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I'm kind of on a roll today and I have some time to kill, so I figured I'd go ahead and offend people who own little dogs.

But seriously, little arf-arf dogs suck. Follow me below the orange squiggly cloud of offensiveness for more...

See? Not cute.

Some small dogs I can hang with, like Jack Russels (although they're super high-maintenance: owning a Jack Russel is like owning a monkey- you have to always, every day, be three or four steps ahead of that thing. Also, unlike normal dogs, Jack Russels do not seem to slow down with age until about two days before they die); I also like Corgis. Good dogs. But a corgi is like a normal-sized dog on stumpy little legs... with bat ears!

Hilarious!

No, the dogs that I can't stand are the ones I see around Los Angeles every day- the pekingese and the pomeranians and the dachsunds and the worst of them all- the chihuahuas. These are not dogs. These are owl food.

And that's where I draw the line. If an owl can carry off your dog? It's not a real dog, okay? If a cat can beat your dog's ass? Not a real dog. My sister works at the Humaine Society and sees all kinds of dogs every day. The ones that bite the most? Little dogs! They're assholes. They have this Napoleon complex with bigger dogs. Many of them are "one person" dogs, and if you're not that one person, the dog is an asshole to you. My buddy got attached to a dachsund. It snapped at little kids. Little kids! What the hell! He had to get rid of the dog because he was afraid that that little butt-head dog was going to cost him a serious lawsuit. And this guy is like the freakin' dog-whisperer!

What a nice doggie!

Labs, retrievers, german shepherds, dobermans, full-sized poodles- these are smart dogs that people can train to be seeing-eye dogs and therapy dogs. You will never, ever see a seeing-eye chihuahua. You know why? They're idiots! Or a police pomeranian? Never gonna happen! Owl food! Bomb-sniffing lhaza apso? Nope! Its too busy being a one-person, asshole dog to accomplish anything else. Now I know someone is going to write in the comments:

"But Jared, the lhaza apso was bread a thousand years ago by Nepalese shepherds to herd their flocks." I would ask- have you ever hung out with a lhaza apso? They're assholes!

You want that in your house? Hell no!

"But Jared, it's all about the training."

Yeah. That's true. To a point. But you'll never train a chihuahua to be smart. Ever. Because they're inherently stupid dogs.

Finally, and this may be the worst bit- is that little arf-arf dogs live forever. You're stuck with that bastard for 20 to 30 years. Big dogs? 10 to 12, maybe 15 if they're lucky. They just don't live that long. But you have a great dog (hopefully) for a decade or so, then a minor tragedy, then you can decide weather or not to get another one. 20 to 30 years?! Stuck with owl food?!

Okay. Done with my little dog hate. I gotta say, I do feel better having gotten that off my chest. So go for it- I've opened myself up to whatever I deserve in the comments. Hope this post finds all of you well and in good spirits!

-J

Tue Feb 19, 2013 at 10:56 PM PT: As greycat points out in the comments, another kossack, Noddy, actually has a service chihuahua. Amazing! I've never heard of that. My sister-in-law has a chihuahua. Every time it sees my wife, the thing rolls over on its back and pees on itself. Charming! Evidently, this behavior is called "Submissive Urination," which to me, sounded like a category of German pornography.

Poll

Little lap dogs?

24%23 votes
65%62 votes
9%9 votes

| 94 votes | Vote | Results

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