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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Painless Correction
In the wake of Osama bin Laden's demise, the traditional media has been buzzing with debate over whether or not the now-rusting-in-storage Bush administration gathered actionable information from terrorist suspects through the use of "enhanced interrogation."
That term has always been B.S. Enhancement is what you get done to your boobs, lips, and penis. Enhancement is sweetening a poker pot. Enhancement is what computers do when starship captains want to get a better look at that twirling multi-colored blob heading STRAIGHT FOR US!!!
In counterterrorism, however, "enhancing an interrogation" is simply weasel-speak for torture. The most infamous interrogational "enhancement" of our recent past, of course, was strapping someone down and pouring water over his face so he felt like he was drowning. Same thing the Japanese did to Allied prisoners during World War II, for which they were tried as criminals on charges of---Bing!---torture.
I still see and hear the term "enhanced interrogation" all the time, two and a half years after the goons who thought it up left the White House. Ugh, I say. Anyone who, pardon the pun, waters down the word "torture" to make it sound more palatable to the delicate sensibilities of the citizenry is doing a disservice to their readers and viewers. Robotically parroting a phrase dishonestly hatched during the disgraced and lawless Bush administration is wrong. Torture is torture. It's repulsive when it's used anywhere in the world, but especially so when it's used in the United States.
The word "torture," when it meets the eye or strikes the eardrum, pangs the conscience in a way that "enhanced interrogation" does not, which is why the Orwellian among us prefer the latter. Amazing what you can get away with, thanks to clever framing.
Pundits and news prompter readers: say torture. Reporters and columnists: write torture. It's embarrassing that it was done in our name. But now that we're in the post-bin Laden era, let's call it what it was, move on, and restore the reputations of two fine words: interrogation as legal and humane intelligence-gathering from suspects, and enhanced as the past-tense of boob jobs and penis enlargement. That's the America I know and love.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... ... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Note: Awesome fun alert! If you're going to be in the vicinity of western Maine on July 9th, Kossack Mayim invites you to a Summer Meetup at her cabin situated on a gorgeous lake. Says Mayim: "I’ll gladly cook and have beer. If anyone wants to spend Friday and/or Saturday night (for fun, or because it's a long drive.....), I've got room. For more info or to RSVP, email her at killearnan@gmail.com. There will be Star Trek DVDs. Oh yes…there will be Star Trek DVDs.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 48
Days `til the 12th annual UFO Festival in McMinnville, Oregon: 9
Percent increase in total world military spending in 2010: $1.3%
Increase in military spending in South America, the continent with the largest growth in that category: 5.8%
(Source: AP)
Estimated value of the bulletproof-car market in Mexico: $90 million
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent of Americans in a Harris poll who say there are some books that should and should not, respectively, be completely banned: 18%, 56%
Hours a day Calvin Coolidge slept while president: 10
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 False prophets and 1 heavy metal huckster). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Formal introduction…
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CHEERS to taking a byte out of crime. In addition to ridding the world of Osama bin Laden (it still feels so odd to be able to write that non-satirically), we also got our hands on a goldmine of data that could make a Wikileaks dump look like a fifth-grade book report:
The assault force of Navy SEALs snatched a trove of computer drives and disks during their weekend raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound, yielding what a U.S. official called “the mother lode of intelligence.” The special operations forces grabbed personal computers, thumb drives and electronic equipment during the lightning raid that killed bin Laden, officials told POLITICO.
Among the revelations when they opened his laptop: worst Angry Birds player ever.
JEERS to Nevada. Mid-coast Maine has had a---their term, not mine---"swarm of earthquakes" since April 30th. Mid-coast Maine is also home to a shitload of spent nuclear fuel rods from the old Maine Yankee nuclear power plant there. And why are the rods still there? Because you freakin' Nevadans won’t let all the other states bring thousands and thousands upon millions of trillions of highly-deadly spent fuel rods and store them under your noses for 10,000 years. Thanks a lot. Anyway…
[Maine Geological Survey director Dr. Robert] Marvinney said the earthquakes are the result of the movement of large, rock plates that make up the Earth’s crust. The crust in Maine is still adjusting to the loss of thick ice at the end of the last ice age.
Or as it's more commonly known here: May 1st.
JEERS to itchy trigger fingers. Forty one years ago today, National Guard troops fired on Vietnam War protestors at Ohio's Kent State University, killing four students and injuring 12 in 13 seconds. The question that may never be answered: what possessed the Guard to use live ammo when they could've pacified the crowd with a plate of hash brownies? A permanent blemish on my home state's record.
CHEERS to the eggheads who walk among us. The 2011 National Science Bowl is over, and I'm happy to report there were no major explosions or, according to a statement released by the Polk administration, accidental time warps. Congratulations to Mira Loma High School in Sacramento:
Mira Loma won the championship after racking up an overall 8-1 record, defeating Maryland's Montgomery Blair High in the final round. … "Going forward, our country needs people like you," Energy Department secretary and Nobel Prize-winning scientist Steven Chu said at the awards ceremony. …
Senior Russell Islam plans to study both biology and economics at Stanford. The speech-and-debate team captain voices an interest in politics. "I want to be the president," Islam declared Monday.
Six words that would instantly paralyze the Republican base: "I, Russell Islam, do solemnly swear…" Science rocks!
CHEERS to "45." After explaining why he's for traditional marriage, how can I say no? I mean, what an Explainer-in-Chief Donald Trump will be:
It’s like in golf. A lot of people---I don’t want this to sound trivial---but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.
Oh, Donald, You had me at "really long putters."
P.S. Speaking of knuckleheads with crazy hair, C&J's favorite Stooge, Moe Howard, died 36 years ago today. Same year as Trump's humility.
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Five years ago in C&J: May 4, 2006
CHEERS to the overwhelming majority. Latest USA Today/Gallup poll has President Bush at 34%. C&J puts it in perspective: If you were having, say, 16,000 of your neighbors over for a kegger, the Bush supporters would be outnumbered 10,560 to 5,440. And 5,400 nimrods divided by 75 wedgies per hour means we could keep the party goin' for 72 hours. So we'll be over to your house early Friday. Leave the key under the mat.
JEERS to Warden Jesus. The Washington Post says up to six federal prisons---in a move legal scholars say is unconstitutional---are going to start preparing inmates for their release by making them sit through evangelical Christian counseling sessions. As soon as they learn how to walk across the moat, they're free to go.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a fond final sendoff. What do you say to a disgraced United States Senator on his last day in office? I mean, think about it. Here you are, under the Rotunda, face to face---you with a scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other, him with a suitcase in one hand and a laundry bag stuffed with dirty socks and polka-dotted boxers in the other. Awkward. You search for the right words: Sorry about that whole adultery thing? Did your folks pay the $96,000 hush money by cash or check? No, no! Don’t make him feel any worse than he does already. Jeez. And then it comes to you. You look John Ensign straight in the eye and say: "By god, of all the Senators who ever resembled James Brolin, you, sir, looked the James Broliniest." He nods and heads for the exit. You turn and run frantically to your Jaguar so you won’t miss your tee time, making a mental note to send Ensign your next dry-cleaning bill for making you spill scotch and cigar ash on your Dockers. So anyway, that's what I'd say.
Have a naughty Wednesday---go to Bank of America and swipe a pen. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Tonys Love Mormon But Snub Cheers and Jeers
---People
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