It's been nearly a month since we revealed the first Bippies, the 2009 BPI Awards for TV ads that were never made by companies that don't exist. Some might think it odd to give awards for fictional ads by fictional companies. But it makes perfect sense once you remember that Blogistan Politechnic Institute is a fictional university, even if our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth") is real Latin.
So today we turn from to the big screen and reveal our Bippies for movies that were not made last year. Please pass the not-popcorn....
Revealing More Bippies - The Movies
As we've no guest host this morning, it's a good day to flash our Bippies again. To review, the BPI Awards are a long and storied tradition here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute, dating back almost 30 years days. Last year's Bippies were awarded in an opulent ceremony at the Kodiak Theatre, but due to the economic downturn - and because the ceremony frightened the bears - the faculty, staff, and insurance agent reached an agreement with the SPCA, PETA, and the South Blogistan State Police, and we're revealing our Bippies online. The entire resident faculty voted, and the results were kept in an envelope at the bottom of Pootie the Precious' litter box until just minutes ago, so please pardon the aroma.
It's often said that Hollywood dumbs down events for the audience, but this year's Bippies show otherwise. Each of these films would have offered a unique insight on the complex dimensions of real world problems, if only anyone had bothered to make the movie. So without further adieu or revoir, the 2009 Bippy nominees for movies you didn't see:
+++++
The Legislator
Trailer script: In a world where power is everything, Senator Mack Tenn has learned a secret. As a bill creeps through the Senate, he must race through the corridors of power to protect the people, the woman he loves, his children, and his wife. Filibuster has a new name. Mack Tenn is ... The Legislator.
Director interview: I came to this movie thinking the American people really don't understand how laws are made, and I felt the best way to portray the full dimension of that process was through the metaphor of a car chase on Constitution Avenue.
+++++
Global Power
Trailer script: In a world dominated by corporations, French President Jacques Strappe is fighting back. Surrounded by mysteries wrapped in enigmas, the only person he can trust is a woman he barely knows. His enemies will stop at nothing, but this time the French won't surrender.
Director interview: Americans tend to be myopic. We don't pay much attention to the rest of the world and how corporations have become too big for governments to control, and that's hard to present on film. I thought audiences could understand it best through the image of a running gun battle on the Champs-Élysées.
+++++
Unholy War
Trailer script: In a world where men will kill in the name of god, CIA agent Dick Long is torn between his country and a woman he just met. Can life be as simple as love ... or is love as deadly as life itself. They can't run. They can't hide. Their only way to stop the war is to fight.
Director interview: Too many movies use the problems in the Middle East as a backdrop for gunfights and car chases. I wanted this film to be a character movie, so I worked with the screenwriter to have Dick and the girl have real conversations during the gunfights and car chases.
+++++
Fairer Sex
Trailer script: In a world where men must meet victory or death, only a woman can save him. Trained to fight from birth, Flaccides is a Spartan. But as the lone survivor at Thermopylae, he bears a burden no one can share. No one except a woman. The war may have ended, but it's not over.
Director interview: I've always thought movies trivialize women. They're either victims to be rescued, femmes fatale, or grandmothers. I wanted to do a period piece, but it's really an allegory about the role of women today. The sex scenes do that, I think, because that's when Flaccides really tells the girl about his feelings.
+++++
So those are the nominees. And the winner is ...
... Pootie Ball: A Love Story, the charming tale of a feline mascot and a sponge rubber--
Hrmm. We think someone switched the envelope. So who would you have voted for?