As dusk sets in on this last day of spring, I scroll through the TV Guide listings to see what I can rot my brain with this evening. There's not much -- a smattering of movies, some reality shows, a few of the regular nighttime news programs, and much lauded 90s sitcoms enjoying their ample reruns. A favorite of mine is Everybody Loves Raymond, which to my pleasure almost dominates the listings as of late. As I flip the channels back and forth between Raymond and the news, something almost startling is setting in: the presidential campaign of Willard Romney is almost a sitcom in and of itself.
Week after week, Romney and friends find themselves in a comedy of errors. The week starts of seemingly strong for Camp (R) -- dismal job numbers, a sagging stock market, a trumped up flub by the administration in power, and any number of other things used to fill the void in the news cycle. The news shows gather up a few recognizable characters to give us the latest on how Obama is doomed and how Romney will be our knight in shining armor to guide us through these trying times. But then something happens, something that seems to force Mitt Air to abort takeoff halfway down the runway of success -- he opens his mouth.
It's a funny thing, really. For all the money and surrogates and positive news coverage out there, the make or break moment is when a candidate speaks to the public, be it through an interview, a speech, a candid question on the street, or an ad blitz. Each candidate has his or her own strengths. President Obama and Ronald Reagan are and were (respectively) exceptional at giving prepared remarks. Rick Santorum is great at giving remarks with little or no notes at all. But Mitt Romney, the make or break for the five years of anti-Obama rightwing noisemaking, is good at all of nothing.
When he's in front of a microphone, it's like watching that awkward kid in the class call the teacher "mom" or accidentally say "orgasm" instead of "organism" (I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the most embarrassing things ever). He uses language that only serves to feed the joke that Romney is a robot, saying that an uncommonly tall man "should play in sport," that he read a report "on the aircraft," and that a "chocolate goody" (the technical term for a "donut," of course) sounded great.
In addition to his painful awkwardness, he can't seem to keep his story straight. Like every candidate who has to run in a primary, Romney ran to the right in order to beat out Tea Party darlings like Bachmann, Santorum, and Gingrich. For most of these folks, running to right isn't that much of a stretch from that which they already believe.
However, that isn't the case for the presumptive nominee these days. In 1994 when he challenged Ted Kennedy's Senate seat, he ran far to the left to try to siphon voters away from the legendary incumbent Senator. He marginally supported gay rights (going so far as to issue Romney Campaign fliers wishing folks a happy Gay Pride), he was pro-choice when it came to abortion, and he even said "...I think people recognize that I'm not a partisan Republican, I'm someone who is moderate and my views are progressive." He became Governor of Massachusetts in 2003 and lurched to the right a little bit in what was presumably a pre-positioning move for the 2008 presidential nomination. He was still marginally pro-choice (until 2005), marginally pro-gay rights, and even wrote a government healthcare bill for the State of Massachusetts. He was a Republican, but not a Thurmond or DeMint Republican.
Now fast forward to the 2012 primaries. The Tea Party had been dragging on for a few years by this point, and the Republican Party had shifted pretty far to the right. Many of the presidential candidates in 2012 rode that shift as well, but none shifted as hard to the right as did Mr. Romney. He was suddenly a fetus warrior, denounced Obamacare (which was based on his own healthcare plan signed 18 years earlier), hated gay people like the plague, and flip-flopped on just about every issue he could find.
Everybody Loves Romney even has a well seasoned writing staff on hand, consisting of the big policymakers and strategists features in the Bush Family Variety Hour and even a few from Reagan, She Wrote. When Romney isn't flip-flopping, he's taking a ridiculous stand on an issue that even his own party doesn't agree with. He wants to deport tens of millions of undocumented immigrants (regardless of cost) and stage a full-scale military invasion of Iran. Stances like these would certainly win an Emmy or two.
These plot twists allow the world's first real-life campaign sitcom, Everybody Loves Romney, to be a smash hit. Week after week we're provided with a new soundbite by Romney that's easily countered with his own words on at least 4 different occasions. B-Roll of Romney putting his foot in his mouth is the among most popular batch of film clips in history, second only to headless fat people walking through parking lots.
The Republican campaign's sitcom seems to have it all -- humor, a never-ending stream of story lines, and enough drama to keep a high school cheerleading squad afloat for a year. The only thing they're lacking is ratings. While the polls show Romney sneaking up on Obama in some places, it's still a long haul for the GOP to make it to #1 and unseat the current primetime hit. He's got a lot of slimy money behind him for advertising, and there could be a mid-season surprise.
In the meantime, please keep talking and making a fool of yourself, Mitt. It's good TV.
6:02 PM PT: I just realized that today is not the last day of spring. That's tomorrow. I'm a terrible weatherdude.