WASHINGTON DC (ME) — In what is being called the greatest calamity in modern medical history, the alleged wonder drug that was trumpeted as a multi-use curative, palliative, and vaccine has been determined as a “complete failure” with “massive, far-reaching, and calamitous side effects”. The drug, Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump, commonly known by its brand name Dearleader has proven wholly ineffective against the virus SARS-CoV-2 as well as the resulting illness, COVID-19. Worse, still-classified reports obtained by ME indicate Dearleader causes blindness, addiction, and paranoid delusions.
The aggressive rollout Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump has been plagued by often contentious debates within the FDA, CDC, DJIA, S&P, AP, and NBA since it was introduced in 2017. Proponents had hailed it as a miracle drug that was effective in combating everything from paranoia to hurt feelings — despite early reports that it made your breath smell like “orange ass”. When the ongoing coronavirus pandemic went worldwide, stalwart defenders of the failed drug insisted it, alone, could fix that, too, “like a miracle”.
Despite mounting reports of its calamitous social impact, President Trump, reached from his Toddler Play Pen Fun Area and momentarily pulled away from the desperately jiggled keys of aides, insisted “FAKE NEWS! Tremendous! Beautiful! Perfect! Me want TV! Governor Snake! Unfair! Sad!“ The White House later clarified his statement to indicate that prohibitions against eating Lo Mein would be limited to Mexican caravans of Muslim origins and would not apply to wealthy donors who texted 80085 to his campaign. Wall Street reacted by reaching into the money conflagration to pull out a mildly singed sawbuck from the thousands currently turned into billowing smoke.
However, the mild mid-day recovery was undone when Middle-East Peace Bringer, Immigration Czar, newly appointed Head of the Join Chiefs, and Surgeon General Jared Kushner announced that since he had already solved all the issues with his other 37 portfolios, he would be taking over the coronavirus task force and had already reached out to various despots via his horrifically compromised Whatsapp, as well as contacted Kim Kardashian and a select network of reality TV stars via a Facebook group to bring their considerable expertise to bear. Wall Street then decided to burn the last five dollar bill for warmth. A bewildered Vice-President Pence, who sources insisted remains at the head of the task force, said “I’m just here to remind you that yes, it could be even worse than me. Because it is.”
Kushner, the birth canal accident who somehow managed to marry down, has been criticized in recent years for being completely out of his depth. His wife, Other Senior White Advisor Ivanka Trump, immediately tweeted that people should just eat cake and suggested that they tell the purse designer they hire to provide something to slap a logo onto, that they should do a better job or find a new unpaid internship. In an effort to control the financial hemorrhaging, Treasurer Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that he would coordinating with Secretary of Defense Mark Esper to have the Navy purchase 10,000 of those really great gilded pendants from the Ivanka! line. Experts question the value of the pendants as substitute ventilators.
In Congress, “Moscow” Mitch McConnell, flanked by “Leningrad” Lindsay Graham and “Rostov” Ron Johnson announced that the Senate would immediately form a special investigative committee to determine how best to pretend the crisis was all because of Hunter Biden and determine the extent of George Soros’ culpability. Maine Senator Susan Collins, viewed as a bellwether of moderate Republicans in the Senate, announced that she would de-furrow her brow in solidarity. Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina, nominally the head of the Senate Intelligence Committee that would likely lead such an investigation, was unavailable for comment as he was occupied briefing donors on emerging insider trading opportunities.
Across the aisle, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced that the nation’s strategic stockpile of IToldYouSo’s were more than ample to address the crisis and pleaded with the nation to “just try to survive 9 more months”.
While the consensus builds that Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump has been disastrous, some experts remained unconvinced the drug has failed. Dr. Sean Hannity, a noted Tongue, Nose, and Ass specialist, insisted that Dearleader remained a useful tool in combating the pandemic, “Studies have clearly shown that Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump allows individuals to just forget what they said yesterday, last week, or last year. To deny the usefulness of this effect when we are faced with the potential apocalypse of the whole carnival collapsing is just plain irresponsible.” Larry Kudlow, famed for costing cable-watching idiots billions in 2008, agreed, saying “I’ve already forgotten everything I said about Keynesian economics in 2009 and now I’m just worried that I will run out of ink before we are done signing blank checks. All hail Dearleader.”
The President’s reelection campaign has responded to the crisis with a call for national unity, citing Trump’s statements urging the nation to rally around blaming other countries, Democratic governors, Democratic congressmen and their districts, and Republicans who have dared criticize him. Campaign chairman Brad Parscale told reporters “This is not a time for politics that hold the President accountable. In such troubled times, we need to all pull together and ensure that we all, in a unified voice, scapegoat potential opponents, journalists, nations, scientists, doctors, former cabinet secretaries, states, congressional districts, cities, and anyone else who is not taking their recommended dose of Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump every day.”
A former CDC official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that we need to talk more quietly or she might be sent to the hole or worse, forced to work on Melania’s White House tennis court. Via a cryptogram, she added “Yes, we are truly, truly, truly fucked. Duetotheleadershipofpresidenttrump has proven to be highly addictive, leading users to radically alter their behavior based on whatever that fucking idiot said two minutes ago… and what he said two minutes ago is literally akin to taking a lot of acid and being locked in a room with a laser pointer and 1st grade reading primers.”
The mayor of a city that wished to remain anonymous out of fear of being nuked indicated that roving gangs of frothy-mouthed red hatters were beyond the control of local police, licking door knobs at will to “own the libtards” and demanding their hands be shaken. “To be honest, we no longer have the resources to bring this under control. The federal government says we can only expect a limited supply of Trump w[h]ine for which to just get drunk watching West Wing reruns on Netflix and dream of a world not so screwed. Our local health officials have determined it tastes like piss and doesn’t really even do the job.”