From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Getting Deep in Here Edition
"The East Coast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m."
---Jimmy Fallon
Oh. It all makes sense now.
"Little Caesars is about to deliver a bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza. It's a pizza with three and a half feet of bacon wrapped around it. I think we've reached a point as Americans where normal pizza has become too healthy for us. … We will not stop until we've created a pizza that leaps out of the box and pulls our hearts directly out of our chests."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"Of the 20 new measles cases reported this afternoon, 18 are linked to Disneyland. Wow. Small world."
---Seth Meyers
"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'"
---Conan O'Brien
"In Kansas, it was not legal for state employees to be fired or harassed because they were gay. Governor Brownback thought: 'I need to rectify that. I can get in trouble for firing or harassing a lesbian? This cannot stand.' And, it being Kansas, I guess Brownback clicked his heels three times and said, 'There's no place like homophobia.'"
---Jon Stewart
And seven years ago:
"The principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish people as "apes" and Christians as "pigs," and says they will continue to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky are we that the Saudis are our allies."
---Jay Leno
I know, I know. Our relationship with the Saudis is "complex."
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 20, 2015
Note: If you have a busted-up wienermobile, leave a busted-up wienermobile. If you need a busted-up wienermobile, take a busted-up wienermobile.
-
7 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til International Women's Day:
16
Days 'til
Polar Science Weekend in Seattle:
7
Percent of Americans who believe same-sex couples have a constitutional right to get married:
63%
(Source: CNN/ORC poll)
Number of seasons
Last Week Tonight host John Oliver just inked a deal for with HBO:
2
Percent of cases in which prosecutors pursued the harshest penalties for low-level drug offenders in the year that ended last September, down from 64% the year before:
51%
(Source: Justice Department)
Percent increase in the number of Mainers who signed up for
health coverage under Obamacare during the 2015 enrollment period:
69%
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
Low temperature this morning in Miami:
42 degrees
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Gold star to the team at the dog rescue center in Meltham, West Yorkshire for turning this back into a dog…
-
Saturday Garden Blogging turns 10,
and spring is only 4 weeks away!
CHEERS to the Great Orange Satan's green thumb brigade. Tomorrow when you see Frankenoid's
Saturday Morning Garden Blogging post on the recommended list, be sure to stop by and say "Hibiscus!" It's the
tenth blogiversary of the sprouting of her perennial column (I'll stop with the puns now). Be sure to drop in tomorrow at 9am ET and chat about your hopes and dreams for your garden this year. As usual, here in C&J Land we're just hoping that the snow will be gone by
April May July 4th. What can I say? We're just a bunch of crazy dreamers in flannel.
CHEERS to shit-kickin' yer way to equality. Yeee-haw! The state of Texas is now---[Pew! Pew! Pew!]---locked and loaded for gay-marriage:
Mazel Tov!
Sarah Goodfriend and Suzanne Bryant [made] history [yesterday] as the first same-sex couple to be married in the state of Texas. Since the state’s ban on same-sex marriage was ruled unconstitutional almost one year ago, the GOP has managed to quash every effort by local officials to begin issuing marriage licenses---until now.
Earlier this week Travis County probate judge Guy Herman issued a ruling that the ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional after it was challenged during an estate dispute. That prompted Attorney General Ken Paxton to ask the Texas Supreme Court to intervene on an emergency basis, “to make clear to all county clerks that Texas marriage law remains enforceable until there has been final resolution.”
Because of the nature of the lawsuit, only this
one Austin couple gets to enjoy all the rights and privileges of marriage, but there's plenty of pending legal action that will eventually change that. For now, Texas, you can relax. Only half a dozen locusts have been authorized to swarm.
But Thanksgiving food drives for Walmart
employees will continue in Walmart break rooms.
CHEERS to mo' money. Yesterday Walmart shoved a crowbar (available in Aisle 5 for just $8.33) into its wallet (genuine imitation alligator skin---Aisle 9) and pried it open. Half a million employees are now getting their pay bumped all the way up to
$9 an hour. So thanks to the generosity of the mega-corporation whose owners are richer than God, entry-level workers will soon rise to the upper crust of the poverty elite. I hope management is prepared for mass fainting. (Smelling salts now on sale in Aisle 3---buy one get one free!)
CHEERS to #1. Don’t forget to say Happieth Birthdayeth to George Washington this weekend---he's 283 years old as of Sunday and still alive! (Disclaimer: actual aliveness limited to the hearts of his countrymen. See warranty that expired in 1799 for details.) Despite his reputation for steadfast do-gooderness and flawless derring-do, he was far from perfect. There was the whole cherry tree thing which pissed off environmentalists. He kept and made life miserable for slaves. He sometimes beat his own troops during temper tantrums. Terrible oral hygiene. Then again, his nation-building instincts were decent:
True Fact: George Washington
only made the cover of TIME
once during his presidency.
As president, he was particularly sensitive to the diverse interests of the new country and fervent in his efforts to prevent its fragmentation. ... He promoted roads, canals, the post office---anything and everything that would bind the different states and regions together. ...
Never taking the unity of the country for granted, he remained preoccupied throughout his presidency with creating the sinews of nationhood. ... Washington, more than anyone, promoted the sense of Union that Lincoln and others would later uphold.
---From To the Best of My Ability, edited by James McPherson
Roads? Canals? Postal service? Socialism!!! (Paging Rudy Giuliani: I think we found us
another president who doesn't love America.)
P.S. Sunday is also Ted Kennedy's birthday---#83---and it goes without saying that we miss the Lion of the Senate every damn day. In his honor, Sunday all Daily Kos meta wars will be waged with Boston cream pies.
Dear God make it stop.
JEERS to awakening a dormant trigger alert. Hearing Jeb W. Bush deliver his
tortured foreign-policy speech this week made me realize something disturbing: having been exposed to his family's insufferable nasal twanging and verbal gaffes over the past 34 years has left me with a psychological condition called PTBTS:
Post-Traumatic Bush Talking Syndrome. The moment he confused Iran with Iraq is when my brain tried to claw its way out of my skull holes. And that's when I realized: to make it through the 2016 election season, I'm going to have to mute George W. Jeb whenever he opens his mouth and rely instead on my superior lip-reading abilities. And so far it's seems to be working. Although I have to say, I don’t quite get why he thinks "bisons bathing in nectarine juice are threatening to steal windshield wipers and give them to the spooky villagers." I think it may be a dog whistle.
CHEERS to a pleasant commute. I couldn't possibly let today go by without giving a shoutout to my home state homey and hero. Fifty-three years ago today, on February 20, 1962, Ohio native (and future senator) John Glenn took a little trip into space, which The Atlantic recreates here:
"Houston, I was just served fish and
I specifically ordered the chicken, over."
Five minutes and four seconds into the flight of the Friendship 7, as John Glenn prepared to become the first American to orbit Earth, he radioed to NASA, his capsule turned and brought the Earth into sight. "Oh, that view is tremendous," he said. […] Shortly after reaching orbit, his gave his first description of an earthly phenomenon from orbit. "This is Friendship Seven," he said, "Can see clear back; a big cloud pattern way back across towards the Cape. Beautiful sight."
Glenn orbited the world three times aboard
Friendship 7 in just under five hours. A little weed and I can do that aboard
LaZBoy 1 in under 30 seconds.
Bill Nye the Science Guy, seen here
with POTUS Guy and COSMOS Guy,
joins Bill Maher tonight on 'Real Time.'
-
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as watchin' stuff goes: on HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher has booked Aloe Blacc, Fran Lebowitz, Elahe Izadi, Bill Nye and Rob Reiner. (Hey Meathead! Bring me a beer!) New
DVD releases are an embarrassment of riches:
Birdman, The Theory of Everything, Dumb and Dumber To, Bill Murray in
St. Vincent and the infamous
The Interview. (Boy, did way too many grownups who should've known better shit their pants over that or what!?) The NBA schedule
is here and the NHL schedule
is here. (The Bruins will give St. Louis "the Blues" Ha Ha Ha!) Neil Patrick Harris hosts the Oscars Sunday night (more on that below), but if they go past 11 I'll hoof it over to John Oliver's
Last Week Tonight on HBO. God as my witness I will!
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until the moment Chris Christie becomes Secretary of State:
Meet the Press: Dunno. They haven't updated their site yet. Probably a Republican governor, a deficit hawk congressman, a neocon senator, Rudy Giuliani and Harold Ford. Wild guess.
Sunday on "This Week"
Fifty Shades of Bernie.
This Week: Department of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson hosts a bake sale to raise funds for the agency; Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) wipes the floor with Senator Lindsey Graham (R-The Vapors); writers Shelby Steele and Ta-Nehisi Coates on racism in America; roundtable with Amy Chozick (NYT), Rep. Keith Ellison (D-SCARY MUSLIM), Joe Klein and Bill Kristol.
Face the Nation: Jeh Johnson brings his bake sale to CBS; Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX), because having a Democratic governor on once in awhile would be silly; roundtable with Danbielle Pletka (AEI), David Ignatius (WaPo), Michele Flournoy (CNAS) and Farah Pandith (former State Dept. Special Representative to Muslim Communities).
CNN's State of the Union: Governor John Kasichn (R-OH), because having a Democratic governor on once in awhile would be silly; plus other people they're too embarrassed to list. Probably Giuliani.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former Bush-era dungeonmaster Michael Hayden, Retired-General-for-Hire Jack Keane; roundtable with Who Cares, Who Cares, Who Cares and Who Cares.
Happy viewing!
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to naked men dipped in gold. This weekend marks the apex of awards season. Neil Patrick Harris will no doubt do a fine songy-dancey job hosting the 497th Academy Awards, which are determined every year by a secret ballot for movies that are rated by a secret star chamber first appointed by the Puritans in 1625. Here are my EXCLUSIVE predictions, complete with in-depth commentary:
Best Picture: Beverly Hills Chihuahua VII. Daniel Day-Lewis was virtually unrecognizable in all that fur, which cost him an actor nomination. But voters will still want to reward it for something.
Oscar
Best Actor: Bradley Cooper for American Sniper. Mostly because he's going to shoot the other nominees before the show.
Best Actress: Julianne Moore for Still Alice. Her performance as Sarah Palin in HBO's Game Change was so stupendous that she deserves more awards to properly reward her for that.
Best Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons for Whiplash. The Academy loves recognizing characters with disabilities, and Simmons' performance as a follically-challenged music teacher was totally non-hair-raising.
Best Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette for Boyhood. As the only nominee with a Q in her name, she has the highest-scoring Scrabble tile in this category.
Best Documentary: The one about Edward Snowden. The NSA hacked into Price Waterhouse Cooper's database and, well…let's just say a little birdy told me.
Technical Awards: All of them will go to Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens preemptively.
Best Cinematography: Obama Takes A Selfie. Eat yer heart out, Lawrence of Arabia.
The pre-Oscar coverage starts the day after last Christmas. The actual show starts Sunday night at 9 and is expected to end sometime in mid-March. Go team!
Have an award-winning weekend. And if you hear music trying to play you off, you just keep on talkin', you hear me? You just keep on talkin'. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-