Remember when I said stupidity should be painful? I meant it should be painful for other people. Not for me. I'm all for Darwinism; let's cull the herd a bit, amirite? But don't be so fair about it, you jerk. I should get a pass because I'm me. A special little snowflake. A special little snowflake with a cast on her foot. And I still have no idea how this happened.
So, I'm incredibly bored. This is my second weekend of sitting on the effin' couch with my throbbing foot elevated, and the only thing I look forward to is the ten minutes each hour when I can ice it. Oh, sweet relief.
I don't want much out of life. I'm a pretty simple girl. But just a few things would make my life perfect right now.
A) A catheter. Every time I have to pee it's this whole damn production that takes at least five minutes. Each drink of water I take makes me cringe a little bit, not to mention the two cups of coffee I'm allowing myself each morning. And WHY did I want coffee, anyway? The only thing that makes me less miserable is sleep. I should be avoiding caffeine. But the last thing I need is a caffeine withdrawal headache. Then I will literally be hurting from head to toe.
B) A remote control for everything in this house. The door, to let the dogs out and then back in, and then back out and then back in. The blinds and windows and AC, so I can shut the windows and blinds as soon as the sun comes up and threatens to scorch us and turn the AC on for a few hours. Then turn it off when it gets cold. Then back on when it starts warming up. Note- I am not even asking for central air, although I would gladly take it. No, I am more than willing to remain humble about this. I just want a remote control for it.
C) Maybe a robot. I mean, when my sweetie is home she's really nice to me and gets me whatever I need, but she deserves a break and she's getting a bit tired and grumpy about this whole thing. "Stop ending everything with 'uhhh'" she keeps saying. "I'm so booooored-uh. It huuuurrrrrts-uh. The pills are to biiiiguhhhh." She likes to mock me. Not my pain, just me. A robot wouldn't do that, unless it becomes self-aware, in which case I am fucked because I can't run away.
D) A good book or two. The last few issues of Rolling Stone. Some good movies. Better video games. A dead-tree version of longform.org because I'm starting to get those laptop burns on my thighs. As if I need another injury.
E) A group of thoughtful people who will do the following:
1. Share their favorite articles from their favorite publications to give me something new to read. I got'cher Deadspin, your Cracked, your AV Club/Onion, your Rolling Stone, and a few others right here. Give me something new and interesting!
2. Share their favorite jokes or anecdotes. I would give examples, but none of mine are appropriate here. Although my sweetie came up with a cute one a couple weeks ago: What did the wall say to the judge? I WAS FRAMED!!!! Snort.
3. Tell me to quit being such a freaking baby! First of all, it's not even a cast, it's a big metal boot that can be removed in case I have an itch or need to ice my foot. Second, I am still surrounded by every first world luxury I need. Internet, Netflix, Cable, a Nook, video games, and down pillows on which to rest my head and my foot. Third, this wouldn't have happened had I not been so careless when I was doing whatever it was I was doing when I did this.
I wonder where I could find such a willing audience to make me laugh and tell me toughen a bit....