Season 1, Episode 8: “Terrible Towers”
Scene 1.
An office of the FBI ‘s Organized Crime Division. FBI Special Agents Jeff Justice and Harvey Hammer are with their division head, Hedley Head. The agents are explaining the hierarchy of a Russian mob to Division Head Head.
Justice: At the top is Ivan Despotenko, known as “Ivan the Terrible” in the outfit. Some associates refer to him as “Ivan the Terrible Slob,” but not to his face of course. Anyway, he’s plugged into to the Kremlin. Under him are the two captains Drugomir Traffikov and Gunnady Kalashnikov.
Hammer: We know two of Traffikov’s soldiers—Flogdan Brutalski and Viciouslav Malevolenko. We’ve seen some of their handiwork, and these are not nice people. We believe that Traffikov and these two enforcers are in the United States right now.
Justice: The Despotenko mob controls a major slice of the international drug trade, as well as money laundering, cybercrime, illegal arms, prostitution, and the Republican Party.
Hammer: We think these folks have the ex-president on the hook for at least eight hundred million, possibly a billion dollars. Most of Trump’s properties are held as security for these “loans.” The Russians own him, essentially.
Justice: It’s pretty certain these boys recently put a lot of money into renovating Mar-a-Lardo, and I’m talking millions. After that slime tornado or whatever it was.
Hammer: “The Kraken!” (chuckles)
Division Head Head: (chuckles) People make up crazy stuff… So who’s the babe? Hot.
Justice: Natasha Borisova. Her role is to compromise mob targets so they’ll play ball.
Head: Compromise how?
Justice: How do you think.
Head: (eagerly) Is she in the US too?
Hammer: She’s also a trained assassin.
Head: Oh... … Well! I like this schematic you’ve made—helpful.
Justice: Yeah. I saw one like it on The Sopranos.
………….
Scene 2:
Whoah! Look at YOU, Mar-a-Lardo! All spruced up and ready for your new landlords to move in! Ohmygod … it looks like they’ve already moved in.
Mobsters Flogdan Brutalski and Viciouslav Malevolenko are lounging in the Great Room, admiring their new neo-rococo décor, drinking high-end Russian vodka and eating Doritos and cheese dip.* They are enjoying a conversation with ex-FLOTUS Melania Trump.
Brutalsky: Excellent tasty cheese dip, have some, Melanya.
Melania: (faintly) That’s okay… I just ate...
Viciouslav: (eats, drinks)
Brutalsky: No worries, Melanyushka! We are not evicting Trump family from Mar-a-Lardo! We are just new live-in landlords and liking it here very much! No more slime, place smells okay now, yes?
Melania: … Uh-huh.
Viciouslav: (drinks, eats)
Brutalsky: We are having some new girlfriends moving in soon, all named Irina, maybe you know them. No? Oh, wait, you are much older than these girls… still … you are nice-looking lady, you know?
Melania: Thank you … I guess.
Viciouslav: (holds up empty dip bowl and looks inquiringly at Melania)
Melania: Juanita! Please bring more cheese dip for Mister … guy in leather jacket.
Brutalski: (to Viciouslav) You see? She is perfect hostess.
__________________
* The kind made in a crock-pot with Velveeta and Ro-tel Tomatoes and Green Chilies.
……….
Scene 3:
Meanwhile, back in Moscow, Ivan “the Terrible” Despotenko is on the phone with his capo Drugomir Traffikov in New York.
Ivan the Terrible: Well, how?
Traffikov: Everything is tickety-boo here, boss. I did what you ask for.
Ivan: Our friend has had accident? Good!
Traffikov: No, not that. I mean about High-Rise. It’s done.
Ivan: Oh, wonderful! I love having famous tower named after me, not that clown ass Donald Durak!
Traffikov: Here, boss, I’m sending you picture. (He texts a picture of a Manhattan high-rise with “Terrible Towers” spelled out in huge gold letters.)
…………
Note: I haven’t yet decided whether this episode will be the Series Finale or not. Maybe it should be, though I have hardly begun to tap the absurdity that is out there walking around and not in prison where it belongs, FFS. Let me know your opinion below.
This is Episode 8 in the Mar-a-Lardo Soap Opera, As the Worm Turns. See links below for previous episodes:
Season 1, Episode 1: “Children of a Loser God”
Episode 2: "Of Inhuman Bondage"
Episode 3: “The Fraudfather”
Episode 4: “Labor Day at Mar-a-Lardo”
Episode 5: “Releasing the Kraken!”
Episode 6: “SLIME”
Episode 7: “Dankness at Noon”
Disclaimer: This series is a work of fantasy fiction. Any resemblance to actual people and places is purely accidental, or is harmless satire. If, for example, the script describes an imaginary “Republican Party,” which is a malignant phalange of racists, fascists, traitors, imbeciles, con artists, and stooges bought and paid for with Russian money, please do not infer from such depiction any intent to impugn the “actual” Republican Party. The “Party of Lincoln” should have complete confidence that this light-hearted lampoonery only throws into higher relief the wisdom, integrity, and patriotism for which its leaders are ever wont to praise themselves.
The same is true for any fictional characters herein described, who bear names similar or identical to those of actual persons.