Last night, Stephen Colbert covered the news of Mitt Romney picking Paul Ryan as his VP candidate.
Mitt Romney picked Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, and folks, this was no safe choice. No, there was another word for it.
DEBORAH FEYERICK (8/12/2012): Paul Ryan is being called a bold choice.
ERIC FEHRNSTROM (8/12/2012): This was a big bold courageous choice.
NEWS PROMO (8/13/2012): ... very bold pick ...
STEPHANIE CUTTER (8/12/2012): ... a big bold choice ...
FOX NEWS PROMO (8/12/2012): Romney goes bold!
CHILI'S AD: It's the bold flavor you're craving!
Yes. Mmm, bold, bold. I mean, so daring. I mean, white, Christian, and male? That's a triple not-threatening to me. And of course, no one is more excited about Ryan than the kids.
JIM ACOSTA (8/11/2012): There could be a generational upside. The 42-year-old Ryan, who was joined on stage by his wife and small children, could help the GOP's ticket appeal to younger voters.
Oh yes, the young ones love him. After all, he's the chairman of the House Budget Committee, or as the kids call it, the "Budge". I mean, this dude wants to cut government entizzlements. And of course, like all Republican VP picks, he looks exactly like Tina Fey.
I cannot wait to see SNL this fall!
See? See, the kids are down with Ryan's Budge, and how dope it is that it eliminates the capital gains tax. Which means that under the Romney/Ryan plan, Romney would pay a tax rate of 0.82%. Ryan gives out all these tax cuts without ballooning the deficit. We just have to cut all non-military spending by 91% over the next 40 years. And we will need that defense spending to protect ourselves from the gangs of marauding seniors pillaging for Lipitor.
Now, Ryan's budget replaces Medicare with a voucher program, and I believe Social Security becomes a lottery, which will save the government tons of money, because if your monthly check has a black dot, we stone you to death.
Video and full transcript below the fold.
Now I know there's been a lot of concern in my circle of friends that the Republicans have been letting this election get away from them. Well worry no more, because Saturday morning, Mitt Romney made the most important announcement of his political career.
MITT ROMNEY (8/11/2012): Join me in welcoming the next President of the United States, Paul Ryan!
Yes!! Paul Ryan for President!! Woo!! Woo!! Oh, whew! What a relief! Because for nine months now, I thought I was going to have to vote for Mitt Romney! I gotta tell ya, I was worried. You got me! You got me! Oh my God, because you gotta face it, there is no possible way that.... I'm sorry, what's happening?
MITT ROMNEY (8/11/2012): Hold on, hold on. Every now and then I'm known to make a mistake. I did not make a mistake with this guy. But I can tell you this, he's going to be the next Vice President of the United States!
(nervous laughter from Stephen)
I mean Romney/Ryan 2012. Very excited, yes. Mitt Romney picked Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, and folks, this was no safe choice. No, there was another word for it.
DEBORAH FEYERICK (8/12/2012): Paul Ryan is being called a bold choice.
ERIC FEHRNSTROM (8/12/2012): This was a big bold courageous choice.
NEWS PROMO (8/13/2012): ... very bold pick ...
STEPHANIE CUTTER (8/12/2012): ... a big bold choice ...
FOX NEWS PROMO (8/12/2012): Romney goes bold!
CHILI'S AD: It's the bold flavor you're craving!
Yes. Mmm, bold, bold. I mean, so daring. I mean, white, Christian, and male? That's a triple not-threatening to me. And of course, no one is more excited about Ryan than the kids.
JIM ACOSTA (8/11/2012): There could be a generational upside. The 42-year-old Ryan, who was joined on stage by his wife and small children, could help the GOP's ticket appeal to younger voters.
Oh yes, the young ones love him. After all, he's the chairman of the House Budget Committee, or as the kids call it, the "Budge". I mean, this dude wants to cut government entizzlements. And of course, like all Republican VP picks, he looks exactly like Tina Fey.
I cannot wait to see SNL this fall!
See? See, the kids are down with Ryan's Budge, and how dope it is that it eliminates the capital gains tax. Which means that under the Romney/Ryan plan, Romney would pay a tax rate of 0.82%. Ryan gives out all these tax cuts without ballooning the deficit. We just have to cut all non-military spending by 91% over the next 40 years. And we will need that defense spending to protect ourselves from the gangs of marauding seniors pillaging for Lipitor.
Now, Ryan's budget replaces Medicare with a voucher program, and I believe Social Security becomes a lottery, which will save the government tons of money, because if your monthly check has a black dot, we stone you to death.
Romney and Ryan have that special chemistry. I mean, here they are on the trail together, wearing plaid shirts together,
wearing white shirts,
wearing blue shirts,
and here they are wearing lycra.
ACE: What's everybody looking at?
(wild audience cheering)
I'm looking at a winner! Of course, this wasn't great news for everyone, specifically, vice presidential hopefuls like Tim Pawlenty and Rob Portman. It is tough news to break to a potential running mate, but Mitt's a leader. So he had his son do it.
CHUCK TODD (8/11/2012): Tagg Romney, Mitt Romney's oldest son, was the person to give the news to both Rob Portman and Tim Pawlenty that they were not the pick.
They should be honored. Chris Christie got a call from Rafalca. I believe.... (audience laughter) I believe we have a recording.
NEW JERSEY GOV. CHRIS CHRISTIE: Hello. Did I get the job?
RAFALCA: Neeiigghhh!
(audience laughter and cheering)
And Governor Bobby Jindal found out... just now, from me. I'm so sorry Governor. We'll be right back.
This week is Stephen's concert series aboard the
USS Intrepid, so he came out in full naval uniform and
played Battleship with Jon, and then had
fun. on to perform "
Some Nights", and just for the web, "
We Are Young" and "
Carry On".
Meanwhile, because of his guest Robert Pattinson, Jon had to explain to all the Twilight fans who were watching his show for the first time to get ready for a lot of VP jokes, before delving into the Paul Ryan pick (and his deep, deep blue eyes). He then discussed how both parties seem to be really happy with the pick with correspondents Al Madrigal and Jessica Williams.
Jon's
Moment of Zen was a tribute to humorist David Rakoff, who just passed away last week. Rakoff had voiced Thomas Jefferson for the audio book version of Jon Stewart's
America: The Book.