Have you ever noticed that Republicans tend to lean on the constitution like a crutch, much in the same way that Tiny Tim used to before Scrooge got his shit together? But the Republicans are very picky about the constitutional “wood” that they use to craft their crutch.
There are two basic interpretations of the constitution. There are those that believe that the constitution was meant by the founding fathers to be a “living document,” adaptable to the circumstances that the years and changes in living conditions of modern life bring. And there are the “strict” constitutional adherents, who believe that the founding fathers meant exactly what they quilled, end of story. Most Republicans tend to fall into that latter category, simply because of the fact that leaving the country in the late 1700’s tends to benefit those who made a ton of cash under those rules.
Normally, I’m a “living document” kind of guy. I like to think that a bunch of dudes brave enough to not only tell King George to stick his tea where the sun don’t shine, but radical enough to wear ponytails without bell bottom denim were hip enough to realize that the basic operating system may require the occasional upgrade.
But the Republicans insist on strict adherence to the constitution as it was originally written, right down to the coffee stains in the corner from where Button Gwinnett got careless with his cup when he signed the thing. Fine by me, let’s go for it! The constitution says that every citizen has the right to keep and bear arms. Kewl, I’m down with that. But if you’re gonna be BDSM Dom strict in your interpretation, then dammit, be strict. Way back in 1776 “arms” were single shot, lead ball muskets. Therefore, every US citizen has the inalienable right to as goddamn many muskets and flintlock pistols that he can lug around. Police officers and members of the military are not only citizens, they are soldiers and law enforcement, they can have access to all of the really bitchin’ toys that cause such widespread mass destruction. But for all the rest of y’all patriots, keep your powder dry. Remember, native Americans killed buffalo with sharp rocks tied to the end of sticks, and an elk went down just a good from a lead ball as from an AR-15 round, so don’t give me any of that “we need ‘em for hunting” shit. And I’m pretty damn sure that violent crime statistics were lower back in the 1780’s than they are today, so don’t start the whining about self defense. After all, the burglar is gonna take at least 20 seconds to reload after his misses that first shot too.
So, there ya go. While I personally like the constitution to be flexible enough to read “all men are created equal” to mean even those with mammaries and no Johnson, I can go with the occasional strict interpretation, just as long as it’s strict to its logical conclusion.
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