I’ve been homeless in several different ways since my TBI in 2010.
- I technically live in condemned housing, and spend time in a neighbor & friend’s house.
- I’ve lived in my car.
- I’ve been without a car and lived in a series of Domestic Violence shelters
- I was shuttled between DV shelters because there was no housing available, I had a service dog, and they had limits on how long you could stay.
- I spaced out my stays at DV shelters with house-sitting and stays with friends when the DV shelters had no place to put me.
- I’ve stayed at ‘normal’ shelters, where you can only stay the night. These aren’t very safe.
- I’ve couch-surfed.
- I’ve stayed in campgrounds (not a bad option in summer, really, especially in Maine where the showers are kept clean and are free in the state parks).
- I’ve lived in ‘long-term’ hotels, usually paid for by Town Assistance or the local shelter; sometimes I’ve paid for it, and it took all of my budget. On one rare, lovely occasion, someone here paid for 2 weeks (winter, and I had no car to fall back on). They’re actually pretty expensive, if you can’t work.
I’m homeless now. I’m not nearly as bad off as I’ve been in the past—my neighbors have been providing me with potted water to offset the lack of running water in the condemned house I’ve been living in, and I currently have full use of their bathroom, given that gravity plumbing is no longer an option (thanks, series of cold snaps!), as well as use of a bedroom when it’s too cold to stay in the house. It’s all cleared with my case manager.
But I wasn’t planning on being without a working car. It’s only until this Friday now (1 March 19), and I can deal with it, but going over to the house to do some work caused some pulled muscles and I couldn’t go to the pharmacy without asking for a ride, and I was embarrassed and didn’t want to ask until both people were home (due to on-time puppy surgery).
I feel like I can’t get medical procedures done, because that would be imposing on my friends. My wisdom teeth need to come out, but if it turns out to be a viable procedure, it will be from a hospital, and I’ve cared for people after a normal, complication-free wisdom-tooth extraction. How can I put the burden of what mine would be like on anyone but professionals?
If I had my own, safe, warm place, I could have just dealt with the pain by letting it out. But I couldn’t disturb my friends by crying, and I couldn’t add to the pain by keeping the wood stove running (subluxing my shoulders with every load of wood, the only source of heat).
Being homeless means putting others before yourself. Even when you know they understand and won’t kick you out; too many others have gone that route, you can’t risk it. Not without a working car; not in rural Maine.
My Amazon List is full of what I need to get to be ready to live in the car so I remember which things are most important. I need to add a real futon (air mattresses are too cold for winter), and maybe a winter sleeping bag, although I could just dry-clean my down comforter. I think that would be warm enough. But I have paid all the bills for the month for the house, and refunds don’t come immediately (the electricity stays on, of course).
I’m very thankful for all the friends who have helped me during my homelessness. There are so many. My neighbors are just the most recent. But it’s so hard to be a guest, to keep my service dog on point for most of the time, to always be pleasant, no matter how much pain I’m in and no matter how much I need a break. I’m so lucky my neighbors have a background of caring for people with chronic pain and aging (things that transfer easily to me). Neighbors who are friends, who do their best to understand. Who know that I sometimes need to go and take a ‘meta-moment’ for myself, and don’t take offense (as so many have).
I still have trouble believing them. I’m so grateful that they understand. I’ve lost so many people as friends since my car accident and as I’ve become more willing to show that I’m disabled, less willing to pretend.
I know that I’m prickly on the subject of homelessness right now. I’m stuck relying on other people, unable to make phone calls, unable to drive anywhere, and feeling completely helpless, no working computer, even though my case manager is doing everything possible and so are my local friends.
Homelessness and being on disability eats at the soul. I do everything I can to keep scraps of dignity alive, but it’s so very difficult. Not because of the people who are helping me, but because I simply don’t have my own safe space to be myself.
I can’t explain how important that is. I can’t deal with pain in my own, preferred way. I can’t rest when I need to, or stay in a warm area when I can’t sleep due to pain. I can’t watch my own shows or play my video games (my old XBox can’t be set up here). I can’t prepare meals in a way that would minimize my work load; my frozen goods must be stored in a condemned house (refrigerated goods are limited to eggs & soy cheese, but that’s not unusual), and the house doesn’t, and hasn’t, have real cooking facilities. There’s no space for my spinning, let alone processing fiber beyond that. I feel so very useless without any outlet to produce. But it’s not my place to clutter up someone else’s house.
I’m tired. I’m in pain. I’m so very stressed out. I know I’m only one in millions. I know that as far as things go, I’m actually pretty lucky. I count my blessings every day.
I still think about moving into my car, even in sub-zero wind-chills, just to get some real privacy. But that wouldn’t be fair to my service dog, nor to my friends. It would hurt them. It would hurt me, in the long run.
I’m stuck until or unless I get real housing. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way it is for a lot of us who are homeless or unsafely housed. It’s how it is for people who get stuck in unsafe relationships. The waiting lists are too long. If the banks would open up foreclosed housing, or just not foreclose on people, there’d be far fewer homeless or precariously-housed people.
A few states do Housing First. They’ve been very successful. I hope that this movement is picked up across the country. Until then, I wait until a space in the shelter opens up or a housing waiting list gets an opening. I’m on so many it takes up 3 folders.
My case manager and I are doing everything possible. I’m tired. I am doing everything possible with the tools I have.
This is only for educational purposes.
Thursday, Feb 28, 2019 · 6:06:23 PM +00:00
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LoreleiHI
My car has a new cold-start battery that I will pay for tomorrow (thank goodness for small-town purveyors, it was over $40 cheaper with several years more warranty), happily and correctly installed.
A non-Kossack friend is also giving me an old laptop, reset, to use until I can fix my MacBook Pro. Um. If anyone wants me to find out the current cost of fixing it, and wants to trade for a similar MacBook, I wouldn’t say no. I can easily provide the serial number.