Walking on water? If you're the son of God, fly the fuck around and shoot fireballs from your eyes. Nobody's gonna try to crucify that guy.
God did some impressive shit in the Bible, but not a single backflip. If that doesn't make you question religion, I don’t know what will.
Nature can be such a dick. Like why would you make skunks so fucking adorable knowing we'll never be able hug them?
The first dude to get sprayed by a skunk must have just screamed “REALLY?” for 2 hours.
Find that one person who sees through your bullshit and knows the real you. Now destroy that person.
I do not endorse substance abuse of any kind. I endorse making gentle, respectful love to substances as often as possible.
You work hard; treat yourself! A massage, a fine meal at a good restaurant, oral sex for crack--the world is your oyster!
Be your second-best self so you don't get anyone's hopes up.