From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Woo Hoo!!! Who's Up For Some Bad Fiction?
The winners in the 2013 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest---"a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels"---were announced last week by the English department at San Jose State University. The contest is named after Edward "It was a dark and stormy night" Bulwer-Lytton, the English novelist, playwright, poet and politician. Some of this year's so-bad-it's-good'ness:
True fact: Bulwer-Lytton
coined the phrases "The
great unwashed" and "The
pen is mightier than the sword."
-
As the sun dropped below the horizon, the safari guide confirmed the approaching cape buffaloes were herbivores, which calmed everyone in the group, except for Herb, of course.
---Ron D. Smith, KY (runner-up: Adventure)
While Dame Goodchild fondly watched Lord Peasebody’s innocent ward gaze admiringly after Eduardo de Abló, the china-blue eyes moving upwards from the ancestral sword banging lightly against taut thighs to the carelessly tied cravat framing a swarthy, cicatrized cheek above which black eyes half-hidden by untamed raven locks flashed in challenge and passion, she wondered if Elizabeth knew he got the scar from falling face-first onto his ostler’s manure rake.
---Margaret Stein, NE (Dishonorable mention: Romance)
Seeing Mrs. Kohler sink, Detective Moen flushed as he plugged the burglary as the unmistakable work of Cap Fawcet, the Mad Plumber, for not only had her pool of assets been drained, but her clogs were now missing, and the toilet had been removed, leaving them with absolutely nothing to go on.
---Eric J. Hildeman, WI (Runner-up: Crime)
It was amidst the chaos of the Loma Prieta tectonic plate shift, while sipping sassafras floats at opposite ends of a busy ice cream bar when, in a serendipitous happenstance of synchronicity, the cranial plates of Laura and Earl also shifted, sending their ocular prosthetics tumbling to the floor where they rolled and rolled until their eyes met across the crowded room.
---Guy Foisy, Ontario (Misc. Dishonorable mention)
You can read the full list,
including the grand prize winner, here. Preferably while a dog barks in the distance.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 23, 2013
Note: One potato, two potato, three potato….er…um… [Frantic 20-minute Google search] …four.
-
8 days!!!
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til wearing white will be a federal offense punishable by dirty looks:
11
Days 'til the 2013
Bumbershoot Music Festival in Seattle:
8
Tons of military equipment in Afghanistan the U.S. has destroyed in anticipation of its pullout next year:
85,300
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that human activity is responsible for most of the global warming going on now:
95%
(Source: U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change)
Probability that President Obama will be impeached according to, respectively, the House tea partiers and reality:
100%, 0%
Minimum number of prizes that have been put into Cracker Jack packages so far:
23 billion
What a complete set of 1915 Cracker Jack baseball cards sold for:
$800,000
(Source: A blurb in a Cracker Jack box)
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: If Mark Twain and Andy Warhol came back in the same dog's body…
-
CHEERS to a bit of perspective. As Chelsea (the erstwhile Bradley) Manning begins serving time for leaking classified documents that exposed terrible things our government did in your name and mine, the always-on-point Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle provides as succinct a sendoff as any I've read:
Shame on you.
But, mostly, thank you.
I won't argue that Manning didn't break the law. I'll only argue that a sentence of 35 years is an incredibly harsh punishment for a troubled young adult whose every utterance and action makes clear that her motivation was to draw attention to the slipping principles of this nation. Her job required reading secret military reports each day that underscored how the terror of 9/11 allowed our military to rationalize unprovoked attacks, humiliation and torture, and steep collateral damage. […]
The thing that gets lost in the sideshows of the Manning debate---hand wringing over the shadowy nature of WikiLeaks, the questionable behavior of its founder Julian Assange, the shifting rules of whistle-blower journalism in the digital age, and Manning's transgenderism---is that those leaks had merit. They revealed critical things about the world and, in the end, changed it for the better. So here at least, on the day after Manning's sentencing, let's take a moment to remember that.
With the inevitable book, movie, TV miniseries, bajillion articles, additional releases from Wikileaks, and Manning's own activism when he gets sprung from the hoosegow within ten years (oops…SPOILER ALERT), I don’t think that will be a problem.
JEERS to the ongoing Fukushitstorm. I have two points to make about this…
Barugon is also "prepared to
help" with his frozen breath spray
The operator of Japan's crippled Fukushima nuclear plant said on Thursday new spots of high radiation had been found near storage tanks holding highly contaminated water, raising fear of fresh leaks as the disaster goes from bad to worse. The announcement comes after Tokyo Electric Power Corporation (Tepco) said this week contaminated water with dangerously high levels of radiation was leaking from a storage tank.
And this…
The International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna and the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission said they are prepared to help.
Point one: When you buy storage tanks for highly-radioactive water (or highly-radioactive
freakin' anything), it helps to buy storage tanks that don’t turn into
un-storage tanks. Point two: When the world experiences the worst nuclear disaster ever, and the people responsible for cleaning it up appear to have no clue what they're doing, it might be nice if the International Atomic Energy Agency and the Nuclear Regulatory Commission didn’t just "prepare" to help, but actually got their asses on a plane and
helped. I have a few more points, but they're mostly cuss words.
Shut yer pie hole, George.
CHEERS to pissing off the dude in the curlers. On this date in 1775, King George III got all pissy and accused the colonies of being in
"an open and avowed rebellion" and asked "our obedient and loyal subjects to use their utmost endeavours to withstand and suppress such rebellion, and to disclose and make known all treasons and traitorous conspiracies which they shall know to be against us." And we were all, like, "Huh? Are you referring to little old us? Why, we’re just grubby li'l old farmers and fussy old shopkeepers---we wouldn’t hurt a fly!" Then we declared independence and kicked his ass.
Psych!
JEERS to getting history wrong. Today's boring correction goes out to The Daily Beast, which claims that neocon hack and former U.S. Hater to the U.N. John Bolton would be the first Republican presidential candidate---if he and his mustache run---to support same-sex marriage. Not true. In 2012 Fred Karger ran on the Republican ticket (he actually polled well in New Hampshire but was shut out of every debate despite qualifying for them) and, well, I'll let him clear up the Daily Beast's mess:
He's #1! He's #1!
-
-
"I will work hard to end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, pass the federal Employment Anti-Discrimination law (ENDA), eliminate the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), make Gay Marriage the law of the land and make finding a cure for HIV / AIDS and a vaccine to prevent HIV a new national priority."
Plus: Karger is himself gay---the first gay candidate to run for president from
either party. We're sure the Daily Beast doesn’t regret the error and will continue to make more in the future.
"I can hear Lewis
from my house!"
-
CHEERS to home vegetation. The big TV event this weekend, besides the coverage of the NAACP march on Washington ("I have a dream that there will be enough port-o-potties!"), is
Lewis Black's "Old Yeller" live from Atlantic City. I'll say this now: Saturday night NO BILLY DISTURB. New
DVD releases include the animated
Epic and the actioner
Killing Season with---pay attention---Serbian soldier John Travolta tracking down Bosnia war vet-turned-hermit in either the Appalachian Mountains or Wally World (sorry, I wasn't paying attention). The baseball schedule
is here. (The Red Sox pitchers will kick up so much wind with their fastballs that the opposing team will be more like "draft Dodgers" Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) On
60 Minutes: facial-recognition technology and mistakes on credit reports (shocker). Oh, and I watched my first two episodes of
Breaking Bad last Sunday. I get the hype now: it's
The Itchy and Scratchy Show but with meth.
On Moyers & Company, New York Times Magazine correspondent Mark Leibovich joins Bill to reveal what he has learned about a city where money rules and status is determined by who you know and what they can do for you. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's exclusive preview quotes:
Meet the Press: It's all "I have a dream" all the time. The lineup: Martin Luther King III, Rep. John Lewis (D-GA), Rev. Al Sharpton, Mayor Cory Booker, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), Sheryl WuDunn of National Action Network, Gov. Bobby Jindal and David Brooks. Preview Quote: "I'm afraid we're out of time so we'll have to leave it there."
This Week: Martha Radditz on the carnage in Syria; roundtable with George Will, Cokie Roberts, Donna Brazile, Byron Pitts, and Dan Balz. Preview Quote: "Is the new Obama dog an asset for the White House or a distraction? The roundtable weighs in for 45 straight minutes when we come back."
Sen. Ted Cruz will be on
CNN's "State of the Union."
-
Face the Nation: Colin Powell; Rep. John Lewis; Mayor Cory Booker; panel with NAAP president Ben Jealous, Children's Defense Fund President Marian Wright Edelman, and Taylor Branch, author of The King Years. Preview Quote: "Man, that panel on This Week is a snoozer."
CNN's State of the Union: Canadian-American Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Alberta). Preview Quote: "Hey, producer! Bring me another Molson. I mean Budweiser, dammit."
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin and District Attorney Jason Hicks on the "thrill kill" of that Australian student by those three idiots; Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), Ranking Member of the Foreign Affairs Committee and Sen Bob Corker (R-TN), Ranking Member of the Foreign Relations Committee will talk about affairs and relations in a totally non-sexual way; roundtable with Scott Brown, Kirsten Powers, David Webb and Juan Williams. Preview Quote: "Benghazi?" "Benghazi!" "Benghazi?" "Benghazi!" "Benghazi?" "Benghazi!!!!"
And a quick reminder of two TV events on Monday: Keith Olbermann debuts on ESPN2, and Ed Schultz moves to the 5pm weekday time slot. Woo-hoo on both counts. Happy viewing!
-
Six years ago in C&J: August 23, 2007
JEERS to our grand "new experience." Mmmm...money! Everyone's rolling in it under the tax-cutting, trickle-down GOP economy! Everyone, that is, except the bottom 99.75 percent of us:
The modern American paycheck.
Americans earned a smaller average income in 2005 than in 2000, the fifth consecutive year that they had to make ends meet with less money than at the peak of the last economic expansion, new government data shows. ... Total income listed on tax returns grew every year after World War II, with a single one-year exception, until 2001, making the five-year period of lower average incomes and four years of lower total incomes a new experience for the majority of Americans born since 1945.
A White House spokesman said---I kid you not---"[It] is not a very interesting story." He added: "Oh, Miss? This bacon doesn’t go all the way around my filet mignon. Could you fetch the manager so I can have you fired? Thanks, doll."
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the "Lion of the Senate." As time goes on, fewer and fewer of us 'Muricans will remember that Ted Kennedy owned that title for much of his 47-year career there. So I'll keep bringing it up, especially on his birthday and Sunday's date---the four-year anniversary of his passing from brain cancer at 77---for as long as I put fingers to keyboard. With a little assist from President Obama, who said at Ted's funeral:
"The world will long remember their son Edward as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had none; the soul of the Democratic Party; and the lion of the United States Senate---a man who graces nearly 1,000 laws, and who penned more than 300 laws himself."
To mark the occasion, a couple snips of vintage Ted:
Love this pic.
-
On the Iraq war: "There was no imminent threat. This was made up in Texas, announced in January to the Republican leadership that war was going to take place and was going to be good politically. This whole thing was a fraud."
-
"This is the cause of my life---new hope that we will break the old gridlock and guarantee that every American---North, South, East, West, young, old---will have decent, quality health care as a fundamental right and not a privilege."
Obamacare goes into full effect in less than five months, and we'll see how close it comes to Ted's vision. In the meantime, I'll take this opportunity to kneel down and thank the liberal gods for---via the smart voters of Massachusetts---booting lightweight Republican Scott Brown from Ted's seat, and restoring it its luster by electing Elizabeth Warren last November. Much obliged. (But you people still drive like maniacs.)
Have a doggie daysie kind of weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-