Welcome to Awards Edition Plus, your one-stop snark shop for political satire and the Golden Douchenozzle Award awarded weekly for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. Tonight Sirius the Cat has an editorial about Donald Trump's hairpiece, plus some fun and games in The News of Dubious Veracity Department, and of course the Golden Douchenozzle Award. But first, a little tribute to Pete Seeger who turned 92 this week.
Follow me over the fold for the romp....
Happy Birthday Pete Seeger, American Icon
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It is hard to believe just how controversial this performance was when it did not air on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour in 1967. Termed "unacceptable content" by CBS censors, the rest of the previously blacklisted Seeger's performance was aired, but not this song. It was considered a dig at the Johnson administration, which had recently committed more troops to Viet Nam. Seeger later told Newsweek: "It is important for people to realize that what they see on television is screened--not only for good taste, but for ideas". No less true today than it was 44 years ago. (Background on this courtesy of David Bianculli's Dangerously Funny: The Uncensored Story of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, Simon & Schuster, New York, NY, 2009).
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by Managing Editor Sirius the Cat
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Houston, we have a problem, and it's not the fact that Houston out-classes LA for bad air and smog and rivals it in automobile traffic. We have a pootie problem, and it's on Donald Trump's head. Consider this picture, for instance:
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Photo by AEP Contributing Editor weatherdude.
Teh Donald may be a birther and a warmonger and afraid of David Letterman. He may be a lot of things, and it is his right to hold those opinions. But Trump is also something else: he's cruel to animals. That orange cat that he wears on his head (I hear the cat is named "Jack") is daily subjected to perching on one of the most vapid Schaedels* in America. Deprived of warmth, Jack the Cat is also expected to go without food and water for extended periods of taping under hot, bright lights and only allowed to relieve himself whenever Trump opens his mouth. At night he is at the mercy of Trump's valet, who throws him in the washing machine (albeit on "deli-cat") then packs him away in a box until morning. This is clearly pootie cruelty, and I cannot imagine why the media refuse to call teh Donald out on this egregious abuse of an otherwise lovely orange cat.
It is time to tell Trump "you're fired" and put him on notice that our great Nation will not tolerate an erstwhile Presidential candidate who abuses kittehs. It's time to tell Trump to show his real colors: BALD.
Don't forget to spay and neuter.
--Sirius
*Schaedel=Viennese word for "noggin".
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News of Dubious Veracity Department
by commonmass
From the Dubai Daily Register:
Bin Laden's Compound Found to Contain 72 Virgins
by Ahbu el-Dahbi
In the aftermath of the fatal raid on Osama Bin Laden's Pakistani luxury compound, it was determined that his "wives" were actually 72 virgins--all over the age of 70. Bin Laden, widely known to be impotent, kept the women there as platonic companions. The 72 elderly virgins--Roman Catholic Nuns from Italy-- were loaned to him several years ago by Pope Benedict after a round of budget cuts in the Vatican. The Holy Father was not available for comment but Vatican spokesperson Bernard Cardinal Law commented: "I think the idea was that Bin Laden had a use for female companionship, and was willing to pay for it. Here in the Vatican, as you know, we have no use for women".
And no, without further ado, The Golden Douchenozzle Award!!!
The Nominees:
Orly Taitz These birther folks just won't go away (and of course the "deather" thing has inevitably begun). Now I love Orly Taitz. She just gets me all giddy with delight every time she shows up--especially when she shows up on Lawrence O'Donnell. Apparently, she's showing up in court--again--pushing her theory that the President uses 39 different Social Security numbers. Will she ever stop? Gosh, I certainly hope not. It beats the heck out of reality television.
Donald Trumpwon't go on Letterman because mean old Dave thinks he's a racist crackpot. I think the entire country owes a debt of gratitude to David Letterman, a man I personally have never found funny at all, for demonstrating Trump doesn't have the temperament to be a serious candidate. It can now be definitively stated that Trump has skin so thin he makes Paul LePage look rugged. Speaking of whom....
Paul LePage The newly-elected Governor of my fair State of Maine is notoriously thin skinned. So much so, in fact, he once threatened to punch out the news director of the Maine Public Broadcasting Network. On live television. On the Maine Public Broadcasting Network. While the mural scandal has faded somewhat, he has recently felt compelled to accept the resignation of an administration official who suggested in a speech that public universities have gone downhill because of affirmative action. Interestingly, he accepted the resignation without public comment. LePage probably figures he's said everything he needs to say on the subject when he told the NAACP that they could kiss his butt.
The Maine State Legislature is full of total asshattery. First, these guys want to bring billboards back to Maine (we are one of four states that do not have them on our highways: the others are Vermont, Alaska and Hawaii) and now they want to de-regulate zoning for "big box" stores. They are also hell-bent on making the reproductive choices of women very difficult. As of yet, none of our elected folks have an opinion on meth and oxycontin, our state's largest industry after fishing and tourism. I wonder if there is a reason the legislature keeps mum on that...as they say, there are two sides (meth) to every issue (oxycontin).
Dubya has refused to join President Obama in a memorial speech in New York City. He is a coward. He was a coward when he was President, and he's a coward now. But that's not my point. We have been after Bin Laden since Clinton. No one listened to Clinton (or to Ambassador Wilson, either) but Clinton understood who this guy was and what he was up to. Word has it that President Clinton may put in an appearance. It would be nice, however, to see all three of them together. It would remind us just how long this has been going on. But Dubya can't bring himself to be seen in New York when someone else has the bullhorn pulpit. DOUCHENOZZLE.
Dick Cheney Dick, dick, dick. You so are one. All the waterboarding in the world couldn't catch Osama. Silly dick! It was the incompetence of the Pakistani intelligence and military you kept propping up what done it! That, and an administration that was, well, competent. Sorry, Charlie.
Phillip Congdon The former Commissioner of the Maine Department of Economic and Community Development, the one who recently resigned, managed to offend African Americans and Native Americans all in one week. He's the one that resigned with nary a word from his boss, Paul LePage. Who knew? The country went to hell in a handbasket when African Americans got wider access to higher education and Native Americans should "get off the reservation"--get off the state "teet", apparently. Guess who just got off the state teet? Phillip Congdon.
....and the award goes to.....tympani roll.....crescendo......CYMBAL CRASH!!!!
George W. Bush
Weaksauce Brass-Fanfare
Here is an excerpt from the letter Awards Edition Plus sent to the former pResident:
The Honorable George Walker Bush
Dallas, Texas
Dear Mr. President,
It is my great pleasure to inform you that you have been awarded this week's Golden Douchenozzle Award for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery. For all of your attempts to capture Osama Bin Laden, your administration's commitment to gutting our Constitution to make us safer and your unyielding efforts to make torture a household word, you feel it necessary to avoid the opportunity to take credit for your many accomplishments in public, along with President Clinton and President Obama. We find that an unfortunate flaw in character, though for you, we certainly find it to be in character.
We must commend you, however, for your wonderful jokes about WMD. They, and the terrorists were not under your desk, to be sure. They were under Musharraf's.....
Please join us next week for another edition of Awards Edition Plus!