Ok, so the funny thing about drama and BS is that it tries to drag you back in, even when you're trying to get out of it.
Yesterday has been one of those days that really pushed the limit, but It's amazing what a few hours of therapy and a whole lot of perspective can do.
Can't wait to move.
(Day on the Flip)
After I logged off from the computers last night, I headed with the kids back to the hotel. Pretty much did nothing other than stand by the phone waiting for calls. Nothing much happened, and I am amazed how often TV shows recycle the same episodes over and over again now. I don't usually watch TV, but damn. I remember that there used to be a variety of stuff from day to day. Just an observation.
Woke up this morning at 6. Actually slept pretty well last night, and headed to VSO. Got there at 8. He doesn't arrive until 9, but the line starts at 8. Kids were bored out of their minds, and we had a long discussion about things we HAD to do. Found out some more info about filing a claim, and should be able to file Monday before I leave, if everything goes to plan, and VTC fulfills their end of the bargain,. (Not getting hopes up, as detailed below)
Got call from local volunteer regarding my entry to VTC. Apparently, just like I thought, my reluctance to get back onto medication, and past history of "marijuana abuse" counted against me in the selection process. Apparently unless I IMMEDIATELY get back on the medication (Latuda) which makes me sleepy, and tends to make me very "pliable" with regards to doing whatever I am told to do, I will NOT Be considered for the program.
Volunteer was very upset about this. Suggested that I was just making excuses to not go back on medication, and needed to "Pull my head out of my ass". And that is an exact quote, mind you. Told me that if I didn't immediately do exactly as I was told, that all aid from the program would stop after the week in the hotel. I politely responded that I wasn't sure VTC was a good solution for me, and that I had been making other arrangements with people I knew, who weren't going to put me into a 12 step program I didn't need and monitor my every interaction with the opposite sex.
He hung up.
Took kids to Salinas library, as it was on the way. Car door broke, and wouldn't close. Bystander had tools, and without requesting remuneration, proof that I "Needed" help or any other hesitation, helped me get it back onto the car, and locked so it would not fall off. The contrast to every official interaction caught me quite by surprise.
Took kids to therapy. Discussed being off of medication, and reasons that I was. Therapist stated that it was my decision, but recommended I talk with a psychiatrist as soon as I was stable. Agreed that my priorities needed to be on finding a safe place for family FIRST, before getting to work on dealing with PTSD. Noted that the times I had felt low off of the medication I had sought help, and had dealt with problems. Honestly, I also admitted I hated the way the stuff made me feel, and how it tied and gagged my muse.
Kids were very happy after therapy. Took ride back to Monterey, and thanked local librarian who had tried to get me help around here. Explained that while I appreciated his help, the priorities of the system seemed a bit out of whack. Non-committal response. Not offended by that, since I truly believe he was doing his best, and didn't have to. Problem was that too many of the services around here are geared towards the 12 step solution.
And that was the day.
So, as it is, I'm planning on jumping in the car on Monday, bright and early. Taking the 1 to Santa Cruz, then hopping the hill on the 17, and hitting the 580 through Oakland. Depending how the kids are feeling, I'll either stop in Sacramento, or keep heading north on the 5.
Planning on hitting Medford by day 2. Still on the 5. Then keep heading up through Oregon, stopping whenever the kids get tired.
Plan on hitting Portland Thursday or Friday. (I'm NOT rushing.)
One thing that I've noticed is that the people who help you the LEAST want to make damn sure that you know how much they're sacrificing for you. Looking back, the people who made me jump through the most hoops for help had an incredibly elevated sense of how much they were helping. On the other hand, the quiet dignity and smiles of those people who helped me the most, is amazing. Even when I try to thank them more.
I can't express how wonderful everyone has been here, and how generous the community has been. I know a lot of folks don't think they've done much, but just by commenting on my diaries, and letting me know about services, they've helped more than the folks who proclaim their holiness to the recipients of their "Largess".
Thanks folks. You keep me sane.
5:08 PM PT: Thanks for the Rec's folks. I'm starting to think this life would make a terrible reality series... (I'm getting happier, instead of everything going to hell.)
5:27 PM PT: Ok... Library's getting close to closing, so I gotta go tonight.
Tomorrow I have my peer support group at the VA, nice and early, so we'll see how that goes.