I'm not really asking for help, I guess. There's nothing anyone can do for me. Sometimes you just have to vent to somebody. I can hardly talk to people in the "real" world about this because it will just make it harder for me to get through it. They'll be looking at me with pity in their eyes, reminding me of the hell I've lived with everyday and I don't need to sob right now. I need to keep holding up my head.
He's moving out but he's psychologically terrorizing me in the meantime. I don't know what to do but to fight for my dignity and self-esteem.
I have not a chip to bargain with and I'm extremely vulnerable but I refuse to show it. I suppose this is the problem. If I was crying and distraught, he would leave me alone.
Not only do I have to take this shit from him because he's got me by the...whatever, I'm supposed to wallow in a puddle of my own tears and completely lose my soul as well.
He bought me a car and he's threatening me with it. We both love the dog and he's holding that over my head in subtle ways.
And I swear it's because I am just way too happy about him leaving for his ego to stand it. I even told his new girlfriend to please take him away from me.
Now I'm in trouble because I started laughing at him, ignoring him and playing a song called "Not Gon' Cry" by Mary J. Blige and singing along with it and drowning him out.
I know there are no guarantees
In love you take your chances
But somehow it seems unfair to me
Look at the circumstances...
He starts telling me that this should be HIS song and then he starts pacing. (Uh-oh) I just got deeper into the song. I really like singing. I almost forgot he was there
He kept telling me that I had better start keeping my mouth shut and then started dogwhistling different threats to me about sabotaging me with the landlord so that I can't get the lease signed over to me, etc.
Damn. You mad 'cuz Mary J. Blige makes me live? Hater.
I paused my song and said; "I have first amendments rights in this country". I turned my music back on.
"What? Like what first amendment rights?", he inquired.
I paused the song again and started to recite the first amendment and all it's articles from memory while smirking. He cut me off and told me I was fucked up in the head and he mumbled something else threatening before he stormed out the door.
sigh. This is how women get trapped, humiliated, fucked over and abused. He thinks he has every right to do this to me because I have nowhere else to go. He thinks he is perfectly within his rights to threaten and terrorize me because I don't really have the money to run away. He's the one who has to leave as per our agreement and everyday he threatens to overturn it. I have at least one more month of this shit to deal with.
Meanwhile, he comes home from somebody else's house at 1:00am every night. He doesn't come home on the weekends at all. He pops in and out of here whenever he wants unexpectedly and it's only to cockblock me because he knows I have friends, too. He threatens me in dogwhistles about me having someone else. If I have another man, why don't I go live with him and etc, etc, etc.
My best friend in the world is a guy. I've known him for about 12 years. He's been with the same girl for 16 years. We're both geeks from the ghetto with crazy, dysfunctional families. He happens to be really cute. He keeps in touch with me if he can, he goes around the city looking for me sometimes if we haven't seen each other and he just cares about me. Every now and then, a mutual friend will come straight up to me, looking real serious; "Um, R is looking for you!". He just wants to know if I'm alright.
At this turbulent time in my life, R has been there. He's trying to think of a way to tell his girlfriend that we're just friends because he's tired of lying to her about where he is sometimes. He brings me food and cola and "stuff" to smoke. We watch and talk about Kung Fu films and comedies. He's listens to me and puts my head on his shoulder when I cry. He keeps reminding me of things about myself that I forget; "...T, that's because you like geeks. What were you doing with this guy anyway?" Nothing is happening between us and I feel guilty enough about it but I really need that right now.
All I need is for the jerky ex bf to come in this door unannounced and see R here and I'll be done.
This is just one of the subtle ways that I'm being threatened and terrorized.
This isn't happening because deep down, I'm heartbroken, which is kindda true. I'm really disappointed in this asshole. But this is happening to me because I'm not that fucking sad.
This is happening to me because I won't shut my mouth and take it. Because I won't back down and be walked all over.
This is happening to me because I keep reminding him of the truth, which is that I'm way too good for him and I'm doing it while laughing and singing. I'm doing it while reminding him of all the fun I'm going to have when he's finally gone for good. I'm lobbing his insults right back at him and reminding him of all the ways he sucks as a humanitarian and a scholar. He's not my type by a long shot.
This is happening to me because he knows that I've been through so much in my life, nothing can really get to me. He could do his worse and I would spring right back up.
And that's what I'm doing. I just can't stfu. I don't care wtf I talk myself into, I will not play this game with him. If he wants to play the asshole, then I'll play aloof and silly and recite the first amendment while singing Mary J. Blige from the 90s. I don't care. I will die on my feet.
This is also happening to me because he makes twice the money I make which is pretty typical in the world. I wonder how many other women are making choices to remain in a waking nightmare for years because they have nowhere else to go.
I wonder how many women...
Thanks for listening to my rant. I'll be okay. Since I started writing this, he's done his usual mental assault of calling me back to be reasonable now that he's shaken and threatened my security in this world a few times this morning. Tomorrow it will be the same routine. I'm still gonna talk my shit and come "this" close to being completely uprooted. Again.
Meanwhile, I can't eat or sleep well because I never know what's going to happen from day to day. That's the very definition of terrorism.
Pray for me, wish me luck or whatever you do and thanks again for listening. I promise myself that this will never happen again. The spring will make everything beautiful again.
8:49 AM PT: Great. Now I'm really bawling. LOL You're all so sweet. I have to go to work in about an hour but I feel uplifted and a bit and lighter. I feel lighter for getting this out. I'm sorry if I used the wrong tags or made anyone upset but it just felt good to write and publish something so personal and know that I wouldn't be judged. So, thanks again for listening.