Last Sunday I lost my composure and lashed out in fury and angry desperation, ending up attacking and hurting Angelajean. I reacted to a diary Angelajean had written. It was her personal apology to the Afghan people for the atrocities that had happened just shortly before. I chose my words very poorly and what I wanted to express didn't shine through. Readers couldn't understand what drove me so far as to attacking Angelajean for writing an apologiy. They had all the right reasons for not understanding my attack.
I lost myself so far as to call her diary a nopology and I realized immediately that it was completely assholish accusation from my side, which just showed that my feelings carried me to a place I should have never gone. Her apology arose from deeply felt desperation about the incident. My own desperation over the massacre of Afghan civllians caused me to reject an apology that came so fast and almost easy to not hurt my own feelings. That reaction was very wrong from my side.
Just because, mostly out of personal and private reasons, I was not ready to take her apology diary to heart the way it was intended from her side, I had no right whatsoever to call her diary a nopology. Thinking over the true meaning of the word nopology, I am truly embarrassed about my misuse of this word and the abuse I engaged in throwing it out towards her in my comment.
I admit that the comment was comparable to co-dependent PTSD sufferer's "snapping out". In a way I was shooting at someone, who is an innocent civilian, and I never wanted or intended to do it.
The last ten years have done a lot of damage to my family's life. I don't want to use that as an excuse for my "snapping out", but I was unfortunately gone through some very rough three days and six hours of damage control of a loved one, who broke down, before that incident happened. It had exhausted me and brought me to the edge and it was all related to the mental scars the war has left behind in my family. I was deeply involved into not coping with those pains, when I happen to read Angelajean's diary. I don't want this to be taken as an excuse, just an explanation what triggered me "to snap".
I am very sorry that it happened and I would like to apologize to Angelajean and all the other members of the dkos military family, whose feelings I have hurt.