Excerpts from Medium.
I just thought the news last week was so crazy. The attorney of POTUS threatening to hunt down some random pensioner. Anywhoo, he promised he’d issue an apology, so in lieu of us seeing a public statement, we can take solace here:
My client, attorney Marc Kasowitz, would like to issue a public apology for several of his actions over these past two weeks. I am here today to transmit said apology. Please let me start by reminding everyone that Mr Kasowitz has been a respected member of the legal community for many decades which essentially precludes him from being a narcissistic, verbally abusive asshole.
Now, let’s get straight to the point. Mr Kasowitz is profoundly sorry for his abusive behavior towards an unnamed man who emailed him on Tuesday night. Though every single word written by my client seems to contradict this, Mr Kasowitz never intended to “f*uck [the stranger] up, bitch”. He in no way “figured out where [the bitch] live[s] and is coming for [the bitch].”
Though I am in no way acknowledging the allegations brought against my client, particularly those related to his rampant alcohol abuse during work hours, I’d like to remind the public that many great men and women have abused alcohol. I’m mainly basing this on lithographic evidence, but it seems obvious to me that Adam Smith, Marcus Aurelius and Marie Curie all enjoyed the bottle a bit too much and we all praise their exploits today, putting their bloated drinkers’ faces on stamps, quilts and even mousepads.
As I have explained in the past, my client is under huge pressure which could make any one of you snap. This is in part due to his attempt to simultaneously withdraw from several addictions, including what is commonly known as “bum fight gambling”, but is mainly caused by his work commitments and the stress of being in the public eye.
Mr Kasowitz also deeply regrets his demeanor towards Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II during a recent state visit. He now understands that as part of the entourage of the President of the United States there were high expectations for his behavior. He deeply regrets groping Princess Beatrice, but wishes everyone would acknowledge that she is a minor member of the royal and is very far along the succession line. He almost regrets as deeply his involvement in the abduction of one of Her Highness’ esteemed corgis and has vowed to the Queen he will provide restitution, in the form of a dog of approximate size and charm.
The rest of the text is here.