For those of you who enjoyed my previous diaries Dino Diary I and Dino Diary II on the GOP candidates, I’m sorry to report that things have taken a very grim turn down by Cretaceous Creek. When last we saw our small-brained paleo-pals, they were happily chomping on Mesozoic maize-dogs, nipping at each other’s heels, and annoying us with their screechy vocalizations.
Now, however, their only concern is survival, as a terrifying new Dominiosaur is stomping their nests, stealing their food, and defecating in their water supply. This heavily armed, swaggering behemoth is the none other than the dreaded…
Texasaurus perrii – personally called to serve by Skyosaurus, this religious chameleon has repudiated his Meso-Methodist (and Dino-Democratic) roots and reinvented himself as the Mesozoic Messiah. This has delighted the Baggosaurs, who quickly abandon their previous Messiah, the beady-eyed and shrill Archeopteryx bachmannii (see below) for this latest shiny coprolite. While his home habitat suffers under unprecedented drought and wildfires, destroying homes, habitats, and entire ways of life, Texasaurus is unperturbed, striding across the countryside, proclaiming his dominance and threatening to destroy any creatures hapless enough to cross his path.
Often mistaken for the gentler Texasaurus bushii (W), another product of the same Permian basin, T. perrii is differentiated on the basis of his greater ferocity and willingness to sacrifice members of its own species. While T. bushii was content to spend long periods of time in the Texas hinterlands chewing on vegetation, T. perrii is a ruthless carnivore, constantly on the move looking for fresh blood to feed its insatiable quest for world domination. Another key differentiator: while neither of these Texasaurs possesses more than a rudimentary limbic brain, only T. bushii possesses a functional heart.
While T. perrii is worshipped by the Baggosaurs as a paragon of Velociraptor virtue, it is rumored to have some very interesting skeletons tucked away in its expansive multi-chambered cave. Paleontologists are fast-tracking their excavations, and this reporter will keep you informed of their findings, no matter how disturbing.
Needless to say, the emergence of this dominant force on the landscape will spell extinction for most of its frightened fellow GOPosaurs. Read on below the fresh coprolite…
Archeopteryx bachmannii –once the queen of the Baggosaurs, this flighty, shrieking leader of the paleo-pack is now on the run, fighting for its life. Aiming to distract the looming T. Perrii, A. bachmanii has increased the volume of its vocalizations, warning anyone able to withstand its high-frequency emanations that Skyosaurus is punishing Cretaceous evildoers with tornados, floods, and droughts. Sadly, despite a lifetime of preparation (including following the directives of the peculiar Marcusaurus and co-opting dozens of offspring to increase their pack size), A. Bachmannii’s days are clearly numbered. Its closest associates have turned their spiny backs on this unfortunate creature, and soon it will be just another sad footnote in the fossil record.
Brontosaurus romneii – seeking to remain above the fossil fray, this flip-flopping GOPosaur has laid low in its many caves and stayed out of the path of T. Perrii. This paleo-prevent-defense strategy may prove fatal, as T. Perrii has the resources, the fighting spirit, and the tenacity to prevail in any encounter. B. romneii, while anointed by the GOP Establishmentosaurs, faces an uphill battle in winning the hearts and minds of the Baggosaurs, who correctly view him as a pompous pretender lacking T. Perrii’s divine blessing from Skyosaurus.
Texasaurus paulii – this septuagenarian Texasaur is still waging an aggressive campaign, warning citizens of his drought-stricken, fire-ravaged territory that under its ascendancy, they will be left to fester in the tar pits. It’s nothing personal; it’s just what was written in the Rand Petroglyphs. T. Perrii has similar plans for these unfortunate folk (since his repeated requests to Skyosaurus have apparently gone unheeded), but it has the good sense to keep them to itself until elected.
Globetrotosaurus huntsmanii – despite surviving the rigors of the Gobi Desert, this intelligent and gentle creature is no match for T. Perrii, who views it as just another link in the food chain. Finely-honed communications skills and territorial reach will sadly count for little in any one-on-one encounter, and G. hunstmanii will be consigned to a few lines in the fossil record.
Velociraptor Santorum– one vicious, stalking predator in the race would be enough, but this creepy loner matches up well to T. Perrii in temperament, leaving its prey in a perpetual state of dread. Still, only one can prevail, and La Brea odds-makers have their money on T. Perrii.
Pizzasaurus hermanii – even the Godfather is no match for T. Perrii, who will crush it as flat as any pizza.
Stegasaurus newtii – rumors of its extinction notwithstanding, this slow lumbering beast is still with us. If not for its voracious mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii, S. newtii would have retreated to its cave for a life of ease. Now it faces certain doom at the claws of T. Perrii who could give two coprolites about its supposed intellectual prowess.
Griftasaurus palinii – this thin-skinned, leathery Baggosaur divides its time between exploiting its family members for profit, and spewing (and inhaling) fossil fuel fumes on a Brownian-motion bus tour of political hot spots. Its rapidly changing camouflage and erratic migration patterns keep predators in a perpetual state of confusion as to its plans. Vocalizing through tweets and carefully arranged interviews with Gretasaurus botoxii, G. palinii may believe an alliance with T. perrii will resurrect its fading glory. T. Perrii, however, is the king of the grifters and will make short work of this half-term half-wit.