Listening to the reporting on Trump’s Catch-and-Kill Election Interference trial, I was reminded of a poem by Shel Silverstein, “The Dirtiest Man in the World.” When Donald started to complain about the courtroom temperature, it was too much to resist. I hope this reworking of Silverstein’s poem brings you a smile.
“Dirty Don”
Oh I’m Dirty Don, the world’s dirtiest con
I’ve never been held to account.
I can’t tell the truth—never have since my youth
And I cheat by a healthy amount.
.
But the courtroom is either a little too hot,
Or else it's a little too cold.
I’m stingy and cringy and sleepy and creepy
And crazy and just too damn old.
But the courtroom is always a little too hot,
Or else it's a little too cold.
.
To Putin I bow since he makes me say Wow
Like the Wow of the Gettysburg brawl.
He’s interesting and vicious, beautiful and delicious
Makes me swoon because he’s ten feet tall.
.
If you looked down my throat with a flashlight, you'd note
That my insides are coated with crazy.
I lurch when I walk and I lie when I talk,
I don’t think very hard ‘cause I’m lazy.
.
Did I mention the Judge with a very big grudge?
He will not let me speak, he’s a gagger!
Sitting still all day long—it’s incredibly wrong
And the jury he won’t let be MAGA!!!
.
And then there’s the gas that I frequently pass
In this horrible court while I doze
It’s the only relief that I get for my grief
And I smile because nobody knows.
.
Each evening at nine, I sit down to dine
With the Nazis that visit my club.
And I joke with no jest that I’m fittest and best
They all nod while they munch on my grub.
.
I wouldn’t hold a grudge if I found the right judge
But I fear that that never will be
Until I can find one who parrots my lies
With a beautiful face and a devious mind
Who conspires and cheats and who clearly connives
and who’s almost as dirty as me.