Well, in lafosner’s diary The hidden cost of being a woman: The Plumber the answer, so far, is at least one dozen men eager to assure lafosner that:
It’s not just a lady problem. Fuck.
I am a cis-male. I too have been ripped off, deceived. ignored and poorly served by contractors, mechanics, physicians and more. My experience of being ripped off, deceived, ignored and poorly served is qualitatively different from the experience women (and BIPOC) have because of the inherent authority and power our culture grants me for simply having been born with an outie rather than an innie. My ability to compel the contractor, mechanic, physician and others to fix the problem is greater than that of women.
In the comments thread to lafosner’s diary many women commented to identify with lafosner’s experience and to relate their own stories. The common threads of their comments include:
- A feeling of being ignored or dismissed from the beginning
- their explicitly stated instructions were not followed
- attempts to get redress were often ignored or rebuffed
It’s striking that when women discuss their experience with sexual assault and rape the exact same three points above are central to women’s experiences there also.
Maybe, just maybe, us guys should try ACTIVELY LISTENING TO WOMEN without planning our rebuttal when women tell us these experiences are a systemic problem for women.
Let me be clear: I am not some kind of feminist saint, born with immaculate knowledge of women’s experiences. Rather, I am a very privileged male who is gradually learning to do better. And I would like to relate a recent experience which fundamentally changed my response when I hear women tell stories of being ignored, discounted, their wishes shunted aside and attempts to get redress dismissed.
In 2019 my girlfriend - a former athlete (now disabled), Masters in Accounting, model, entrepreneur — started to suffer severe abdominal pain. We raced to the ER, had a sonogram and CT scan done (there was a thought it might have been related to a recent automobile accident). Nothing showed. She was sent home with opiates — which did NOTHING.
My girlfriend followed up with her primary care doctor. Nothing in labwork.
At her next menstrual cycle she was in agony and there was unusual discharge. Back to the ER to repeat the whole cycle. But this time the attending physician suggested it might be psychosomatic — you know, all in her head.
More opiates. No pain relief.
Gynecologist appointment (male doc - he took her insurance and had an appointment that week rather than three months out, beggars can’t be choosers). He in forms my girlfriend that he doubts the issue is gynecological and suggests pain management.
Next menstrual cycle: agony. She can hardly inhale, the pain is so intense. Back to the ER to rinse and repeat — this time with the added suggestion that she is med seeking.
We get into a gynecologist at UT Southwestern Medical Center, again, a guy. When he palpitates her abdomen I watch my girlfriend come out of the seat in agony and this bastard, ignoring the woman in agony under his hands, looks over at ME and says:
“YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL IN HER HEAD, DON’T YOU?”
And that’s when I suddenly understood exactly how violent casual misogyny really is. It’s one thing to intellectually know that women are dismissed, discounted and ignored. It was a whole fucking different experience to see the woman I love in agony and have that smug asshole tell me she was imagining everything.
And I am ashamed it took that much pain for me to finally fucking GET IT.
Please, learn from my stupidity and do better before someone you love goes through the nightmare my girlfriend did.
Oh, by the way?
The third gynecologist, Dr. Winfred Parnell, an incredibly compassionate man, performed a laparoscopic procedure on my girlfriend and removed the 3 CENTIMETER — not millimeter, centimeter, cyst that lay flat and folded on the surface of the left ovary, undetected by 3 sonograms, 2 CT scans and one MRI.
AND the 2.5 inch benign (thank G-d) polyp growing in her uterus.
But remember: It was all in her head, right?
So yeah, I get it. The men in the comments have been ripped off also. But they probably have not been physically intimidated by a contractor such that you take the loss simply so they would not return to your home. They don’t worry about physical or sexual assault if you confront them. When men call the headquarters of companies these contractors work for, the companies don’t simply ignore them completely.
Men have more institutional and cultural power than women. And when women tell us this is the case we have a choice:
- We can rebut what they say and insist gender isn’t a part of the equation OR
- We can LISTEN AND LEARN and make sure that we don’t ignore or dismiss women and when appropriate, support women so that they are not ignored or dismissed.
I’m going to listen.