I hesitate to share the following apology. What inspired me to write it bears little resemblance to what it means for me now. The same environment of insecurity roils my family, roils this community, roils the Democratic party, roils our nation, roils people of good intentions across the globe.
So forgive me for this preamble.
For those dedicated to repairing what we helped to break, it’s vitally important to be careful how we disembark. With humility...
Mea culpa.
When I apologized before, I meant it. When I said I didn’t understand or feel understood, that was the clearest I could be. When I couldn't let it go, it's because something about the misunderstanding seems to resonate with everything undermining the goals we share.
I tried to retrace my steps and realized it was my own failure from the start.
The very first time I responded, it was because you said you were uncertain. I am too. If I had made that clear first, everything that followed might have gone differently.
I know I feel trapped in a partisan stance, even among other partisans. I wanted to find a way to get beyond the defensiveness and contrariness that interferes with thoughtful conversation, here in this remote niche or between people that share common ground anywhere.
Few of us are in the habit of declaring that common ground. Few of us listen to it when we hear it, once we sense the contradictions.
I was upset when I first responded, and reached out to you because you seem like someone that would understand. You had every reason to be upset before you read a word.
I knew that much.
I didn’t anticipate the ripple effect of my failure to voice our agreement. I simultaneously tried to explain why I was upset, even as I attempted to acknowledge what made us both upset. Of course, you had other cause to be upset that I wasn’t willing to concede.
The divergence crowded out the common ground.
I still struggle with my own contradictions. How can I harbor both conviction and uncertainty?
Because I wasn’t thinking clearly, I set myself up to be misunderstood from the start. You couldn’t tell that I was listening because I kept asking you to listen to me.
I just wanted you to understand.
I think I’m closer to understanding.
I am sorry.