It is my pleasure to announce that DailyKos, in conjunction with George Soros and the Obama Administration, has announced a new venture called "DailyKos Airlines." This has been years in the making and will revolutionize the way President Obama transports conservatives to reeducation camps DailyKos members will travel to the hottest liberal vacation spots.
The Aircraft
From our base in Sin City (Las Vegas McCarran International Airport), our fleet of Boeing 717 aircraft will make daily trips to and from our three destinations -- San Francisco CA, Washington DC, and Moscow. This aircraft is usually not able to make such long trips, but with our revolutionary D.E.M.O.C.R.A.T. (Deviant Evangelical Male Operated Craft Reverse And Thrust) engines, we're able to go five times the distance of a normal Boeing 717 aircraft.
The plane is able to seat 135 members comfortably in 3 classes:
First Class is occupied by users with user IDs (UIDs) less than 100,000. These seats have a comfortable recline, complimentary donut service, and the option to flaunt your upper-class status in the faces of Subscriber Class and Peon Class fliers.
Subscriber Class, traditionally known as "business class," is reserved for those users who have donated or possess a subscription to DailyKos. These fliers will be treated like humans -- better than Peon Class, but more newbie-like than First Class.
Peon Class, traditionally known as "economy class," is reserved for the newbie members of DailyKos who are treated with suspicion. These members are the last to board the aircraft (with the newest member forced to run after the plane during taxi), treated with derision by First Class members, and usually scrutinized during the screening process.
San Francisco, CA
Flight 69 from Las Vegas to San Francisco will bring liberals to the Mecca of homosexuality and hippy culture. The one hour flight will double as a training camp designed to teach DailyKos members how to successfully convert Evangelical youth to a life of debauchery and sin. Flight 69 operates 10 times a day -- 5 departures from Sin City, 5 departures from Sin City 2 (San Francisco).
Washington, DC
Flight 538 from Las Vegas to Washington DC's National Airport will give DailyKos members a direct connection to all the important people and agencies in the nation's capital. This flight, operating 12 times a day, will include one meal and a three hour stand-up/ventriloquist/mime show by our own Bill in Portland Maine.
Moscow, Russia
Flight 666 from Las Vegas to Moscow's Sheremetyevo International Airport will bring DailyKos liberals from Vegas straight to the birthplace of Obamunism. The 12 hour flight will take place twice a day -- one into Moscow and one back to Vegas. At various times during this long flight, complimentary trolls will be released from the overhead bin and make things interesting for the passengers.
What To Expect
Once passengers have boarded the aircraft and before pushback from the gate, one of the flight attendants will give the safety briefing. Three passengers will object to the safety announcement and delay the flight by at least 25 minutes while they argue the semantics of what the flight attendant said.
Once the plane takes off, half the passengers will complain that the pilot is purposely flying into pockets of turbulence and not getting them to the destination fast enough. The other half of the plane will clap whenever the pilot makes a turn, takes off, or lands.
In flight beverage and snack services are complimentary. All popular variations of pie are available, with hard liquor available for a small fee.
During the flight, the aforementioned complimentary overhead trolls will inconspicuously move through the cabin and steal everyone's drinks and snacks, kick people in the shin, open and close window shades, and call people names so horrible that they would make George Carlin blush.
Meanwhile in the back of the cabin, flight attendant will have to deal with a huge fight that broke out over who had the armrest first, who pushed the flight attendant button when they weren't supposed to, and who locked whom out of the bathroom.
Once the plane lands, half the plane will say that their constant pushing the pilot to fly faster got you to the airport on time, and the other half of the plane will say they were just annoying noisemakers trying to take credit for the success of the trip.
It's still better than United, though. We look forward to your business. Happy travels!
Click here for a higher resolution image of the aircraft.
*DailyKos Airlines is a fictitious airline designed in Microsoft Flight Simulator X to relieve the general boredom of spring break. Claims made may or may not be true. All purchases final. DailyKos Airlines cannot guarantee both the arrival of You and your luggage at the same airport at the same time. DailyKos Airlines is not responsible for injury or death in the event of a troll infestation, aircraft crash, hard landing, interplanetary warfare, pie fighting, or epic burpage. A $75.00 fee is required to listen to Bill in Portland Maine's comedy act. George Soros is a registered trademark of Fox News. All rights reserved.