Season 1, Episode 2: "Of Inhuman Bondage"
Voiceover: And now we return to beautiful Mar-a-Lardo, the lavishly-appointed residence and clip joint of former one-term president Donald J. Trump.
Scene 1: A caddy shack at the far edge of the Mar-a-Lardo putting green. Two Secret Service agents are talking shop while one of them uses the can.
Secret Service Agent Molloy: (groan) Fuck this shit detail. It’s playing hell with my bowels. Her Royal Highness won’t let me use the goddamn toilets in her house, and this outhouse stinks to high heaven.
Secret Service Agent Mazurki: That harpy. I’d like to pitch ‘em all down the shithole and set fire to this God-cursed dump.
Molloy: They even charge us for toilet paper. (groan) Ten bucks a roll, you believe that?
Mazurki: Between the Cottonelle rip-off and these hordes of Asiatic tourists taking snapshots of everything marked Top Secret, I’m about ready to eat my gun.
Molloy: Why would Old MacLardo need 22 boxes of missile plans? And shots of some French guy in his underwear? Feeding a goose, can you beat that?
Mazurki: I’m starting to think we should notify somebody at DOD. But then, they always blame the messenger … so fuck it.
Scene 2: Inside the Trump quarters at Mar-a-Lardo. Zoom in on a brass door-plate: “The Imperial Presidential Office and Throne Room of the Once and Future President Donald J. Trump”
Inside, Ivanka and Jared Kushner are rifling a desk.
Ivanka: I can’t believe Dad didn’t make a new will after Donny shot Lindsey Graham. It MUST be in here.
Jared: (throwing stuff out of a drawer) McDonald’s wrapper, McDonald’s wrapper, McDonald’s wrapper, pee-porn mag, McDonald’s wrapper, guided missile specs, McDonald’s wrapper…. Hon, aren’t these your underwear?
Ivanka: Eeww. The pervert.
Jared: Oh, shit, look at that. (holds up an empty coke bag)
Ivanka: Junior’s been here already! The weasel.
Jared: Damn. I thought he was in jail.
Ivanka: He was. Our judge released him because Donny didn’t know it was illegal to shoot the servants.
Jared: It shouldn’t be. What do we pay them for?
Ivanka: These nuclear plans … Couldn’t you get some money from the Saudis for these?
Jared: Nah, I sold ‘em that stuff years ago.
Brief break for 20 commercials
Scene 3: We take you now to the 18th hole of the spectacular Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, only five minutes away from glamorous, fabled Mar-a-Lardo…
Senator Lindsey Graham, his heavily bandaged arm in a sling, is carrying two golf bags and a case of Diet Coke.
One-term ex-President Donald Trump is lining up a putt.
Senator Graham: Superb form, Mr. President. You’ve got this. Sink that bitch.
Trump: You’re in my light, Linds, move your ass.
Graham: (moving) Gasp! Ack! No, it’s nothing, sir, a small-caliber wound hardly hurts at all.
Trump butchers the putt, then craftily nudges the ball into the hole with his foot.
Trump: I WIN AGAIN! You’re kinda off your game, Lindsey. But I would’a won anyway. I always win. … Well, that’s enough winning, for now.
Trump heaves his bulk into the golf cart. Since his massive form completely engulfs the cart, Senator Graham stumbles along behind it carrying all the gear.
Trump: You know, I'm the most successful golfer to ever play this course. Nobody's ever been more successful at golf than me. I'm the greatest golfer ever to play golf. Did you know that?
Graham: (panting) You’re awe-inspiring, Mr. President. I’m … (gasp) ... I’m ... breathless. (he collapses onto the turf.)
Trump: (looking around) Where’d my caddy go?
Trump puts the cart in reverse and backs it over Senator Graham.
Voiceover: Tune in again for more of the continuing saga of Mar-a-Lardo and America’s zaniest crime family on … AS THE WORM TURNS.
Next up: Episode 3: “The Fraudfather”
Episode 1: “Children of a Loser God”