So there is an exercise I’d love to do with the members of congress to help them understand why people don’t report sexual abuse and sexual assault. As a survivor (read my story here) www.dailykos.com/ and advocate for survivors of childhood Sexual trauma, I’ve been obsessing about running this exercise in front of congress. We used to do this awareness exercise with medical professionals who would be administering rape kits in the ER. We would have a class of 20 or so medical professionals. But for fun, let’s imagine it’s congress.
Imagine everyone in their seats and standing in front of them. Here is when I invite all the readers of this diary to join me in this exercise as well. First part of the exercise is to pair up with someone. In congress I’d as them to pair up with the person on the right. If you are at home or work, imagine who you would pair up with? Which family member or co worker would you choose to do this empathy exercise with? Now, imagine all those congress critters paired up with their colleagues.
Then I would give them an exercise like “list 3 reasons why you think survivors of sexual trauma don’t report it?” We would then encourage them and readers to share the reasons with the person you chose. At home, this would be someone you likely know well. At work, if you are following along from work, might be someone you know well or maybe only superficially. In congress they would know each other, some more close than others. Next notice how the exercise makes you feel. Any anxiety or fears as you share with them about your theories? What do you notice?
Now, for the next phase. Imagine the absolute best sex you’ve ever had. Think about the situation, the person, what you said, what you did. Imagine with all your senses that amazing sexual experience. Think about what made it so special? The moves, the kisses. What was the best part? How did it feel? What under wear were you wearing? Clothing? How were you sitting or lying down? What positions felt good? What was the sexiest thing about it? Notice how it feels as you think about it? Exciting? Or what do you feel as you think about it? What do you notice??
Now, the next part of the exercise is to turn to your partner, at work, or at home or in congress and share your best sexual experience with your partner. Tell them all the details. Go do it for real right now, then come back and tell me how it went. Tic Tom. Hurry up. Who is in??
This is the point in which all those med students would start to mumble and then resist. Some would get angry. Others laughed nervously. And this is where I would stop them. I would then ask for feed back. What’s wrong? What’s happening? How are you feeling? They would usually be very pissed off that I even suggested the idea. Then, I would say: “A sexual trauma survivor has to tell that story over and over again if they report it.” That survivor has to tell about the most humiliating, disgusting frightening event of their life that is sexual in nature. If you felt uncomfortable about telling your partner the details of the best sex you’ve ever had, imagine how difficult it would be to discuss the worst in every detail to a complete stranger who might be contemptuous toward you, or even doubt your story.
Yes, we are afraid of being attacked and called a liar. But, in my case, I knew my parents would be sympathetic. And they were, but the truth of it was, I couldn't bring myself to speak the words out loud. I couldn’t talk about it because it made me sick to my stomach with shame. We all have varying degrees of shame around sex. That’s a shared experience. We give it lip service but until you hone in on how powerful that shame is, and notice that the action urge that goes with the emotion of shame is “to hide”, it’s hard to really understand how shame works against us in sharing it. We feel shame about good sex! But we don’t always realize it until we try to talk about it. Shame makes us want to hide it, even from ourselves. It feels gross to share it, for most of us. That’s the feeling of shame deep in your gut that you felt when I told you to share it with someone.
Then you you can add the fear of getting beat up verbally. I really would also love to do this exercise with the Morning Joe crew as well. Hearing Mika and the world invalidate how difficult this is without really any self awareness regarding their own reactions, is maddening. Mika can’t even hold hands on set without shame.
Anyway, if you played along, thank you! Hopefully, it helped you experience just a smidgeon of the real pain that comes from reporting an assault. You would tell a hospital nurse, a doc, an advocate, and a cop. It’s because you have to keep speaking in opposition to the shame. Can that be helpful?? Sure, but a survivor has already experienced one of the worst feelings of powerlessness and shame ever, and they are asked to tell their story over and over again in a powerless forum. Doc asks, nurse asks, counselor advocate asks. You want to say “NO!!!” , But once again, your “NO!” is ignored. “Sorry we really need to do this right now”. So if you report you have to push past shame. Be triggered by powerlessness AND expose your self to criticism. I could take the criticism but I could not stand to feel the shame of telling the story. At 12, I just could not do it, even though my parents were and would have been supportive. It had little to do with that. In my case, I knew if I just told people they would understand that he choked me to near black out. That I fought back. But talking about it at all, made me feel sick to stomach. This is why we don’t report.