The question on everyone’s mind today is “Who are the milk people?”
[Referring to refugees,] “I hate taking these people,” Trump said. “I guarantee you they are bad. That is why they are in prison right now. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people” […]. — Washington Post, Aug. 3, 2017
For those who don’t know, the milk people are currently one of the biggest employers in Colorado, Nevada and areas of Connecticut. This may sound like a good thing, but milk people are notorious for their discriminatory labor practices, insisting on only employing other milk people. Paired with the fact that they are also really good at winning government contracts, we’re left with far less jobs for human-Americans, which is what we’re all about.
Milk people benefit from having grown up in low gravity on-board Chinese space stations the media “forgets” to tell us about. Their bone-density is so low that their body is liquid, allowing them to shape-shift at will. This gives them an undeniable competitive advantage at pitch meetings where they can make themselves irresistibly alluring, adopting as needed the form of Rihanna, any Hemsworth brother, a chocolate donut with sprinkles, or unbeatable savings.
We ask that President Trump, instead of flattering his local milk people, realize the curdling threat they pose to the American workers. We know on which side our bread is buttered. Yes, it’s not their fault they’re a superior species that also happens to be technologically skilled. And yes, I may be lactose intolerant, but damn it if this great country is just going to let some random new species skim our economy in this way.
And to all those liberals there ready to cry for spilt milk people, let me tell you that we don’t know what threat these people represent for our survival as a species: it’s always just a matter of time before the milk goes bad.
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Milk puns in the comment are very welcome. If you enjoyed this you might also like some of my other pieces, I have more on Medium. These seemed to be popular: