From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Continuing our series, 2006: 13 Months That Shook the Nation, C&J dives into the sizzling-hot third quarter of the year. Bush gets a finger-wagging from the courts and vetoes his first bill (against the wishes of the American people, naturally), big oil rakes in record profits during wartime, ABC rewrites 9/11 history, Bubba swats Fox, Lamont swats Lieberman. And let's not forget that Christmas came early this year:
"This fellow here over here with the yellow shirt, Macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great. We're going to places all over Virginia, and he's having it on film and it's great to have you here and you show it to your opponent because he's never been there and probably will never come. Let's give a welcome to Macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia."
Thank ya, Santa.
Your wayback machine awaits in There’s Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
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July, 2006
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CHEERS to popping the emperor's balloon. Last Thursday the Supreme Court confirmed that the "Bush Doctrine" of torture and secrecy isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. The Republican Congress---amid shouts of "He does too have clothes!"---has vowed to pass an emergency measure replacing the Constitution with a bucket of warm spit.
R.I.P. to Ken Lay. The Enron chief and close personal friend of George W. Bush died yesterday at 64 of a broken heart. Sorry I can't make it to the funeral. I have to eat or sleep or something.
JEERS to reality. Global warming is not a problem. Global warming is not a problem. Global warming is not a problem. Global warming could devastate U.S. wineries. Global warming is a problem! Global warming is a problem!
CHEERS to a woman scorned. Valerie "Plame" Wilson is suing Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for ruining her career, thus robbing her of matching 401k contributions and health insurance. Yeah, you and about 30 million other Americans. Back `o the line, lady.
JEERS to The Decider Hider. President Bush has always said he has nothing to hide and that he "welcomes" "the discussion" about his warrantless domestic surveillance program. So it's curious that yesterday Attorney General Alberto Gonzales admitted that Bush personally slammed the breaks on an internal investigation of the program. Reason: he's at war. With us.
JEERS to wasting your first bullet. President Bush vetoed his first bill yesterday, thus making the world safe for patriotic, flag-wavin', tax-payin', mall-shoppin' American microscopic bits of goo. I hope Democrats can win in November without their vote.
CHEERS to America's fallen angel. You may now add the label "Big Loser" next to Ralph Reed's name. Last night He lost his bid for the powerful Lt. Governor's seat in Georgia. Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways...and sometimes she just uses common sense.
JEERS to executive-branch power grabs. The 410,000-member American Bar Association says the number of "signing statements" President Bush has attached to bills passed by Congress is "Out of order!!" ABA president Michael Greco says: "If left unchecked, the president's practice does grave harm to the separation of powers doctrine, and the system of checks and balances that have sustained our democracy for more than two centuries." To thank the organization for speaking up, C&J will refrain from lawyer jokes for the rest of the month.
JEERS to Dick Cheney's happy dance. Oil company profits have hit record highs again---Exxon ($10.3 Buh-illion), BP ($6.1 Buh-illion), and Royal Dutch Shell ($7.3 Buh-illion). You might be asking yourself: after making such an obscene amount of money during the difficult occupation of Iraq, do the oil giants plan to give some of it back? The answer is yes. This afternoon their caddies will get an extra (and extra-crisp) 20-dollar bill.
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August, 2006
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JEERS to wolf legislation in sheep's clothing. Last Friday, in the middle of the night, Republicans in the House "passed" a bill that would raise the minimum wage. Of course it also contained a "poison pill" that would give tax breaks to millionaires like Bill Frist and Joe Lieberman by abolishing the estate tax. "This makes arsenic look like Milk of Magnesia," says the American Enterprise Institute's Norm Ornstein. Thanks to brazen stunts like this, we have a hunch the GOoPers'll be suckin' down Prilosec like candy come November.
CHEERS to throwing the bums out. Good morning, Kansas! Don't ya just love the smell of reality-based book learnin' in the morning...
Conservative Republicans who brought international attention to Kansas by approving academic standards calling evolution into question lost control of the state school board in primaries. As a result of the vote, board members and candidates who believe evolution is well-supported by evidence will have a 6-4 majority. Evolution skeptics had entered the election with a 6-4 majority. [...] The most closely watched race was in western Kansas, where incumbent conservative Connie Morris lost her GOP primary to Sally Cauble.
By the way, Connie Morris is the board member who said evolution was an "age-old fairy tale" and "a nice bedtime story" unsupported by science. Let's see, what are the words you say when a fairy tale or a bedtime story is over? Oh yeah... THE END.
CHEERS to the victor. Ned Lamont just beat Joe Lieberman in Connecticut's Democratic primary! One election down, one to go. Please send Ned vitamins---he needs his strength.
CHEERS to "The Kiss." That papier-mâché sculpture on the back of a truck almost single-handedly sucked the oxygen out of Lieberman's ground operation, and we say it deserves a place in the Smithsonian Institution. BUT...only after November 7th. Now we need some Montana volunteers to make one showing Conrad Burns screaming at firefighters. Anyone?
JEERS to red meat for Fox News. The U.S. and Britain are now at Terror Alert Level "Mommy!!!" as an apparent terrorist plot to blow up six-to-ten airliners is apparently thwarted. Officials say all liquids are now banned in the cabins of overseas flights. Great, just what a passenger riding on a potential time-bomb needs: an empty liquor cart.
JEERS to "Macaca Republicans." Led by Senator George Allen of Virginia, they see people who look different from them and---in 2006, mind you---feel comfortable calling them "monkeys" to their face while supporters lauuugh...and lauuugh...and lauuugh. (Teacherken has a roundup of press coverage here). I say...today we are all macacas. Now, whose turn is it to pick the fleas out of Allen's hair?
CHEERS to putting some starch in the Constitution's shorts. A judge struck down President Bush's warrantless wiretapping program yesterday. Rumor has it that George W. Bush threw his crown down so hard it ended up in Dick Cheney's bunker.
JEERS to John McCain. His solution for winning in Iraq: throw more troops into the blender. I'm sure all the young Republicans he commands will leap at the chance...to dive under their blankees.
CHEERS to Plan B. The FDA says it's okay to sell the "morning-after pill" without a prescription. I popped a few around 6 but I still have my hangover. Where are those damn directions...??
CHEERS to the diminishing power of the shrill. Brit Hume's jowls aren't the only things that are sagging at FOX News. The network's ratings are taking a dive, too. That's what happens when your core audience literally dies of old age.
JEERS to over-saturation. Knock me down with a feather---John Mark Karr didn't kill JonBenet Ramsey. Jon Stewart's words from last week resonate even louder now:
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Let me explain something to you about the algebra, if you will, of cable news:
Three-year war in Iraq is less than 30-day-old bombing of Lebanon which is less than Explosive Gatorade on a plane. All of which is chickenshit compared to a break in a 10-year-old murder case."
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But, of course, bloggers are the ones who need an ethics panel.
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September, 2006
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CHEERS to old-fashioned book learnin'. Big surprise: traditional public schools do a better job than charter schools (schools run by private entities and not subject to the same oversight as regular schools). That news according to the Department of Education, no doubt through gritted teeth as smoke poured out of their ears. 4th graders at traditional schools scored 5.2 points higher in reading and 5.8 points higher in math. But the charter school kids scored 50 points higher in begging their parents to let them go back to their old schools.
CHEERS and JEERS to the next 64 days. The good news: both the Washington Post and the New York Times agree that the Republicans may lose the House in November. The bad news: since they're cornered like rats on a sinking ship, the Republicans are going to be nastier than usual. Please donate time and/or money to the campaigns that need it...and count your children before you go to bed.
ATTAGIRL! to Katherine Harris. Facing opposition from two well known challengers, Whatsizface and Whatsizface, the Queen of "She Didn't Really Say/Do/Eat That, Did She?" pulled out a primary win with 49 percent of the vote. Her opponent, Democratic Senator Bill Nelson, was so thrilled he poured the champagne at her victory party.
JEERS to first impressions. Did you watch anchorwoman Katie Couric's first broadcast of the CBS Evening News last night? She wore white after Labor Day. I'da fired her on the spot.
JEERS to The Path to 9/11. Yes, it finally aired. Biggest losers: truth, accuracy, fairness. Biggest winner: the makers of zoom lenses (for the record, Harvey Keitel has 6,751 pores on his nose). And remember, kids, ABC now stands for Assimilated By Conservatives. Watch yer back, Fox.
AW, DAMMIT to early departures. Why does it always seems like the heroes among us die more often than the weaseljerks? Former Texas governor Ann Richards---whose reelection campaign was marred by Karl Rove's smear tactics ("Lesbian heretic!")---has died at 73. She mulled her epitaph in `95:
"I did not want my tombstone to read, 'She kept a really clean house.' I think I'd like them to remember me by saying, 'She opened government to everyone,'"
Consider it done.
JEERS to eating your greens. Health officials issued warning last night: DO NOT eat spinach from a bag because it could kill you. Details are still sketchy, but the CIA is confident that a few more hours of waterboarding will produce a full confession from Popeye.
CHEERS to the two most-eagerly-anticipated words on TV. When Countdown host Keith Olbermann announces that he'll be making a "Special Comment," you can count on two things: a strong (not to mention eloquent) dose of truth-to-power, and a sizable bump in his ratings. Emmy nominators take note!
CHEERS to Hurricane Bubba. It took an ex-president 15 minutes to do what the Democratic leadership has failed to do for the last six years: tell Fox News to go to hell in such a way that they almost thanked him for the directions. For that I'll kick in another billion to the Clinton Global Initiative. (Aw, damn...dog ate the checkbook. Bad Molly!)
CHEERS to hope in the heartland. A new NPR poll says our team is winning back rural Americans. Says RT at MyDD:
[W]e've all noticed that the Dems are suddenly competitive in a lot of fairly rural districts this year, and this [poll] opens up some insight as to why. It's not just the 50-state strategy---but the 50-state strategy puts Dem candidates in a much better position to take advantage of unexpected shifts in voter sentiment like this one.
Crazy Howard.
CHEERS to Monday night under the lights. Did you see that the Louisiana Superdome is back open for business? For the first time in over a year, a good time was had by all. Nice.
JEERS to The United Gulag of America. Everything we learned about what America stands for in first grade---most notably and justice for all---was sacrificed on the Republican altar of re-election yesterday, thanks to a "deal" between Bush and his lapdogs. Over to you, Stephen...
"We all know about the big dust-up between President Bush and the Senate leadership over his wanting to change the Geneva Conventions, right? Well, on Thursday, they reached a compromise. That's not just a victory for Bush, it's a victory for the country because basic human rights is something we all need to compromise on."
---Stephen Colbert
What else can we say? Heckuva job, Brownie.
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Tomorrow: October through 24 hours from now! Floor's Open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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