Most of us here are no strangers to setbacks. Frankly, most people don’t make it to adulthood (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) without experiencing their share of disappointments, setbacks, failures, false starts, hurdles, ruts, barriers, or stumbles. Nobody’s perfect, and nothing drives that home like setting out to do something and not quite pulling it off.
The problem for many of us is that we forget that this sort of thing happens to everyone (yes, even outwardly confident, successful people mess up too, sometimes quite spectacularly). Instead, we use it as an excuse to start beating ourselves up, or as evidence to convince ourselves that we’ll never be able to do that thing, because obviously we suck.
And—because of the aforementioned self-diagnosed suckage—instead of focusing on the stuff we do right, we have all kinds of counterproductive reactions to those bumps and barriers we experience. We get upset or sad. We harbor guilt. We feel humiliated or embarrassed. We allow ourselves to feel useless or unworthy. We isolate ourselves. And above all, we avoid trying that thing again (or even thinking about trying it again), lest we compound our earlier fail with even more fail.
“Failure is a hurdle, not a dead end.” Richard Branson
Thing is, those reactions, perfectly natural though they may be, are actually the least useful and most counterproductive responses to failure.
Self-recrimination doesn’t prepare you for another attempt, it just makes you feel worse about something that’s in the past and can’t be changed. Ditto embarrassment and guilt. And avoidance as a coping mechanism—though satisfying in the short-term—only lasts so long; we all have to confront the thing eventually.
Instead, try practicing kindness, to yourself and to others. The better you care for yourself, the stronger you’ll be for the next go-round...and the better you care for others, the more likely they’ll be to support you when you take your next crack at it.
It’s also good to let go of any negative feelings surrounding past failed attempts and strategies: they take up valuable mental real estate you need for future efforts.
Finally, remember that all of this is a choice: to move forward even with the knowledge that the next step might be a misstep too, and knowing that’s okay. One of these times, you’ll clear that hurdle and never look back.
Who’s Your Little GUS Buddy?
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