The following is satire and only satire. This is taken from a social media page that I helped put together called The Scallion (See what I did there!) that parodies local politicians and political events in my town. You don’t need to know who it references, it’s generic enough for everyone to hopefully appreciate without any local knowledge, as all names and locations have been changed or made up to protect the innocent, and not so innocent, regardless.
I figured that we all deserved a break from so much serious crap going on in the world. However, if this is inappropriate or out of place in any way for this site, I will gladly take it down, no hard feelings. If everyone is ok with it, then sit back and enjoy. And if you don’t think it’s funny, well, that’s the biggest crime of all and accept my sincerest apologies.
SCANDAL ROCKS COUNTY COMMISSION CHAIR
In what could possibly be a career ending revelation, Doogle County Commission Chair Tolbert Coinflip has been revealed to be a menacing clown in his off hours. Video footage of Mr. Coinflip has been obtained by the editorial staff of the Scallion that shows the Commission Chair lurking near and taunting various residents at a local convenience store on Unworthy Road while fully dressed as a circus clown. Positive identification of Mr. Coinflip has come from numerous sources, including one anonymous source that claims to have accompanied the Commission Chair on previous clowning escapades.
The source, who declined to give his real name, but who is known as Rumple Butterwhoops in the clowning community, told the Scallion that the clowning world tends to be rather tight knit, but that Mr. Coinflip, whose clown name is Wee Wee Pumpkin Smiles, has been crossing the line in recent weeks regarding clown behavior.
"We don't normally rat on our own," said Mr. Butterwhoops, "but Wee Wee has been out of control lately. I don't know what has set him off. Instead of jumping up and down and making silly, goofy faces, he just glares at you. Sometimes, instead of throwing confetti water on people, he'd throw real water. I can tell you one thing for sure, folks don't find that funny. Clowns are supposed to bring joy and happiness to people, not fear and paranoia."
When contacted for comment, the Commission Chair confirmed that he was indeed, a semi-professional clown in his off hours and admitted to the indiscretions captured in the video. Shortly after we contacted him, Coinflip put out an official statement that read as follows: "While I readily admit to being a clown during my private time, and that I have on occasion, frightened a few people acting in my capacity as a performing clown, any menacing behavior that may be attributed to me was brought on by the egging on and antagonism of the people for whom I was performing. I did not in any way, initiate a sinister environment during my clowning. There are just some people who don't appreciate clowns."
Coinflip, who has been Commission Chair for the past eight years, and who was a State Representative for three terms prior to that, has for the most part, avoided controversy throughout a very accomplished public service career. With his re-election prospects now vastly diminished, Wee Wee, or rather Mr. Coinflip, must now scramble to rebuild the trust that he has lost with the community, perhaps one smile at a time.