Season 1, Episode 7: “Dankness at Noon”
(This episode is #7 of a series; see below for links)
Voiceover (Orson Welles voice): Mar-a-Lardo! The crassest monument a man has built to himself! Since Tuesday, a strange pall has fallen over the world’s most meretricious McMansion.
Yes, Mar-a-Lardo, or as some have called it, El Rancho RICO— that chateau of cheesiness, that sanctum of sleaze, that Kasbah of kitsch, whose pretentious palisades pollute the precincts of the Sunshine State, now lies sweltering under a dank layer of … SLIME!
Strange rumors abound about the slime and its connection to the disappearance of at least 30 people on the night of September the 5th. Uninformed speculation has been running wild on the internet message boards and blogs. Therefore let us turn to an established, trusted news network to get a more balanced picture of these terrible events…
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Scene 1: “You are watching BSNN—the honest and impartial news network you can trust to bring you the real story, the true story, and absolutely not a rank potpourri of crackpot rumors, far-right propaganda, and the fascist opinions of its corporate owners.”
Anchorman Brooks Brothels: Here at BSNN we are working overtime to bring you the real story behind the puzzling and tragic events that took place at Mar-a-Lardo on September the 5th.
Thankfully, former president Donald Trump was in a safe place at the time and is still with us. But our sincere thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by this tragedy. BSNN’s own Pat Peroxide, our intrepid reporter at the scene, is no longer reporting and it is feared she is now among the missing.
Theories and speculations are rampant all over the Internet, and we ask our viewers not to spread irresponsible rumors or unverified claims.
Vanella Bland is here with me, and our guest is Darla Bonkers, a fervent Trump supporter and eyewitness, who miraculously survived the tidal wave of slime and the alleged monstrosity that caused it.
Brooks: Darla, thanks for being here.
Bonkers: Thanks for having me, Brooks. Yeah, well, I was trying to get a good shot of Hillary there by the gate! I always come UNHINGED in the presence of Evil, so I knew it was her all right.
Brooks: Several other witnesses have confirmed that Hillary Clinton was present at the scene, and some allege that she is the evil genius behind this incident. Go on, Darla.
Bonkers: So anyway, my Guardian Angel and the Holy Spirit were with me that night because I went up on a little knoll to get a better view when it all happened. Something rose up out of the Lagoon and dragged everybody away including two or three of my kids, but I escaped somehow. I knew then that my life was given back to me for a purpose, which is to destroy every one of President Trump’s enemi...
Brooks: (interrupting her) We understand you managed to take some cellphone footage as you were fleeing the carnage. This exclusive footage has never been shown before, and can only be seen here, on BSNN.
Bonkers: Uhh… actually I posted it on Truth Social right after it happened.
Brooks. (Fake benign smile) Well, anyway, we’re going to show some of that “exclusive footage” now.
(Blurry cellphone footage is played, showing an indistinct dark mass approaching. Confused shouts and screams in the background. The picture tumbles around wildly for a few seconds, then goes dark.)
Brooks: That’s incredible.
Vanella: So incredible.
Brooks: So, what do you feel it was that you witnessed, Darla?
Bonkers: It was the Beast in the Book of Revelation. No, wait, I think it was the Anti-Christ. But anyways, it means we are in the end-times now, and all you people out there better accept Donald Trump as your Personal Savior, OR YOU’RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING HELL!!!
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Scene 2: The office of Florida Governor Ron DeSunktis. The Governor is on the phone with Guillermo Martinez, a former Mar-a-Lardo grounds worker just promoted to Chief Operations Manager after the mass resignation of most of the staff.
Governor DeSunktis: You can tell your boss, no way in hell am I going to declare Mar-a-Lardo a disaster area and front all his clean-up costs! And if that grifter has the god-damn nerve to ask the State of Florida for ten million bucks, he can damn well call my office in person, not send some wetback pool boy! … Yeah, tell him that.
Martinez: You mean if he calls, you’ll do it? (under his breath) Asshole.
DeSunktis: Hell no! I just want to tell that fat loser to fuck off in person. (smirk)
Click!
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Scene 3: Back at Mar-a-Lardo, the twice-impeached, four-times-indicted, one-term ex-President Donald Trump is with his lawyers John Larva and Todd Blecch. While these two legal eagles confer, the indicted RICO conspirator continues to FIRE OFF CRAZED, VENGEFUL TWEETS IN ALL CAPS.
Trump: (Ranting while typing ) SO CALLED “GOVERNOR” RON DE SMACKED ASS SAYS HE DOESN’T GIVE A CRAP IF NATURAL DISASTERS “DESTROY” THE ENTIRE STATE OF FLORIDA!!! “RON” IS THE “WORST” GOVERNOR OF ALL TIME AND SHOULD BE IN “PRISON” NOT RUNNING FOR “PRESIDENT” WHICH IS A JOKE BECAUSE FLORIDA IS 100% BEHIND TRUMP, EVEN THE COLOREDS AND SPICKS ARE WITH ME. RON DE SUCK DICKS SHOULD BE ARRESTED AND IF A SNIPER “HAPPENS” TO GET HIM ON THE WAY TO “JAIL” TOO BAD FOR HIM. HIS “WIFE” SANDY IS A “HORRIBLE” PERSON A REAL UGLY SKANK (and so on and so on)
Larva: (to Blecch) Thank God you installed that app that censors all his tweets! I don’t know how much more of this craziness I can stand.
Blecch: I hear you, John. … God, what hit this place? Where did all this slime come from?
Larva: The lagoon, people are saying. Some kind of freak weather incident? Did he see it?
Blecch: Nah, he was in the can tweeting, I gather. Fortunately … … I guess.
Larva: Ahem, Mr. President …
Blecch: Uh, we have been advised by some attorney named Rickrack that your wife intends to serve you with divorce papers.
Trump: Bullshit. The bitch is dead—she’s buried out at my golf course!
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And so we take our leave ( for now) of stately, slime-encrusted Mar-a-Lago, now with added stench, where common sense, decency, and reality itself all go to die.
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Note: This is Episode 7 in the Mar-a-Lardo Soap Opera, As the Worm Turns. See links below for previous episodes:
Season 1, Episode 1: “Children of a Loser God”
Episode 2: "Of Inhuman Bondage"
Episode 3: “The Fraudfather”
Episode 4: “Labor Day at Mar-a-Lardo”
Episode 5: “Releasing the Kraken!”
Episode 6: “SLIME”