From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Retired Terror Alert Colors: The C&J Reunion Interview
Ten years ago today, after a grueling selection process involving thousands of hues, shades, pigments and a $100 billion consultation fee for the Pantone Corporation, five noble colors were chosen to stand watch over America's shores as official representatives of the federal government's new Homeland Security Advisory System.
The assembled group---Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange and Red (aka Terror Tint Team Tango)---quickly gelled into a rainbow of resolve. During their first two years, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge changed---or was pressured to change---the alert level ten times, mostly due to the dire threat of Democrats winning elections. When they disbanded in April of 2011 after 3,326 days on the job, they went their separate ways. But over the weekend C&J assembled all five original members for an EXCLUSIVE interview, excerpts of which are published here for the first time:
Cheers and Jeers: Green, you represented "Low Risk" on the chart, and in nine years of service you were never activated. But that didn’t stop you from gaining a reputation as a bit of a free spirit.
Green: Yeah, I was the token "safe" color everyone knew would never get called on. So I said, what the hell---if I'm supposed to represent some Kum By Yah Party Town, let's ROCK THIS JOINT! To be honest, I don't remember much. But I checked the archives at TMZ and apparently I trashed a bunch of hotel rooms, got my stomach pumped a lot, punched Russell Crowe in the face for no reason, and I hear the green movement considered going taupe because I was tarnishing their brand. But I got my life back together and now I'm married to my wife, Fern, and we have two lovely kids, Olive and Jade.
C&J: Blue, you were the "Guarded" one in the group. But, like green, you were never called on. Looking back, do you harbor any bitterness?
Blue: Why do you ask? Are you implying something? Do you know something I don’t? Did someone say I was bitter? Do you believe everything you hear? Why should I trust you? Why am I even here? I think this is a matter best left to the proper authorities. I have no further comment at this time.
C&J: Yellow, you were the "middle color" representing "Elevated" risk. Except for a few days when level Orange took over, you were on duty 24/7 the entire time the program existed.
Yellow: What? You mean the other colors would dump all the responsibility on the middle color and then go off and do their own shit? Really??? Get…OUT!!! That is a NEWS FLASH! Y'know what I wanted to do with my life? I wanted to be a yellow road sign. "Divided Highway" or "Slippery When Wet" or "Moose Crossing." But noooooo!!! Let's get Yellow to "guard the homeland" for a decade by threatening to tell Mom and Dad about who caused that dent in the station wagon. It's so UNFAIR!!!
C&J: Orange, you were probably the best-known. First, you came out of the closet in 2007 as America's first openly-gay alert color. And second, you sounded the TSA intercom message at all the airports, which were designated "High" risk up until the end. Can you give us an encore of your standard announcement for old time's sake?
Orange: Of course! I'm here to please my fans. Ahem: "Attention passengers! Pay no attention to the gajillions of dollars we've poured into personnel training, grandma-sniffing dogs, metal detectors, gunpowder detectors, liquid detectors, sharp-object detectors, X-ray machines, gamma-ray machines, luggage scanners, laptop scanners, body scanners, shoe scanners, scanners to scan the scanners, residue swabbers, latex gloves, and an unwieldy no-fly list to catch devious types like the late Senator Ted Kennedy. We're apparently as unsafe as ever, so Orange it is! Have a nice day, you fabulous pissed-off travelers!" I won an Intercommy Award for my reading of that at O'Hare.
C&J: And finally, Red, you represented "Severe" risk on the chart. When people think global apocalypse, they think of you. What are you doing these days?
Red: Same old same old. Rotating the non-perishables in the bunker. Stringin' barbed wire. Stackin' the gold. Lockin' and loadin'. Keepin' an ear tuned to Glenn Beck for news of the impending invasion. Oh, and I also got married to a bag of Twizzlers and opened a daycare center. It's all good.
C&J: Thanks for your time, threat levels. We appreciate your service.
The current system enacted by the Obama administration is less fear-based and
more practical. Killjoy.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 12, 2012
Note: Read Doonesbury this week. Some newspapers (including the cowardly Portland Press Herald here in Maine) are afraid it might hurt readers' delicate sensibilities and are publishing reruns. Screw 'em---You be the judge.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Masters golf tournament: 24
Days 'til the Wild Chicken Festival in Fitzgerald, Georgia: 4
Number of Japan's 54 commercial nuclear reactors that have been taken off line: 52
(Source: The New York Times)
Time it took for last Thursday's solar flare to reach Earth's magnetic field: 36 hours
Percent chance that the first sale in Maine of a Nissan Leaf electric car happened last week: 100%
Percent of 2008 GOP primary voters in Ohio made up of people making more than $100,000: 21%
Percent of 2012 GOP primary voters in Ohio made up of people making more than $100,000: 30%
(Source: The Washington Post)
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NEW! Revvin' Up for Rhode Island!
Brought to you by the 2012 Netroots Nation Convention in Providence, June 7-10. Friendly turf for us, says the mighty Pedia of the Wiki:
For nearly five decades, Rhode Island has been one of the nation's most solidly Democratic states. Since 1928, it has voted for the Republican presidential candidate only four times. Also, [it] has elected only one Republican (former Governor John H. Chafee) to the U.S. Senate since 1934, sent no Republicans to the U.S. House from 1940 until 1980, when one Republican and one Democrat were elected. Also in 1980, Rhode Island was one of only six states to favor Jimmy Carter. However, in 1984, Republican Edward DiPrete was elected governor and Ronald Reagan narrowly carried the state in the presidential election. In the 2000 presidential election, Democrat Al Gore won 61% of the popular vote
Kerry won in '04 with 59 percent, and Obama took the state in '08 with
63 percent. Gotta love a safe blue state.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Catnip for dogs...at least for this one.
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CHEERS to the slow grinding gears of democracy (or whatever the hell our system of government is these days). Over the weekend red-blooded voters in the Real America known as Kansas stomped on Mitt Romney in their caucus like the cockroach Mitt Romney stomped on during a campaign speech last week. The win gave Rick Santorum over 99,000 delegates, 98,967 of which he foolishly traded away for a bag of magic beans. (In fairness, they were very shiny.) But Romney swept the foreign and exotic playgrounds of the rich: Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands and the U.S. Lifelong Abstinence Practicing Islands. The trend will continue tomorrow when Santorum wins the grits vote in Alabama and Mississippi, and Romney takes American Samoa and Hawaii. I know this because Sunday morning I turned my clocks ahead three days.
JEERS to too much water and not enough ShamWow!s. This weekend marked the one-year anniversary of the---in order of occurrence---8.9 earthquake, tsunami and meltdown at the Fukushima nuclear complex. 19,000 perished. I looked up my C&J entry from that day, and it was interesting to see how it took the media awhile to fully grasp the scope of the disaster:
Someone at CNN thought it was a swell idea to double up on their disaster coverage this morning by interviewing 2012 GOP primary candidate Rick Santorum. While horrifying tsunami footage played out on the left side of the screen, Santorum appeared on the right side to offer grown-up words of comfort by railing against gay marriage and calling for U.S. planes to blow up Libya.
One year later, Japan has barely begun recovering, but I'm heartened by George Takei's
eloquent blog post from yesterday:
In their resolve to rebuild, the Japanese have set a high bar for the world. In the wake of the tragedy, there was no looting, no violence, and a strong sense of order and selflessness. Elderly Japanese volunteered to help with the gritty task of nuclear clean-up, offering up their shorter expected life spans for the greater good. It is moving to me to see such human spirit, after so much was lost for so many.
The Atlantic has a
must-see photo essay here (dial-up warning: lots of pics). It's nature's world, we just live in it. Tenuously.
JEERS to documenting more atrocities. In Afghanistan, a U.S. soldier goes berzerk and massacres 16 (nine of them kids) in a village. And for good measure he set them on fire. I wish I could say this surprises me, but it doesn't. This is what war is and what war does. This is what happens. As long as there's a U.S. military presence in Afghanistan, this'll keep happening. And you can practically set your watch to the inevitable retribution. How many on our side will now be killed? Five? Ten? Twenty? More? Is this war worth this? A huge swath of America says no. Be nice if someone was listening.
CHEERS to awesome previews of coming attractions. I don’t know how she wrangled it, but I consider this the duel of the week: tomorrow night on MSNBC, Rachel Maddow will talk global warming with none other than Bible-thumping global warming denier---and world's most dangerous private pilot---Senator James Inhofe (R-OK). Rachel's words: "Don’t miss it." My words: "Don’t worry."
JEERS to priorities of the privileged. Yesterday on Meet the Press, Virginia Governor Bob "It's Not A Forced Ultrasound, It's Freedom Of Ultrasound!" McDonnell got very upset with fellow guest Governor Martin O'Malley (D-MD) over his tax policy:
"You've got proposals to increase the sales tax, the gas tax, the tax on cigars..."
Yes---nothing is more oppressive to the average person's budget these days than a tax on
cigars. Why, if the war on stogies gets any worse, people at the country club may be forced to light up with 50-dollar bills instead of hundreds. If they come after your Studebakers, Maryland, spare no torches or pitchforks!
CHEERS and JEERS to Daylight Saving time. Lovin' it because it's still light out at 6 O'clock!!!! Hatin' it because, now that it's dark at wake-up time again, I get paranoid about oversleeping, so this is my sleep cycle now:
Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]…Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]… Zzzzzz…[Jolt awake, check the time]…
Guess who overslept anyway?
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Five years ago in C&J: March 12, 2007
CHEERS to slaying the beast. The Nevada State Democratic Party cancelled its participation in an August presidential debate hosted by Fox "News." When asked what ultimately prompted his decision to pull out of the event, state party Chairman Tom Collins replied: "The drugs finally wore off."
JEERS to way-too-fond farewells. Secretary of the Army Francis Harvey---who was fired for incompetence over the Walter Reed scandal---got a lavish send-off Friday with full military honors (Americablog has another cringe-worthy pic here). In fairness, his goodbye cake was only five layers instead of the usual six. In yer face, pal.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Hart High School in Santa Clarita, California. As of Saturday it has its own alumni inductee (Class of '68) into the Country Music Hall of Fame. You know him, too, on account of he's one of Daily Kos's most huggable and humble denizens, so this morning John Hobbs (user name "jnhobbs") gets an orange confetti shower for being the best:
Hobbs [was] inducted as one of the musicians in the Nashville Cats series, which Hall of Fame host Bill Lloyd explained on the website as “about the musicians behind the singers, the sidemen to the stars who didn’t always get the spotlight.” […]
His credits include sessions with country greats George Jones, Merle Haggard, and Reba McEntire and with pop stars Lionel Richie, Tom Jones, and Olivia Newton-John, among many others. Hobbs can be heard on numerous hits including George Strait’s “Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind,” Kenny Chesney’s “When the Sun Goes Down,” and Vince Gill’s “Next Big Thing.” He won a 2007 Grammy Award for coproducing Gill’s four-CD set, These Days; and he coproduced Gill’s latest, Guitar Slinger.
I wish I coulda been there, but it wouldn't ended well, seeing as the rules explicitly
state that "Guests using offensive language or engaging in disorderly conduct may be ejected from the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum and barred from re-entry." [
Sigh] Congrats from afar, John. And I hope you don’t mind if around these parts we refer to you instead as a "Nashville Pootie."
Have a nice Monday, y'all. Grits are people, my friends!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told reporters she’s not trumpeting Cheers and Jeers “because it’s so meager” then mimicked a trumpet noise and saluted the arrival of Bill in Portland Maine “the little king.”
---Talking Points Memo
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