From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Intercepted!
To: All Patriotic Texans who know what's really going on
From: The Patriotic Texans Council (Duke, Charley and Li'l Ricochet)
May 18, 2015 07:45 Alamo Time
Patriots,
As you know, "President" Obama is planning to seize control of Texas this July via an invasion disguised as a "military exercise." Thanks to an alert member of our team, we have obtained a satchel from a Yank containing several Pentagon scenarios for how the slippery northerners will launch their invasion.
Starting today, and continuing every day thereafter (except workdays, Memorial Day weekend, July 4th weekend and bowling night), we will initiate a rotating roster of Texas Patriots to keep watch from the steeple of the Church of Jesus Christ the Asskicker on Winchester Boulevard. When HUSSEIN Obama begins his invasion, we'll warn you of which scenario he's chosen by lighting lanterns in said steeple as follows:
One if by land
Two if by sea
Three if by secret tunnels under Walmarts
Four if by blimp armada
Five if by armadillos with lasers
Six if by infantry division smuggled under Jim Hightower's hat
Seven if by Hillary Clinton
Eight if by United Nations Agenda 21
Nine if by sharia law
Ten if by gay marriage
When you see the signal, race to Applebee's and we'll plan our defense. (Don’t forget to bring your frequent diner discount card for great savings on appetizers.) Together, we can prepare ourselves for the impending War of Northern Aggression into Texas and save our way of life from those gawdamn meddlers.
God Bless the Real America.
Duke
Looks like Obama's gonna have to switch to Plan 11. Most unfortunate.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 18, 2015
Note: If you plan to print out and eat today's C&J, it will count as 3 fiber points toward your daily total. Add one protein point if you plan to top it with cheese and two dessert points if you plan to eat it while sitting in a chocolate fountain. ---Weight Watchers
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17 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the
2016 Summer Olympics in Rio:
445
Days 'til the
Tupelo Elvis Festival in Mississippi:
17
Number of hours a Walmart employee has to work at the company's new starting wage of $9 an hour to be paid what CEO Doug McMillon is paid for just one hour:
1,036 hours
(Source: AFL-CIO)
Number of veterans now being taken care of through the VA system:
8.7 million
(Source:
The Washington Post)
Number of 3D printers shipped worldwide in 2013 and 2015 (estimated), respectively:
79,000 / 217,350
Number of stories in the apartment building China recently built using a 3D printer:
5
(Source:
The Week)
Kos's current approval rating:
97%
(Source: Just believe it, okay???)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: If nothing else, America is exceptional in hoaxes.
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CHEERS to the Bernie bandwagon. A funny thing is happening on the way to Senator Bernie Sanders' official presidential declaration a week from tomorrow: a lot of candidate shoppers are looking under his hood and coming away impressed with what they see. Case in point: Dr. James Burdick, a professor of surgery at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, pens an op-ed in the Baltimore Sun and concludes:
The straightforward Sanders approach involves appropriate government intervention where needed. No market-based democracy can be sustained without government rules to keep it in line with the interests of the country. This is contrary to the Republican mainstream in principle, although if you mention roads, food safety, Medicare---or, of course, defense---their opposition to government involvement melts away. That makes no sense.
Bernie Sanders makes sense. That is why I, as a medical doctor, support his views on health care reform and why he will be a great president. And we must not let anyone representing the 1 percent get us hung up on the label during the primaries. He is certainly not a socialist. As a Democrat I agree that he embodies the best in that party, but even if you call him an independent, he has the best interests of 100 percent of the country in mind. And he has the vision and political craftsmanship to achieve his goal.
Over the weekend Bernie was on CNN's
State of the Union (his third Sunday show in three weeks---not bad), and you can
read the transcript here. While the conservative candidates hem and haw and
tie themselves in knots with inconsistencies, Bernie stays cool, calm and consistent. Funny how that happens when you tell the truth.
JEERS to today's boring correction. Louisiana Governor and likely never-gonna-be-president candidate Pyush Jindal claimed Saturday that President Obama isn’t daring to target key ISIS commanders. In fact, just hours before Jindal made that assertion…
"Let me make myself perfectly
clear on foreign policy: Duhhh."
U.S. Special Operations forces killed a key ISIS commander during a daring raid in eastern Syria overnight Friday to Saturday---securing intelligence on how the terror organization operates, communicates and earns money, U.S. government officials said. … The ground operation was led by the Army's Delta Force, sources familiar with the mission told CNN. There were about two dozen members of Delta Force involved, sources said. … [Secretary of Defense Ash] Carter said he had ordered the raid at the direction of President Barack Obama. All the U.S. troops involved returned safely.
We're sure Governor Jindal regrets the error and will now take that silly Patton helmet off his head.
CHEERS to proclamations you never heard from presidents #1 through #43. To mark yesterday's annual International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia, the most powerful man on earth used his bullhorn:
"We take this opportunity to reaffirm that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) rights are human rights, to celebrate the dignity of every person, and to underscore that all people deserve to live free from fear, violence, and discrimination, regardless of who they are or whom they love. … There is much more to do, and this fight for equality will not be won in a day. But we will keep working, at home and abroad, and we will keep fighting, for however long it takes until we are all able to live free and equal in dignity and rights."
Adding heft to Obama's words: a White House
fact sheet on the steps taken by the Executive Branch on behalf of the LGBT community since January, 2009. It's one of the few times I didn't mind wrist pain from all that scrolling down.
CHEERS to knowing where there is. I don’t know how this slipped by me: the 27th annual National Geography Bee ended last week in Washington, D.C. and the winner is
Karan Menon, an 8th-grader from New Jersey's John Adams Middle School. He gets a cool $50,000 in scholarship money and a free trip to the Galapagos Islands. So here's the final question:
“If completed, the proposed Grand Inga Dam would become the world’s largest hydropower plant. This dam would be built near Inga Falls on which African river?”
The winning answer is “the Congo River..” Unless you're a Republican, in which case
your winning answer is always
Benghazi.
CHEERS to happy outcomes. 163 years ago today, Massachusetts ruled that all school-age children must attend school, and that turned out okay. Nine years ago yesterday, same-sex couples started getting married there, and that's turned out okay, too. And earlier this year I read that Massachusetts still has the lowest divorce rate in the country. I think I've figured it out: red states don’t really hate "liberal" Massachusetts---they're just jealous.
True fact: Cheney once lost
one of his fangs while sucking
blood out of George W. Bush.
JEERS to the great enamel revolt. Dr. Ben Carson, currently the nuttiest of the Republican candidates running for president,
lost a couple of teeth during a campaign stop in South Carolina last week. (It's probably the first time in recorded history that someone has lost a tooth while eating scrambled eggs, one of the softest foods ever to enter humanity's maw.)
He went on and gave a speech with gaps in his mouth to match the gaps in his logic. The anti-gay brain surgeon later admitted he didn’t put the teeth under his pillow before he went to bed because the last thing he wants is a fairy in his bedroom.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 18, 2005
JEERS to fingering the culprit and finding out it's US. GOP hotheads have been screaming bloody murder at the "corrupt" U.N. because of the Iraq oil-for-food scandal. And yet, American corporate shenanigans accounted for over half of the kickbacks paid to Saddam's regime. Mr. Speck...meet Mr. Log.
CHEERS to fond farewells. Tomorrow marks the last time we'll ever stand in line for the premiere of a Star Wars movie. Tonight we shall dine with old friends. May the fava beans be with you. [5/18/15 Update: I retract the ridiculous assertion above and chalk it up to my disturbing lack of faith in the Force. I will now pay for my insolence by spending thirty minutes in the penalty Sarlacc Pit.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Victoria Day (Canada). Once again, the bottom half of May rolls around and my wall calendar starts screaming at me, "Victoria Day (Canada)! Victoria Day (Canada)!" Usually I just shrug, dust off my William Shatner shrine and start chugging my leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day (Canada). But this year I decided, what the hell, I might as well find out what all the fuss is about, eh:
Victoria Day celebrates Queen Victoria's birthday (May 24th). Canada is still a member of the Commonwealth of Nations, of which the Queen is head. Victoria Day is always on a Monday; thus the holiday is part of a long weekend, which is commonly referred to as the Victoria Day Weekend, the May Long Weekend, the May Long, or the May Two-Four (a case of beer in some parts of Canada is called a "two-four" and many of these are consumed over the holiday). The weekend is also called the May 24th weekend, although it does not necessarily fall on May 24th. The Victoria Day Weekend is the first popular weekend for spring/summer travel.
Ahhhhh…now it makes sense why Senator Ted Cruz refused for so long to renounce his Canadian citizenship. Between Victoria Day (Canada) and Memorial Day, he was getting two holiday weeks in a row. Hate to say it, but he's smarter than I thought.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"All right, all right, all right. Anyone has as much right to boo Cheers and Jeers as they do to ovate."
---Matthew McConaughey
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