I have not sat down to write much of anything in any depth or length in over a year. oh trust me the three squirrels that run around between my ears have been busy but, they have not been willing to slow down to write much of anything, until now. But now they are not only willing but are wanting to write. So for those that will read this missive, good luck, don’t blame me, blame the squirrels! LMAO
As is always the case when I write, I like to tell stories, not just the facts but I also like to include textural impressions as well. Yes, I do use literary embellishments at times but usually just to make a larger point. For this chapter in the ongoing adventures of my life, I wanted to first lay out what recently happened to me, then move on to the point of the title of this diary, and lastly, start the free-for-all that is our ongoing community conversation.
Yup I was sick with a pneumonia (3rd time since July 2012) and I was able to spent 11 days in bed at Mercy of NW Arkansas ‘health spa’ — Hospital/Medical Center (great staff, top notch folks). No fun, but I did the best I could to have fun when I could (that is who I am) and yes, I did scare my doctors, nurses and family, all the while I was trying to crack jokes (when I could) and always trying to be as helpful to staff as possible during those days. All to many of you know the drill as well if not better than I do.
Nurse: “We need to take your vitals, sorry to wake you”.
Me: “no need to apologize, you have a job to do too, and that is to make sure I am getting better, taking vitals is part of that”.
Respiratory therapist: “Sorry to wake you, it is time for your 1 A.M. breathing treatment”.
me: “ cool lets do this, the sooner I take it the sooner I will get better, so lets party”.
Please follow me beyond this bland, nondescript, generic page break…..
We literally could have avoided 3 days in ICU if we had thought to start administering Lasix (a diuretic) 2 hours sooner on Wednesday, Nov. 4th. The hospitalist doc literally had just closed the room door to go give the medication change orders when I shifted my weight in bed, began to hyperventilate and desaturated, my O2 levels dropping to 65% within 1 minute (YIKES) scared them all, myself included.
doc: “can we use a high flow ventilator on you if we need to?
me: GASP YES!
doc: can we intubate you if we need to”?
me: double GASP YES!
me: “YES! of course, what ever it takes. But we won’t need to, the higher oxygen flows seem to be helping (7 Liters/min @ 100%). Am I being a drama queen or what”?
Doc: “give him more oxygen, bring it up to 10 liters”
me : ”I always want to be the center of attention, don’t you know?, that feels much better, see my saturation's are going back up from 65% already” (they had climbed all of 7% from 65% to 72% and I could talk better was all) *L*
I know, some of you must be thinking “He must have a theater arts experience” or something, (I do). *LOL*
So, we started using a high flow machine (40 Liters/min. @ 100% O2) injected 60 mg of Lasix into my IV liine and 1 hour later, I was already getting better and on the road to recovery. They drained over 13 liters of fluid out of my body over the subsequent 7 days. Talk about an awesome weight loss program, wow.
*LOL*
So yes, I was cracking jokes WHILE they were all freaking around me.
And yes, I was trying to hold a conversation at 65% O2 saturation levels. I guess I am just too much of a knucklehead to just pass out like normal people do.
If you are a science minded observer of the human spirit you might say the will to live and be heard is very powerful; if you were an observer of human nature, you might conclude that I was not very rational. If however, you were me, reflecting on this moment AFTER the fact, you would just say” “ Is that dumb or what”? *LMAO*
Now For A More Serious Conversation
Since the moment of discovery that there was a mass in my left lung (February of 2012) I have consciously tried to live in the moment as much as possible. That was an agreement I made with myself and with my medical team and family from day one. I had my own VERY good reasons why. I needed to seize control of my imagination and of those three silly squirrels that reside between my ears. If I had not, make this decision it is unlikely that I would still be alive today. I know me very well now that I have been around for 61 years. If I had let my imagine run a-muck inside my brain for any length of time at all, it would have been a very quick swirl around the flush bowl of life and gone. I know all too well how stupid my imagination can be if I let it run wild in its untamed state for any length of time. trust me, it is not pretty. LOL
I HAD to build resiliency within myself immediately in order to survive the chaos, that was to come down on me like no other challenge in my life, cancer diagnosis, treatment, side effects and survival with my body, mind, spirit changed irrevocably.
I do it with humor and with my scientifically curious mind that is always wondering why my body is doing “this” (whatever “this” is). I consciously try to be kind, humble, courteous, joyful, merciful and hopeful at all times. I do try to keep my emotions seperated from what I am experiencing because I find it easier to be able to discuss with my medical team what my body is doing if I do try to be a ‘faux impartial observer’. Keeping myself in this state of mind is challenging every day, but in order to have enough emotional strength for those days we have set backs (like another ICU trip and 11 day hospital stay) I found that for me, this is the best course of action for me to take. Hopefully by sharing these technique’s, others may gain some measure of strength for their own journey through this (sometimes) insane club we belong to and that no one ever wanted to join.
Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group for anyone who has cancer, has a loved one with cancer, or who has questions, issues, or information to share about cancer, including clinicians, researchers, or others who have a special interest and can help to educate our readers. We have many different members who fit all these categories, sometimes more than one at a time. Please share if you can, or just listen; there is plenty to learn just from reading our extensive catalogue of past diaries and postings. All are welcome to use this group as a resource. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7:30-8:30 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to cover physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. While most diaries focus on a specific topic or area relevant to cancer, each diary is also an Open Thread for sharing concerns, announcements, and information. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.