beneath the St. Louis Arch, the South Portico of the White House. “This way, we don’t need to safeguard thousands of individual locations scattered all over the country. We can instead focus all our surveillance measures on this single heap.”
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Just in time for Broadwater Days too! – We have a lot of planning to do in this town of 128 people for the expected crush of visitors to all our new national landmarks and seat of government.
6:16 AM MT: I sent an E-mail to the senior editor of The Onion offering myself up in case the paper would like a local official's opinion on this daring move by DHS, We'll see if he responds. (I also thanked him for the article and mentioned how funny I thought it is.)