When last seen, shallow Hollywood types Michael Peninsula and James Cavatar were lunching at the Poison Ivy on Gulf of Mexico shrimp and discussing their plans to make Oilpocalypse Now. Sadly, they had to ditch plans for an action movie upon realizing that they couldn't get Bruce Willis to save America from the disaster in the Gulf.
Your Intrepid Blogger caught up with them at An Exclusive Little Westside Bistro (slogan: "no, really, that's our name") to discuss their next movie. Below the fold, an exclusive little interview.
James Cavatar: "I'm the king of the world! See, I really wanted to make that movie, but "top hat" and "junk shot" worked better as TSA search techniques than action moves. Now, the House of Representatives does half our work!"
Michael Peninsula: "See, we know generally what led to that first spill (Your Intrepid Blogger thinks: "that first" spill?): a culture of greedy oil pushers fueling our addiction to oil, inadequate staff, and a rushed permitting process. Now, three House bills will enshrine that culture! More movies! Woo-hooo!" He pumps his fist in the air.
Cavatar says: "Hey, try some of this abalone. It's delicious. See, HR 1231 would guarantee drilling in Southern California! Right away, I started thinking about cuties in bikinis, not to mention lower production costs!"
"The genius, if I may call it that, of HR 1231 is that it calls for drilling to infinity! And beyond! Every time one parcel is leased, then half the unleased area in Southern California, the Arctic, and the Atlantic Seaboard be put up for lease sales each and every time the government puts outer continental shelf territory up for lease. States cannot opt out, and environmental issues are just gone, like magic! No more pussyfooting around with studies and environmental impacts! No more thought!"
To illustrate, Peninsula orders a Chesapeake crab pizza. "It's like this: the first time you look at my pizza, I eat half. The next time you look at it, I eat half of what's left. And then half of what's left over from that. Ands so on, and so on, until the tiniest little sliver isn't worth caring about. Oil drilling everywhere, as far as the eye can see!"
Cavatar offers me a bit of caribou jerky (the food, not the former governor). "Next, we have HR 1230, which requires the federal government to hold three leases per year, and bars courts from reviewing environmental impact studies. That's great for keeping scripts moving - nothing is more boring than waiting months for courts to decide things."
"And, speaking of keeping things moving, HR 1229 will require that all permit applications be reviewed within 30 days. No more federal government taking its sweet old time and asking questions. Everything to be rushed! Just like it was before the 2010 spill!"
Peninsula corrects him: "Actually, even better. The bill cuts off legal fees for environmental groups to sue and stacks the decks against them - again, shortening the courtroom time."
Your Intrepid Blogger is less impressed by these bills than Peninsula and Cavatar. I ask: "Who's bankrolling your movie? Exxon Mobil?"
Peninsula's face turns as pink as his shirt. Cavatar sputters. Finally, Peninsula chokes out: "A number of interested citizens, united in their wish to lower gas prices. Eventually."
"And what will be the plot of your movie?"
Cavatar shrugs. "Dunno. If those bills become law, it's only a matter of time before more oil disasters."