From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Sen. Jon Kyl: I Talk Like I'm Dumb
This morning I sat down with my Cheetos Cheerios and scotch orange juice to read some juicy nuggets from my copy of the April 8, 2011 Congressional Record. I especially couldn’t wait to come across the most awesome quote of that day, as thundered with gravitas by the junior senator from Arizona:
"If you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood and that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does!"
That was Republican Jon Kyl's statement of "fact" that an aide tried to walk back by insisting it "wasn't intended to be a factual statement." There was little anyone could do but point and laugh at the Arizona senator and his inartful staff.
But when I got to that line in my official copy of the Congressional Record, I dropped my sausage in my Harvey Wallbanger when I read this:
"If you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood and that is what Planned Parenthood does."
That sneaky bastard had grabbed the Wite-Out and changed what he said into something he didn’t say. In fact he made it even worse, because now it sounds like he's saying 100 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortions. Abortion is Planned Parenthood! Planned Parenthood is abortion! A = B therefore B = A! "That is what Planned Parenthood does!" What a fucking creep.
Hey, Senate Democrats, could you do America a favor when you go back in session? Someone please re-read your esteemed colleague's original "factual statement" back into the Congressional Record. You can even say you're doing it for legitimate "historical purposes." As in, to give history yet another reason to laugh Jon Kyl out of the room.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 25, 2011
Note: Whew---Earth Day was intense. I'm still drunk on earthiness.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Administrative professionals Day: 2
(Via Surfdog) Days `til A Taste of Pinnellas in St. Petersburg: 25
Percent increase in expected hiring of college graduates this year vs. Last year: 19.3%
(National Association of Colleges and Employers)
Percent of the fuel used in Amtrak's Heartland Flyer train that consists of rendered beef fat: 20%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent of rural U.S. counties that lost population, according to the latest census numbers: 46%
Percent of Americans in a Pew Research poll who say the Civil War was primarily about, respectively, states' rights and slavery: 48%, 38%
Pounds of garbage being cleaned up by mountaineers and a Sherpa guide on Mount Everest: 11,000
(Source: The Week)
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"Meet Me in Minnesota!"
Brought to you by the Netroots Nation '11 convention in Minneapolis June 16-19:
The Hiawatha Line is a 12.3 mi (19.8 km) light rail corridor…that extends from downtown Minneapolis to the southern suburb of Bloomington. Major connections on the line include the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, the Mall of America, the Metrodome and Target Field in downtown Minneapolis.
The line accounts for about 12% of Metro Transit's total ridership. Less than two years after opening, the line had already exceeded its 2020 weekday ridership goal of 24,800…reaching 35,500 daily boardings in the third quarter [of 2008].
The official Hiawatha site is here. Fare: $2.25 during rush hour, and $1.75 other times. Fine for riding without paying: $180. Taking your picture as you're getting busted for not paying and then uploading it to my Facebook page: Priceless.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meet the fire alarm that runs on Alpo power
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CHEERS to gabby Gabby. Haven't heard much lately about how Congresswoman Giffords is doing at the rehabilitation center in Houston, so it was nice to read this rather detailed update:
Her hair is short, maybe 2 inches long, says Pia Carusone, her chief of staff, so there are scars on her scalp that show through. Eventually, her hair will cover them. A thin scar across the top of her forehead is healing well and fading, and her face, though sometimes swollen, is otherwise the same as before, Carusone says.
Giffords speaks most often in a single word or declarative phrase: "love you," "awesome," even "get out" to doctors in her room at the end of a taxing day. She longs to leave the rehab center, repeating "I miss Tucson" and wheeling herself to the doors at the end of the hall to peer out. When that day comes, Giffords told her nurse, she plans to "walk a mountain." … The doctor overseeing her rehabilitation places her in the top 5 percent of patients recovering from this injury.
Husband Mark Kelly blasts off for the Space Station Friday afternoon in the shuttle Endeavor, and Gabby has officially been given the green light to attend the launch. Oh, by the way, doctors overseeing me put me in the top five percent, too. Of patients who require an extra padlock on the cell door.
CHEERS to high eggspectations. Today, perhaps more than any other day of the year, is the one where the White House really looks like the people's house. President and Mrs. Obama will host several thousand reg'lar folks at the annual Easter Egg Roll on the south lawn. This year, the child who finds the coveted "golden egg" wins the most expensive prize ever given out in the event's history: a free tank of gas.
CHEERS to genome sweet genome. On April 25, 1953, scientists identified DNA for the first time. Its appearance is described by the U.S. National Library of Medicine as "two long strands that form a spiral called a double helix." Or, as many wrongly-convicted prisoners have come to call it: a lifeline.
CHEERS to Royal Wedding FEVER!!! I'm not jumping up and down about it, but, yeah, I think it's cool that the world will stand still for a few hours Friday to watch a couple of shaggy-headed kids get hitched and embark on a crazy journey through thick and thin together. Besides, I've seen the guest list and I only have to words to say about it: Mr. Bean. With any luck, hilarity will ensue.
CHEERS to Kodak moments. 21 years ago today, the Hubble space telescope was placed into orbit by the crew of the shuttle Discovery. Click here to see the "Rose" the Hubble staff got us for the occasion. Democrats will see the wonder of an evolving universe and the promise of infinite possibilities. Republicans will see oil fields and Obama's birthplace.
JEERS to things that are still acceptable to say in polite company. Letter to the editor published last week in the Portland Press Herald:
Transgendered boys and girls are confusing everyone, and those facilities that have to offer restroom accommodations have been put in a legal quagmire and are vulnerable to all kinds of lawsuits. King Solomon would offer a solution to this problem. This solution would eliminate the need for the [Maine Civil Liberties Union] and expensive lawyers.
He would decree that those who have an Adam's apple would be sent to the men's room. All others would use the alternative. A little common sense and the problem is resolved.
I don't know what's worse: the letter itself (is that you writing under a pseudonym, Governor LePage?) or the fact that the paper published it. But anyway, what he just proposed, in the most insulting manner possible, is that men and women only use the men's room. Wow---I didn’t know King Solomon was such a swingin' guy.
CHEERS to great newsmen. Happy 102nd birthday to Polecat Creek, North Carolina's own Edward R. Murrow. He had more journalistic integrity in his pinky than the entire gaggle of misfits at Fox News, but chain-smoking snuffed out his life prematurely at 57. Hear excerpts of his W.W. II and McCarthy hearing reports here. Mold = broken. But hopefully Keith Olbermann's Special Comments and nightly "Good night and good luck" signoff will continue to keep Murrow's spirit alive at Current TV. (Still on track to debut next month…right? Right???)
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Five years ago in C&J: April 25, 2006
JEERS to roots of grass. From Tim Tagaris's take on the DNC's Spring Meeting in New Orleans:
We have every reason to be proud of the DNC this evening. The Party has come a long way in the last few months, and we have even more to build over the next few years. But one thing we know for sure, if you live in Wyoming or Ohio, Florida or Phoenix, Alaska or Alabama ... Democrats are fighting to win from the top of the ticket to the bottom. And that is something we can all get excited about as we approach the 2006 midterms.
Inside the D.C. beltway this morning, the insulated "business as usual" Democratic consultants are scurrying to their Atlases to look up Alabama, Wyoming and Alaska. (Hint: they're not in Europe.)
JEERS to Passthebuck Boy Lay. At his trial yesterday, the founder of Enron blamed the following for the company's collapse: 9/11, the media, pissy investors, his mother, global warming, a bear market, bears, "those darn kids," his barber, the Chronicles of Narnia, and undercooked fish. Not on the list: Ken Lay.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cool discoveries. Guess what they found on Mars? A massive reservoir of dry ice.
Previously, scientists had only found a couple hundred cubic kilometers of dry ice near Mars’s south pole. This new find increases Martian dry ice estimates by 30 times and “is about 80 percent of the current CO2 content of the entire atmosphere.”
When they heard the news, all the members of 80's big-hair metal bands immediately got together and started building a rocketship to Mars. Resistance was futile.
Okay, let's all hold hands and cross the week together. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
After some convoluted maneuvers, a Senate committee Wednesday approved a bill that will prohibit teachers from discussing Cheers and Jeers in kindergarten through eighth-grade classrooms.
---Tom Humphrey
Knoxville News Sentinel
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