Local Eccentric Announces Run for Presidency
- Yes, it’s Gelborth Picklebottom - again
Local eccentric millionaire Gelborth Picklebottom has officially announced that he is throwing his hat in the ring for the presidency of the United States, again. With his declaration, Mr. Picklebottom has now run for president seven times, starting with his first campaign in 1992 and in each presidential election since. Mr. Picklebottom has never received more than 500 votes nationwide.
In an exclusive interview with the Scallion, Mr. Picklebottom explained his main reason for running this time was to “make America pretty good, again.” Mr. Picklebottom stated, “I’m sick and tired of all those professional politicians in Washington acting like they know what’s goin’ on. Well, we need someone in there who doesn’t have a clue as to what’s goin’ on! Just because you’ve got all this experience in foreign policy, or domestic policy or know how things work in government, doesn’t mean you can do any better than someone who hasn’t spent a day in his life doing any of that stuff. I mean, how hard can it really be to write treaties, or design fiscal or monetary policy?”
Mr. Picklebottom also has some ideas about other issues: “The Mexicans, I love ‘em. The gays, I love ‘em. Women, I love ‘em, especially women. I love everybody. That’s why I’ll make the best president. I’ll do great things. I made a lot of money. I know how to make money. I’ll make money for the country. Watch me make money for the country. I’ll make lots of money for the country. TPP… I don't really know what that is. But I don't like the sound of it. Probably something for losers. Isn’t that something you do to someone's house on Halloween? I like Halloween. You get stuff on Halloween. Halloween is for winners. I’m a winner. Watch me be a winner. I can win on all of the holidays. America has great holidays…”
[Editor’s note: At this point in the interview, Mr. Picklebottom wandered away from the reporter and started yelling at some nearby birds.]
Mr Picklebottom is a lifelong resident of Doogle County and made his fortune in the manure industry, providing fresh fertilizer to area farms for most of his career. When asked about local political endorsements, Mr. Picklebottom proved evasive: “Endorsements, I don’t need no stinkin’ endorsements. That way, I’m not responsible to anybody.”
County Commissioner Hailey Hailborn, in whose district Mr. Picklebottom lives, when asked on the record if she would endorse the local candidate, stated, “Mr. Picklebottom is a fine man who has done a tremendous amount of good for his community spreading dung throughout this area. I wish him the best as he continues to expand his endeavors.”