Hillary Clinton announced today at SpaceX Headquarters in Hawthorne, CA that she has decided not to run for president in 2016. "I've given enough to the mushheads of this country", she told the crowd of reporters assembled to question her about rumors she uses an iPad. "I've decided to set my personal goals a bit higher than the White House, so I have signed up with Elon Musk to be one of the first Mars colonists. And no, you won't be able to vote for Elizabeth Warren either, because she's coming with me."
In other news, a NASA probe has crashed on Mercury, discovering that it, not Venus, is the location of hell.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an unusual press conference here today, NASA released a batch of bizarre sound recordings and video from the Messenger spacecraft moments before it impacted the surface of Mercury. Scientists are struggling to decipher what the data mean, but some contend they sound like human voices crying out in agony.