I finally got the knitting bug back the past few weeks. I started and finished the hat in the title image, and I ripped back and fixed some socks I stalled on 11 months ago. They’re my first try at real colorwork, and I had gotten completely the wrong idea about stranding yarn, so I had stalled on the socks. Now it’s difficult to put them down, even though they take a lot of concentration.
Why am I writing this so late? I’m really hoping it isn’t noticed. But I guess I’m putting it here for the same reason people put letters in a bottle and threw it in the sea. You don’t expect or want an answer—you just want it out there, out of your reach. And anyway, I’ll bet that’s enough idle banter that this won’t be clicked on.
I’m awake because I’m cold. No central heat or running water, and the wood stove (if it were cleaned) doesn’t even boil water on it’s best days. My LHEAP appointment isn’t until next week, and I don’t know what will happen then.
I’m on all sorts of waiting lists for housing. Emergency, even. I called both my Congresspeople, and they both acted. One called my Governor’s office, and they called DHHS to get me moved up and put on waiting lists. That was July.
Found out last week that the extra-special fast emergency housing list I was put on? Yeah, that secretary forgot. So now we’re not sure if I’m on it for early July or late September.
I haven’t had heat or running water since the beginning of the year. I’ve lost 55lbs in that time. My doctors are started to ask, “Are you trying to lose weight? Do you want to be losing more weight? No? How do we get it to stop?” Well, my SNAP was cut. What can I say? It’s hard to cook with limited materials on a very strict diet (FODMAP) with no running water. Rice and chicken or eggs it is (and veggies).
I need a safe place to live. I need help fixing a stupid pipe on my car’s exhaust; I even have the parts. I’d love my computer to work again. To feel safe. To have enough medicine and food without worry. To have a safe home with running water and heat for me and my service dog.
I’ve done everything I can. My case manager keeps trying to find new things, but at this point it’s more: “I’ve found a new case manager with a much bigger area who may be able to help more.” It’s sit and wait time, as it has been for over a year.
Is it any wonder I can’t sleep?
Still thou art blest, compar'd wi' me
The present only toucheth thee:
But, Och! I backward cast my e'e.
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!
-Robert Burns
Edited to add: To the commenters, thanks for your sentiments. I’m not looking for help from the community. This is part of why I went dark so long—I posted something and someone started a fundraiser without asking and I’m still paying it back to SSI. I am in wait mode, but frustrated and scared.
There is nothing to do. I just have to wait. That’s okay. But in the wee sma’s of the night, sometimes that’s too much.