The White House and Congressional Republicans today announced a bold, new, communications strategy to ease public acceptance of future policy proposals, and boost plunging approval ratings. The improved messaging, meant to broadly encompass all future domestic economic and social initiatives, is motivated by the need to push past the confusion and contradictions of the administration’s first two months in office, which have left voters and markets wondering about the fundamental philosophical thrust of the party now controlling the House, Senate, and White House.
The blunt point now put forth by the unified Republicans, bridges the huge gap between the moderate and far right wings of the party, while sticking with populist tRump voters, is “Screw America First.” While first reactions to the new messaging were not uniformly positive, Republicans hope the simplicity, clarity and directness of the slogan will cut through all the fake news and unAmerican liberal noise in the media to focus voters on the coherent profundity of their future proposals.
To commemorate the launch of the new strategy, the White House delivered large souvenir objects to all on hand, designed to represent the enormity of the presidents’ leadership on this matter. White House aides cautioned that the latex of which these whimsical mementoes were made would degrade when exposed to ultraviolet radiation, prompting the warning to recipients that they immediately “Put them where the sun don’t shine.” Legislators overcome with the joviality of the occasion pretended to have sword fights with the souvenirs, and kept comparing them to see whose was largest.
Steve Bannon, Chief Strategist to the president, could barely contain his glee, ”This is the ultimate assault against administrative state’s refusal to open itself up to the new reality in Washington. Only by pounding away relentlessly will we finally be able to come together and stretch everyone’s capacity to accommodate the enormous size of the changes we are proposing. Anyone on the left or right who can not get behind the president will find themselves left behind. We are reserving one of our largest applications of the new messaging with Rachel Maddow’s name on it.”
Said KellyAnn Conway, counselor to the president, “The markets HATE uncertainty. The presidents’ new message is so uncomplicated that finally, after eight years of the pinpricks of Obama’s limp and squishy leadership, everyone will know, in no uncertain terms, EXACTLY what this administration plans to advance forcibly into the America heartland. We expect the American people to assume the position to receive these policies and quit struggling against the penetration of new ideas.”
tRump at a photo opportunity with Congressional Republicans in the Oval Office, (at which no press questions were allowed and where the Secret Service quickly gagged and hustled out any reporter who made a sound) gushed, “We have wasted too much time on the gentle approach to getting our message into America, and have failed to reach deeply enough into the public’s consciousness. No more screw ups. It’s time we screwed our enemies. It’s time to push through the resistance, no matter how strong, to fully extend ourselves as far inside every real American as we can get, where they can fully feel its effect in spreading prosperity. I was elected by the overwhelming majority of the American people, once those millions of those illegal immigrant votes are subtracted, to ram through radical new assaults against the currently tightening forces perpetuating American carnage.”
Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary amplified the president’s comments saying, “Liberals and the unAmerican Left will oppose anything the president proposes, so it makes no sense to any longer try to craft a message for which that failing minority of voters will open up voluntarily. If they don’t feel the message fits, then they need to force it until they can open their firmly closed minds to take it all in. We suggest that if this is too painful for them, to lay back, relax, close their eyes and think of Russia.”
Reince Priebus, Chief of Staff explained, “If the public could not sufficiently grasp our budget blueprint and our ultimate position on healthcare reform, we are obliged to shove harder to make everyone feel the pain required to Make America Great Again. The bottom 99% have no choice but to get used to digging deep within themselves to embrace the presidents’ erection of a new, firm position on a widening host of issues. We are committed to keep pushing until everyone relinquishes the illusion that they can restrain us from taking full control of the sphincter-like gateways to America’s heart and soul.”
Paul Ryan issued a statement supporting the president, “Everyone on our side of the aisle will do everything we can to bend the American public over to accept the president’s message.” Asked if Congress should do anything to ease acceptance of the new message, Ryan responded, “Doing big things is hard. Change is uncomfortable. If it doesn’t hurt, then it probably is not big enough. When new ideas slide into the public consciousness without friction, no one knows if that idea is really inside them yet.”
Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader, further elaborated, “Past efforts, no matter how intensely driven, have missed the mark and harmlessly went sideways with no impact. Firm pressure is required to win Americans’ uninhibited embrace. The presidents’ forceful lunge forward is a hole-in-one. Taint for nothing he got elected.”
Florida Senator Marco Rubio vehemently disagreed saying, “This is blatant overcompensation for the presidents’ small hands and all that implies. He is simply probing with his tiny fingers and attempting to insert himself into every crevice of American life,” before he was whisked off by the Secret Service to join family members in Cuba via Guantanamo.
Similarly Arizona Senator John McCain said that “This reeks of some of the enhanced interrogation techniques employed on Iraqi prisoners, which I, as a former prisoner of war, found so objectionable. However, I am prone to give way to the president on this, providing we fully investigate any reports of needless whimpering by the American people.”
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham chimed in, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for something this big to come along. I’m head over heels thinking about how fulfilling this will be after a lifetime of serving the public and feeling empty inside. I’m ticked pink to fill myself with this new strategy’s broad implications.”
Congressional Democrats were divided about the new strategy. Some said that they should be open to receive the president’s push because resistance was futile. Others urged their base to clench their ranks together and fight against every inch of this new encroachment on the right to live without government intrusion.
Reception among Trump voters was uniformly positive. Clyde Shyteferbranes of Alabama, lifelong Republican, said, “tRump was right that we’d support him even if he shot someone on Fifth Avenue. This new proposal is a lot easier to take in than murder. We’ve always been wide open to whatever he wants. We will accommodate the president no matter how large the size of the baton he wields to lead us to greatness.”
Fundamentalist Christian Jethro “Jams” Boutee’ wasn’t so sure, “This is something we would have thought sinful not so long ago. But if it gets us a conservative majority on the Supreme Court, and sticks it to those babykillers, I guess we will go along, to get along. Or at least not put up any resistance. tRump is like Jesus and we are his sheep. And speaking of sheep, young boys here in the rural Bible Belt develop very strong attachments to sheep.”
In the Kremlin, a spokesman for Vladimir Putin observed, “tRump is changing America from the bottom up, even if it requires splitting apart things formerly stuck together. This is all going according to plan, er...of course HIS plan, tRump’s plan, to separate America’s different factions and fill that opening with the hefty girth of new thinking. Together with Russia, tRump’s America can launch a double-headed effort to broadly penetrate failed institutions like the EU and NATO, and end Western hegemony.”
Petroleum stocks skyrocketed on news of the presidents’ announcement, particularly the lubricant and plastics sectors. Said one industry spokesman, “There are over 300 million Americans who need to be filled with joy that finally they no longer need to sit passively waiting for forceful leadership. We are eager to assist the president in filling that gaping void with our many fine, if slightly toxic, products.”