It’s Time for Common Sense Cutlery Reform!
There’s a guy in my neighborhood. A relic from the 1970s. During his twenties he worked in restaurants and hotels, mainly as a Chef. It was then that he acquired a wicked set of cooking knives, knives that are, quite frankly, really freaking scary. There are fourteen knives in his “collection.” Why does he need so many knives? Most people can get by with one knife in the kitchen and a small one at that. What makes him so special?
His collection includes a 12 inch French Knife made in Solengen, Germany of tempered, high carbon steel. (What we today call a Chef Knife used to be called a French Knife. I suppose that this changed when high end cutlery went from being a specialty item available only at restaurant supply houses to something sold in the mall. I mean, the knife seller wanted Joe Average to think of himself as a Chef, not a Frenchman.) Anyway, that thing is a freaking sword. Sure, he can go through a bag of onions in seconds but what is really scary is when he uses that monster to break down boxes. Nobody needs a knife like that. Let’s take away this knife. He can have a boxing knife to cut down boxes and he can chop onions with a six inch chef knife. No need for more than that as anyone can see. It’s just common sense!
He also has a R.H. Forschner Victorinox Scimitar with a ten inch blade. That thing is a butcher knife. You should see him cut steaks with it. But do we really need scimitars from Switzerland? You could chop down a tree with that thing. He’s not a butcher so why does he need to have a butcher knife? Let’s take it away from him. He can have that same 6 inch chef knife already discussed. It cuts steaks as well as this wicked scimitar. It’s just common sense!
He also has a Dexter slicing knife with a 12 inch blade. (Dexter is now Dexter Russel in case anyone is looking.) This thing will shave ham as thin as you please and parse a turkey breast in under a minute. But really, who slices their own ham nowadays. Better to just get it sliced at the supermarket using the big slicing machine. No reason for him to have a long scary knife. Let’s take it away from him, for his own safety and convenience. It’s just common sense!
He also has a Sabatier utility knife, four inch blade. Sabatier makes high carbon stainless steel knives in France. This knife is good for various things. So many things we have to wonder why he needs to have any other knives. Everybody else can make do with just one knife, a knife like this. Let’s take it away from him. It’s just common sense!
The worst knife he has isn’t a kitchen knife at all. It is a folding knife that he carries in his pocket. The folding knife has 3.5 inch blade and is wicked sharp. It is made to be opened quickly with just one hand. Why does he need to have a such a knife concealed in his pocket? What is he planning to do with it, mass murder? Let’s take this knife away from him. He can use his grandfather’s folding knife, the one he used to play baseball with when he was young. And don’t forget mumbly-peg. Wasn’t that fun? His pocket knife is big and scary and isn’t safe! It’s just common sense.
There’s no need for us to actually know anything about knives. We know that big scary knives aren’t safe. What if a child went into the knife drawer and got ahold of one of these things. Disaster! We need safe storage for knives. They should be in a locked cabinet and not laying in a drawer where anyone can get to them. And knife storage should be monitored by Law Enforcement. Again, it’s just common sense!