Tyrion did not enjoy his off season cruise.
What's that? Oh, hey. Sorry, I was napping there. Let me climb out of this White Walker brand hibernation chamber ...
Okay, so, where were we?
Actually, that's kind of what the entire first episode of season five sets out to answer: where where we again? Most of the episode is spent hopscotching among storylines, touching base with characters we last saw way back in June. It's been that way in the first episode (or two) since the second season, and as more characters have been introduced, the necessity for re-grounding the viewer becomes more essential.
That doesn't mean nothing happened. Come on inside where (spoiler alert) we will actually discuss the episode that this post is about.
Considering the number of plotline jumps in this episode, I think I'll just lump everything having to do with a character together. We'll get fewer Westeros Airline miles that way, but at least we'll have two sentences in a row without a scene break.
If Cersei and Jaime had always felt this way about each other, we'd be short a few yellow-haired kids.
Cersei
The episode opens with two young girls, one blonde and one brunette, picking their way through a wood. We're given no "sixteen years ago ..." or other hints that we've leaped back a decade plus from our central story line, or any initial hint as to who these girls might be. However, it doesn't take too long for the dialog (lots of arrogance well seasoned with several dashes of overweening pride and threats of eye-gouging) to realize that this is a younger version of Queen Cersei. Teenage Cersei pays a call on a witch (in the book, the character is named Maggy the Frog) who has a knack for predicting the future. With a drop of Cersei's blood as a starter, Maggy foretells a future that seems to have some highlights (Cersei will marry the king and become queen) with some definite low points (pretty much everything else).
In particular, Maggy predicts that Cersei will be ousted by a queen who is "younger and more beautiful." As we fade back to adult Cersei encountering Margaery, it's clear that the golden queen thinks that Joffrey's, um, make that Tommen's doe-eyed bride is the beauty that Maggy forecast. However, there is another young and rather fetching queen sitting across the sea tending to her recently conquered city, so the real Hottie of Fortune isn't clear.
Inside the Great Sept, Tywin Lannister's body lies in state. Did they hire Charles Dance to lie still with spooky stones on his eyes for this one scene? In the space of a few hours, the Lannisters have gone from having a (nutcase) teenager on the throne and poppa Tywin actually pulling the country's strings, to having a child on that big metal chair and ... who is in charge now? Remembering that Tywin let slip that the fabled Lannister fortune has all been spent, and that a lot of wheeling and dealing is required to keep the nation's government ticking over, now would be the time for a steady hand at the wheel. Only Cersei is more interested in picking at her brother than showing a strong front.
Mourners wheel past, most of them saying token things about how great Tywin was, though you get the impression that "was" isn't a state that bothers all of them. Among the visitors is cousin Lancel Lannister, last seen several seasons ago assisting Cersei in doing in King Robert in exchange for a warm spot in her bed. While he's been offstage, Lancel has changed considerably. Not only has he grown from an awestruck boy, he's become religious. Lancel has joined the Sparrows—more or less the fundamentalist version of the local religion—and is now determined to atone for all his sinning with Cersei. (Note: Sinning with Cersei would be an excellent name for a late night talk show.) He definitely leaves the impression of someone who might very soon let slip something about how King Robert came to be done in by a big pig.
Tyrion
After a few quick peeks through a peephole, Varys the Spider gets out a crowbar and frees Tyrion from the very small cabin in which he has journeyed across the Narrow Sea. And then Varys quickly washes his hands because, yuck, a dirty crowbar. Varys has brought Tyrion to the home of Illyrio, the same Illyrio who back in Season 1 Episode 1, arranged Daenerys’s marriage to the messily departed Khal Drogo. He's also the guy who gave her the dragon eggs (and where did he get those?).
Every season of Game of Thrones seems to deliver a mismatched pair in a traveling buddy comedy. Last year it was Arya and the Hound. This year it looks like Tyrion and Varys will fit that bill.
Varys tries to convince Tyrion that it's possible to have a kingdom where the powerful actually protect the weak rather than using them for stepping stones and nice chair cushions. Tyrion isn't buying into this fluffy bunny view of feudalism. However, when Varys pushes Tyrion to take a trip (on a ship, go sailing away ...) and determine if Daenerys is the real deal, Tyrion decides to come along—so long as he can drown his liver en route.
Sansa
Up in the Eerie, the Eerie so high, Sansa is still getting lessons in advanced devious from Littlefinger. Having dropped off the Little Lord Robin with the Royce family, Littlefinger takes Dark Sansa away in a coach. They are supposedly heading for The Fingers, an area of the Riverlands that is home to Littlefinger's family. However, going where you said you were going is probably not allowed in the Littlefinger book of plotting. Unless ... maybe he will go because he thinks that no one thinks that he will. Only ... Fezzik!
Daenerys
In a scene that must have been great fun for the effects-folks, Daenerys has the giant statue of the Harpy toppled from the Very Tall Pyramid and sent skidding down to the streets. It's a terrific image and a big display of Under New Management for the city of Meereen. Only not five minutes later one of Daenerys' "Unsullied" warriors is getting his throat cut in a brothel.
What does an Unsullied really want?
There's a couple of mysteries here. First, who are the Sons of the Harpy and how can we stop them from further screwing up Daenerys' none-too-brilliant start as an administrator? Second, why was an Unsullied in a brothel? We've been assuming that they are ... are ... well, if not eunuchs, at least somehow asexual by design. The one who got his throat cut wasn't there for sex, but apparently at least a little female singing and scalp stroking is enjoyable.
While we ponder that one, Hizdahr arrives back from Yunkai. Remember Yunkai? No, I don't blame you. Anyway, Yunkai agrees to be good if only Dany will let them engage in gladiatorial games. Naturally, she refuses despite every adviser giving her a good "uh, Your Highness ..." talk. Even her current bed warmer, Daario, informs Daenerys that he used to play the dangerous game back in Yunkai and urges her to reopen the fighting pits.
Of course, Daario also prods Daenerys to bring her dragons back into the game. That's a suggestion that turns out to be Not So Good. When Dany goes down to the basement to see how the children are doing, they greet her with big toothy snaps and blasts of flame. It makes me think that the three month old Lab pup currently chewing up every shoe, table leg, and leg in my house isn't so bad after all.
Getting the warm-in-a-bad-way greeting from her pair of "good" dragons, clearly shakes Daenerys' confidence. Like pretty much everyone this week, she's left in a position that seems more than a little tenuous.
Need something sworded, anyone?
Brienne
Brienne sharpens her sword. The end.
No, seriously. That's about it for Brienne. She gives Pod a speech about how he's not really a squire, she frowns a lot, and she sharpens her sword. This is about a little as it is possible for a character to do and rise about the level of scenery. Which is a shame, because I love Brienne and secretly hope that Maggy's prediction is about her. She is Brienne the Beauty after all. Anyway, Brienne does get to deliver one good, if sad, line.
“All I ever wanted was to fight for a lord I believed in. The good lords are dead, and the rest of them are monsters.”
Jon Snow
Jon Snow may still know nothing, but he's learned to walk around Castle Black with a level of been there, seen it, stabbed the T-shirt world weariness that would make German coin a new word. While Sam is busy making promises to Gilly that he can't possibly keep, Jon is taken by the always creepy Melisandre to see King Stannis.
Stannis has an actually pretty decent idea of recruiting the Wildlings to fight for him in exchange for giving them land in the North. The only reason this won't work is because the Wildlings don't fight for anyone but themselves and they don't care about land. So ... there's that. Plus Stannis wants Jon Snow to convince Wildling leader, Mance Rayder, to bend the knee and swear fealty to Stannis.
Mance isn't going to follow this plan. He says that he thinks Stannis would make a good king—which may be proof that Mance has taken a serious blow to the head, since Stannis would be a stiff-necked, officious, godawful king. You thought Joffrey was bad? Give the crown to someone who insists on a letter perfect interpretation of the law. There'll be no one left alive.
Anyway, Mance wishes Stannis well even as Stannis is having the former King Beyond The Wall tied to one of Melisandre's pyres. As the flames start to lick at Mance's legs and a scream threatens to tear from his throat, Jon Snow steps away. At first it appears that he's being squeamish, but Jon returns to shoot an arrow into Mance's chest, putting an early end to the anguish party. In a night where not much happens, this is probaly the biggest Actual Action that anyone takes, and how it positions Jon versus Stannis and the Red Woman is something we'll need to find out.
Next week: Arya. I knew it was time to wake up.