Here are just a few of the bon mots, jabs, sharp elbows, and haymakers Obama tossed out at last night's Gridiron Club Dinner. (video to follow)
Following standard protocol, he opened with a joke:
This is my third appearance at this dinner as President. And I predict you will laugh harder than ever. I’m not saying I’m any funnier. I’m saying weed is now legal in D.C. (Laughter and applause.)
Quickly dropped in a little self-deprecation:
It is amazing, though, how time flies. Just a few years ago, I could never imagine ever being in my fifties. And when it comes to my approval ratings, I still can’t. (Laughter.)
A nod to current events:
I mean, think about how things have changed since 2008. Back then, I was the young, tech-savvy candidate of the future. Now I’m yesterday’s news and Hillary has got a server in her house. (Laughter.) I didn’t even know you could have one of those in your house. (Laughter and applause.)
Soften the blow with a little more self-deprecating humor:
On the bright side, by the time I’m done with this job, I will finally have enough life experience for a memoir. (Laughter.)
Once the crowd's warmed up, time to pull out the big guns ....
But first -- a head fake:
I also want to congratulate Scott Walker. He did a great job tonight. Give it up for him. (Applause.) Governor Perry, don’t you think he did a great job tonight? I noticed you weren’t clapping that much.
This lame duck stuff is fun. (Laughter.)
While everyone is distracted by the backhand to Perry's face, throw a couple of quick jabs.
Despite a great performance tonight, Scott has had a few recent stumbles. The other week he said he didn’t know whether or not I was a Christian. And I was taken aback, but fortunately my faith teaches us forgiveness. So, Governor Walker, as-salamu alaykum. (Laughter and applause.)
That's what counterpunching looks like... but wait... he's setting up a combination!
Scott also recently punted on a question of evolution, which I do think is a problem. I absolutely believe in the theory of evolution — when it comes to gay marriage.
A solid one-two. Ouch.
And, finally, Governor Walker got some heat for staying silent when Rudy Giuliani said I don’t love America — which I also think is a problem. Think about it, Scott — if I did not love America, I wouldn’t have moved here from Kenya. (Laughter and applause.)
Talk about side-splitting. Now on to the next target.... sorry Perry, you don't merit any more attention...
Governors Walker and Perry are not the only possible 2016-ers here tonight. We also have Dr. Ben Carson. He wants to make it clear that being here was a choice. The fact is, Doctor, embracing homosexuality is not something you do because you go to prison. It’s something you do because your Vice President can’t keep a secret on “Meet the Press.”
Man, how many can you flatten in one blow?! If Don Rickles and Mike Tyson had a love-child, he couldn't do more damage.
This new Congress is just getting started, which is why I want to acknowledge the leader of the House Republicans — as soon as I figure out who that is. (Laughter.)
Oh, this is going to be good.....
Staying focused, moving forward — it’s not always easy in this climate. I mean, you guys are always picking us apart. Recently, I made some comments about the Crusades, and people started blowing it all out of proportion, scrutinizing every single word. What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? (Laughter.)
And then I got flak for appearing on a video for BuzzFeed, trying to reach younger voters. What nonsense. You know, you don’t diminish your office by taking a selfie. You do it by sending a poorly written letter to Iran. (Laughter and applause.) Really, that wasn’t a joke.
Oh, snap, the problem with the letter is
it's poorly written, that must be sooooo
embarrassing to hear.
Looks like Harry Reid won't be the only person in Congress wearing dark glasses to hide their shiners. Those who aren't wearing dark glasses will be conspicuous for their inability to sit down.