It's the turtle and carrot show!
After showing clips of House and Senate Republicans, just after the November election, saying they will break the Washington gridlock, Jon went off:
Stewart: Republicans now run both the House of Representatives and the Senate, which means Barack Obama faces the unstoppable tag team of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell—or as they were known in their old cop show—Turtle and Carrot. Turtle was the straight arrow, always played by the rules. Carrot was a loose cannon who was a great source of vitamin A and dietary fiber. Now these two powerful Republicans are perfectly poised to pass a litany of legislation and I am excited, for one, to see how it goes.....
(Clips of Republicans threatening to block Dept. of Homeland Security funding unless President Obama's immigration action is repealed)
Stewart: Are you kidding me? You're blocking DHS funding for a completely different immigration action? So, to stop the president from being too lenient on immigration, you want to defund the department that secures the border. That's really like saying, you know, you kids are too horny and oversexed. So, your mother and I have decided to take away all of your clothes. From now on if your friends want to visit you, they got to do it in our house, in the basement, on our couch, without supervision...next to the liquor cabinet while this, uh, Barry White album is playing.
Republicans, how can you gamble with homeland security? How can you gamble with homeland security, Republicans—as scared as you are.
(Clips of Fox News and various Republicans shrieking about homeland security and threats against the U.S.)
Stewart: We're all gonna die! By the way, you can find all that and more in the Republican party magazine "Underground Bunkers Quarterly." A lot of good ideas for urine in that magazine.
Now there is no way Democrats will pass a bill that undoes the president's executive action on immigration, so how are we going to break this impasse?
(Clip of media report that McConnell stripped immigration action from DHS funding bill, Senate passed, followed by it being dead-on-arrival in the House.)
Stewart: And there we have it. But this finally answers the question—where is the turd clogging our legislative plumbing? They're called House Republicans. You know, everything was going to run smoothly if we had a Republican Senate to work with the Republican House, turns out no one can work with the Republican House. They're the Keith Olbermann of Congresses. Which brings us to our new segment, Meet the F#@kers.
See the segment, including the new Meet the F#@kers bit here: