Season 1, Episode 1: "Children of a Loser God"
Voiceover: “And now we take you to luxurious Mar-a-Lardo, where the scions of former one-term President Donald Trump are relaxing and discussing what the future holds for them and their loved ones...”
Scene 1: A tasteless interior at Mar-a-Lardo, early 2022
Eric: I’m not taking the fall for this all by myself! if I go to prison, I’m taking Donny down with me!
Don Jr: (snort, sniffle, twitch) If you rat me out, you little shit, I’m taking YOU down with ME. … Ivanka too. God-damn Princess Twinkle-Twat, always on Daddy’s lap! Little Miss Perfect. (does a bump of coke)
Eric: I NEVER got to sit on Daddy’s lap. Not once! (sobs broken-heartedly) Fuck you all.
Ivanka: You morons think I LIKED sitting on Dad’s disgusting lap? Be glad you didn’t have those horrible little hands groping YOU every day. (shudders) I had to let him, or he wouldn’t pay me my allowance.
Eric: Dad gave you an ALLOWANCE? (sobs) I never got one! (sobs more)
Don Jr: (does a hit of coke)
Ivanka: All this indictment shit coming down is Dad’s fault. I don’t see why any of us should go to prison for the old perv. I say we testify against him before he does it to us. With his dementia, he’ll never do time, and anyway, he’ll be dead pretty soon.
Eric: I hate you! I would NEVER, EVER go against our Dad. Never ever. (sob) I love Daddy. He made me the man I am. (sob)
Don Jr.: (twitch) Yuh, whatever. (swallows a handful of pills)
Ivanka: I promise you this, if either of you assholes screw me over, Jared will have you gutted like a trout. You can take that to the bank, Skeezy and Dopey.
Don Jr: (glassy-eyed, slurring his words) Fuck do I care, nobody but me really knows what’s going on. Melania murdered Mom, and the Deep State was in on it. Dad has brain rot but he’s still the greatest President who ever lived. Bigger than Washington or… … those other guys. … … Taft. He’s bigger than William Hoover Taft. Dad is WAY bigger than Taft … … fucking Deep Shtate … lizard guys… under the earth’s crust… they control all the… everything …fuck… (his head sags onto the table)
Enter Kimberley Guilfoyle in a flame-colored chiffon dress and Cha-Cha heels.
Kimberley: (screaming) WHY THE LONG FACES? PUT SOME MUSIC ON! (loud music plays) HEY LOVERBOY, LET’S DANCE! COME ON, BABY, ARRIBA, ARRIBA!! (She whaps Don Jr. on the back of the head. He slides slowly out of his chair and onto the floor.)
…
Don Jr.: … tentacles… oh.
(Kimberley struts around him, whooping and gyrating her torso frenziedly. No one pays her any attention.)
The door bangs open. Enter Melania Trump, in a rage.
Melania: Shot up thees focking noise! I’m having Transylvanian Meditation class, you eediots! Quiet! Shot the fock opp! Gettout! Theez MY focking house!
Ivanka: What, your pool boy teaches meditation now?
Don Jr: (waking up) It’s Dad’s house, you choozeling flizzy … floozeling chizzy …uh … fizzling choozy!
Ivanka: Chiseling floozy is right, you …you … Slobbovian hag! That’s right, stick your wax lips out some more.
Kimberley: (still gyrating) WHY DONT’CHA LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU IMMIGRANT? OR JUST GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!
Eric: That’s right! Taking jobs away from decent white Americans!
Melania: Asshole, no decent American EVER want MY focking job! I rather wash pig guts in Golobinjek!
Kimberley: Hey, ‘wayla, your hubby felt me up again last night! When’s the last time he groped your saggy old balcón? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! (pirouettes)
Melania: I call Secret Police on you! I call Homeless Security! On all of you focks! (Slams out of the room)
(A short break for 18 commercials)
Scene 2: The master bedroom of the Kushners’ palatial Florida home
Ivanka Kushner is looking over her shoulder into a mirror, trying to see her rear end.
Enter Jared Kushner.
Ivanka: Sweetie, does this dress make my ass look big?
Jared: You ask me that about every rag you put on, jeeze! (in a low voice) Listen, hon, I got our Venezuelan passports.
Ivanka: Venezuela? What do you mean, sweetie? You said, “If the shit comes down, we’re going to Saudi or the Emirates!”
Jared: A problem’s come up with that. We’re on a no-fly list. It’s basically a paperwork glitch; we just need to travel under different names.
We’re Jairo and Imelda Dragón de Comodo from Caracas, so brush up on your Spanish, honey. Teach the kids their new names, too.
Ivanka: What are they?
Jared: José, María, and Jesús.
Ivanka: But...we’re Jewish!
Jared: Not any more.
Voiceover: Tune in next week for Episode 2 of the continuing saga of the Young and the Tasteless on ... AS THE WORM TURNS …