Over the lunch hour today I listened to a program on Minnesota Public Radio about so called, “Snowplow Parenting”. The premise is that some parents clear all obstacles from the path of their children thus preventing them the learning opportunity called failure. One of the experts discussed the psychological damage done when parents do too much for their child. The other focused on the need of better self advocacy skills in young people. Okay, fine but this is what in years long past was lamented by E. Fuller Torrey when he said that the bulk of psychological and psychiatric resources were being used by the, “worried well”.
I’m a retired therapist. i specialized in what used to be called, “gifted children”. I was thrilled to have clients with parents who tried to do too much. Those kids were loved and their parents brought them to me because they wanted to be more effective as parents and had enough humility to admit they needed help. Another thing skipped over by the experts is that by a certain age parental influence drops off dramatically anyway. I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that, “sink or swim” parenting does not work and ruins the chance for a positive life long relationship. In fact the most important thing in the development of a child into a teen and into an adult is a positive relationship with everyone within the social system in which the young person resides.
The experts on today’s program and within the media at large are mistakenly referring to the parents in the college admissions scandal as “snowplow parents” in their assertion that these parents are doing too much to help their children. Most of the parents I met during my career were good people who at times had stumbled into phases where their parenting was less effective. These college admissions parents are not good people. They are cheaters and they are teaching their children to cheat. Having someone else take an ACT or misrepresenting ones background to gain admission isn’t over enthusiastic advocacy. It’s fraud. To quote my Congresswoman, “It’s all about the benjamins, baby”.
I’d also challenge the notion that young people are not doing a good enough job of self advocacy. To turn it around I’d say the children of the parents in the admissions scandal probably advocate for themselves just fine. That’s usually called entitlement behavior. No, the problem is the disrespect that adults and systems show towards young people. Many times they don’t speak up because they know nobody is listening. And the advantage that money creates is no surprise to anyone without it.
So I’m not worried that we are creating a psychologically weakened generation of young people because parents do to much for them. I’m worried that we are enabling more entitled cheaters to avoid consequences. Of course the ultimate example is the current resident of the White House. He didn’t get where he is because of the loving care of his parents. He got there because they cheated and taught him to do likewise.